An early blog entry today as I’m headed to the airport and then, from there, L.A. In less than twenty-four hours, Paul and I will be making the rounds, pitching our horror movie, meeting the movers and shakers, and trying to track down a pair of Parasite sunglasses to replace the ones that Lulu chewed up.
They go on to assure Hazzencockle that the money they’re sitting on is “genuine and 100% risk free”. All Aloysius needs to do is send them his banking information so that they can transfer the sum of $7.5 million into his account.
What an opportunity! Hazzecockle wrote back:
“Dearest Miss Gift & Daniel Melitus,
Fear not! I trust you both implicitly – even though as brother and sister, it should stand to reason that you would share a last name. Anyway –
I have some good news and some bad news. First, the bad news. Unfortunately, I won‘t be dropping by the U.N. Refugee Camp to pick you up after all. As it turns out, Cote d’Ivoire is not, as I initially assumed, one of those quaint little French- Canadian towns just above the Maine border but, in fact, someplace in Africa – which makes for a far more complicated drive up. Furthermore, hyenas, which I’ve been told are indigenous to Africa, present another big problem in that they combine my two biggest aversions: being eaten and being laughed at. So, all this to say, you won’t be getting that lift.
Now, the good news. Instead of going through all the trouble of sending you my banking information and negotiating the red tape to secure the bank transfer, I have decided on a better solution: I am going to adopt you! In many ways, this is a dream come true for me as I have been unable to sire children of my own as a result of an incident in my youth involving two angry Chihuahua’s and a pair of loose-fitting Adidas shorts. But enough about my bojangles. I want you both to know that I have already started adoption proceedings. All I require is your personal information and for the both of you to select proper Christian names. Miss – in North America, your present name is a title used for an unmarried woman or a word used to denote failure. I would like you to choose a new, more suitable name from among the following: “Apple, Paris, Barbarella, Sailor Moon, or Pikachu”. Daniel – your name is a nonsensical mishmash of letters that don’t really mean anything. Feel free to choose a better name from among the following: “Aloysius Junior, Terminator, Dracula, Squirrel, or Pikachu”. Note: Should you both choose to go with Pikachu, then the first one to make their pick will go by Pikachu while the runner-up will have to settle for Pikachu II.
I think this will be great for all involved. As your father, I will be able to access your accounts while, as my children, you will proudly carry on the Hazzencockle name.
I am already decorating your rooms in anticipation of your arrival. Pink with teen dream Leif Garrett posters for Paris, and blue with a Super Friends theme for little Dracula.
Write back soon.
Love your new dad,
Aloysius P. Hazznecockle”