An early blog entry today as I’m headed to the airport and then, from there, L.A.  In less than twenty-four hours, Paul and I will be making the rounds, pitching our horror movie, meeting the movers and shakers, and trying to track down a pair of Parasite sunglasses to replace the ones that Lulu chewed up.

Success! I finally received a follow-up email from one of the many spammers I’ve responded to of late. This one came from orphans Miss Gift and Daniel Melitus who contacted me with regard to the incredible fortune they’d been willed (refresh your memory here: My alter-ego, Aloysius P. Hazznecockle, wrote back, promising to help by personally dropping by their UN Refugee Camp in Cote d’Ivoire and picking them up. Well, those lovable orphans were quick to respond:



“Our Dearest Aloysius Hazzencockle,
Thanks a lot for your mail and all you said is well note to us. Your mail have giving us joy and hope to face the future once again and we want to know that all we state in our frist mail to you is real and not joke.I am 19yrs old while my brother Daniel is 17yrs old.”

They go on to assure Hazzencockle that the money they’re sitting on is “genuine and 100% risk free”. All Aloysius needs to do is send them his banking information so that they can transfer the sum of $7.5 million into his account.

What an opportunity! Hazzecockle wrote back:

“Dearest Miss Gift & Daniel Melitus,

Fear not! I trust you both implicitly – even though as brother and sister, it should stand to reason that you would share a last name. Anyway –

I have some good news and some bad news. First, the bad news. Unfortunately, I won‘t be dropping by the U.N. Refugee Camp to pick you up after all. As it turns out, Cote d’Ivoire is not, as I initially assumed, one of those quaint little French- Canadian towns just above the Maine border but, in fact, someplace in Africa – which makes for a far more complicated drive up. Furthermore, hyenas, which I’ve been told are indigenous to Africa, present another big problem in that they combine my two biggest aversions: being eaten and being laughed at. So, all this to say, you won’t be getting that lift.

Now, the good news. Instead of going through all the trouble of sending you my banking information and negotiating the red tape to secure the bank transfer, I have decided on a better solution: I am going to adopt you! In many ways, this is a dream come true for me as I have been unable to sire children of my own as a result of an incident in my youth involving two angry Chihuahua’s and a pair of loose-fitting Adidas shorts. But enough about my bojangles. I want you both to know that I have already started adoption proceedings. All I require is your personal information and for the both of you to select proper Christian names. Miss – in North America, your present name is a title used for an unmarried woman or a word used to denote failure. I would like you to choose a new, more suitable name from among the following: “Apple, Paris, Barbarella, Sailor Moon, or Pikachu”. Daniel – your name is a nonsensical mishmash of letters that don’t really mean anything. Feel free to choose a better name from among the following: “Aloysius Junior, Terminator, Dracula, Squirrel, or Pikachu”. Note: Should you both choose to go with Pikachu, then the first one to make their pick will go by Pikachu while the runner-up will have to settle for Pikachu II.

I think this will be great for all involved. As your father, I will be able to access your accounts while, as my children, you will proudly carry on the Hazzencockle name.

I am already decorating your rooms in anticipation of your arrival. Pink with teen dream Leif Garrett posters for Paris, and blue with a Super Friends theme for little Dracula.

Write back soon.

Love your new dad,

Aloysius P. Hazznecockle”



57 thoughts on “October 26th, 2008: L.A.-Bound, and Hazzencockle Hears Back

  1. Gosh, you really are early today. It is still Sunday in Scotland – I think!

    So, now you have adopted two lovely little orphans – what a good deed. You may end up becoming the humanitarian of the year.

    I actually prefer furrybabies to the furrless and bipedal type.

    I hope that you both have a great time in LA. Remember to send us a postcard and to update your blog with lots of interesting pictures…. each picture with a nice wee tag to explain who the piccie is of and what they are doing.


  2. As Simon Pegg would say: Fried gold.

    A superb laugh.

    Count Wraithula

  3. You have gotta watch out for them Chihuahua’s… 😀

    Anyhoo, enjoy the wild animals in LA.

    I prefer to go on Safari here in Africa – at least our wild animals are predictable. The LA variety are anything but.

  4. Hey Joe, I just happened across a ranter not too pleased about a certain character on the show, no doubt you’ll know who it is they’re upset about, but to be quite honest they put forth quite stupid defences when questioned about it, such as ‘I like thier acting its just the character is annoying and whinging all the time’. But if thats how the actor plays them, then they must be contradicting themselves, no? By the way, good luck in your trip to L.A. and have a safe journey.

  5. Joe…OMG, I’m going to have to purchase a screen guard! Can’t wait to see photos of you and your new little family. Hope Fondy and the small beasties adapt well.

  6. Best wishes to you and Paul for the LA trip. I hope it all works out with the adoption. Do you have any room for them? Perhaps they should know that there will be a pecking order and they will come after the pugs.

    Cheers, Chev

  7. Aloysius Hazzencockle is so kind, what with being willing to adopt to orphans. 😉

    Good luck in LA in the next few days! Looking forward to hearing about those happenings.

    I wasn’t able to catch Atlantis this Friday, so I’ll try to catch the re-run this coming Friday before the new episode…assuming SciFi still does that.

  8. Good luck to the both of you. With Paul’s looks and your wit, you should have those sharks eating out of your collective hands in no time 😉

    And, uh.. “But enough about my bojangles.. “

    Brilliant. And now do I not only have a classic cola pebble-dashed screen sat in front of me.. I can’t seem to get images of Danny Kaye out of my head.


  9. Wow Joe. You’re scary sometimes! Does your mind ever stop? How on earth do you think up some of these come backs? Fantastic stuff.

    Have you ever thought about writing for comic books? I know you did kids TV once upon a time, but what about comics? I’m thinking mainstream comics wouldn’t interest you – unless the X-Men have a new character “Mr. Sarcasm” or “Mr. Whitty”.

    Haven’t been here in a while, so semi-catching up. Have a great time in Japan. Japan has always been on my list of “oh wow I’d love to go there one day”. One day, I might just do that!

  10. Hey Joe, remember you can have lunch with Joe F. if time allows. Just remember to keep your camera in the car. LOL

  11. Hey Joe!

    Great, great news!!!

    We are now a family of five again!

    The Pyr rescue came by with Ziggy to see if we’d be a good fit. Needless to say, Ziggy is staying!

    I’m very excited. I can’t imagine a sweeter, kinder, more lovable friend! He’s a full pyr and is about ten months old.

    The best part is, Annabelle loves Ziggy as much as we do! And he loves us all, too.

    Just thought I’d share the happy news. Pictures to follow.

    Good luck in LA! Eat some In ‘N Out while you are there… please! Just for me! Bring sunscreen! And most of all, have fun!

    Trish 😀

  12. Oh my! Poor Aloysius’s bojangles! A sorry sob story if I ever heard one.

    I’m going to continue to chortle for the next hour at least.


  13. This time I put the cup of water down before reading. Of course, my cackling has my coworkers edging away from me, giving me that sideways look normally reserved for armidillos wandering up with foaming mouths. So, I’ve had a great laugh for the day, and reinforced my status with my associates. Thank you Mr. M. and good luck.

  14. there is nothing like reading the trials and tribulations of an executive producer on crack. keep up the good work, joe! 😛

  15. Hazzencockle would be the coolest dad ever. Sorry about the bojangles business.

    Parasite sunglasses? No, really? I have visions of liver flukes wearing teensy Wayfarers. Hop the Coaster and head down to Tijuana and get a pair of knock-offs for under $20. They’re good enough no one will be able to tell the diff, unless you get up close and personal, plus there’s dollar margeuritas and the street kids selling Chiclets. Good times, good times.

  16. Hi Joe – Thanks again for sharing your blog with the very talented and creative Val Halverson. She needs to start her own line of clothing with an Atlantis twist. I think folks would be beating down her door to buy her designs.

    Back when I was a teen, I designed and sewed my own clothes. Now, I’m lucky I can sew a button on a shirt.

    “”Break a leg” in Los Angeles. Greenlight all the way!!

    Did you ever solve the case of the chewed up shoe? There seems to be a pattern forming now that the sunglasses were also chewed up! A repeat offender?

  17. I know this maybe a little mean ( I have a bit of a sarcastic sense of humour), but what if no one commented on your post today? I just quickly skimmed your post and realized it was another spongy spammer letter like we all get. And down in the comments section it said “no comments”–sort of like crickets in the audience when you’ve just done a tap dance–do you tap dance?

    I have two little boy kitties. Sometimes, they would rather fling their pooh at each other then actually cover it up in the litter box. Schatner got a little piece of litter rock between his toes and was oblivious to how “tappy” it sounded. I had to have a sit down when he couldn’t get it out, I laughed so hard.


  18. Hi Joe!

    Very interesting blog post about the Whole Hog dinner. (Hi Martin! 🙂 ) I’m going to read the Costume Q&A tomorrow.

    Hee hee, I am interested whether Pikachu and Pikachu II will write back to Aloysius. Great response to their response.

    Put me down as one of the few who enjoyed Inquisition. OK, it’s a clip show. It was a very good clip show. 🙂 I rather like clip shows, especially when they remind me of some things I have forgotten (the origins of the Replicators). It was nice to see Weir and recognition of her importance to the Expedition. (I say this without being a “Weir ranter*.”)

    Inquisition SPOILERS!!!
    Woolsey and RP did a wonderful job in Inquisition. I think this show strengthened his character even more than Ghost in the Machine. I was a little concerned Woolsey wouldn’t put the Coalition’s rep in a cell after the rep kinda threatened/tried to persuade Woolsey not to do so. Glad to see Woolsey stood up to the Coalition and did what needed to be done to get the Team set free. Good to get more background on Woolsey, and nice to see Lorne. 🙂 I liked how Lorne and Woolsey worked together.

    The ending, with the Shep/Woolsey scotch/cigars scene on the balcony was very cool. Heck, any scene with good scotch is pretty darn good to start with, but add Shep…well, let’s leave it right there. 😉 I don’t watch Boston Legal, so I missed any reference there might have been there, but it seemed like an appropriate ending to the ep, referential or not.

    Last thing about Inquisition – got the “Federation” reference at the beginning. Loved it! 🙂

    Take care, pitch well, and rock on! I’m off to watch Tabula Rasa in syndication.


    *Apologies to those who take offense to “Weir ranter.” I simply felt the need to separate myself from those who are negatively vocal in regards to the fate of the character or actress.

  19. Hilarious! Thanks Joe,

    Also, have fun in LA. We are looking forward to your description of events and antics!

  20. …it should stand to reason that you would share a last name…

    Mr. Hazzlecock, you dazzle the spammers with your impeccable logic!!! They get flustered, spell things incorrectly, make obviously flawed promises… it deeply amuses.

    Sending you positive mind-thoughts from Cleveland, OH, for your trip!!! Have fun in LA!!!!

  21. Many things.
    1. THANKS to Val Halverson for a really delightful Q&A.

    2. Not sure if Good luck or break a leg is required here for your and Paul’s testing the waters of LA. BUt, you guys got the stuff…both of you have the LOOKS and the WIT so go for it and go get um.

    3. Please any photos of your journey and adventures will be greatly appreciated by your minions….

  22. HA! That’s hilarious!! 😆

    (Of course, you do know you’re probably messing with some international crime syndicate that knows exactly where you live, right?)



  23. Coucou Joseph!!

    Je vient juste de me reveiller.
    J’ai trés mal dormie.
    Et je ne comprend rien a cette email.

    O_O A plus tard car là je suis encore dans mon lit mrd^^!

  24. I have decided on a better solution: I am going to adopt you! In many ways, this is a dream come true for me as I have been unable to sire children of my own as a result of an incident in my youth involving two angry Chihuahua’s and a pair of loose-fitting Adidas shorts.

    Now, I actually *believe* that… 🙂

  25. Hey those chihuahua’s got sharp teeth! Its no joke when you got two of ’em hanging from your unmentionables. We’d appreciate if you’d stick with Nike running shorts in future and an industrial strength jockstrap!

  26. Gee, even your bojangles got a voice! IMPRESSIVE!

    All the luck in the world to you and Paul in L.A. Looking forward to hearing all about everything soon!

  27. Dear Joe,

    Just wanted to wish you the very best in LA!

    I don’t like horror movies but if yours ever gets made, I will watch it or buy the DVD if it isn’t broadcast over here. I’ve got a multiregional DVD player so go on, start churning out those movies! I’ll be the one hiding behind Charlie and Suzie but I’ll be watching. That pup is absolutely fearless!

    He’s also asleep on my lap so I have to type softly or he’ll want to join in!

    dxfjhkl;mk,. m

    Darn. Too late.

    I’ll translate the doggy typing: “Best wishes. Chuck”

    Thanks Joe!

  28. Me revoila, reveiller cette fois!!

    ..euh, je pense avoir compris ce qu’il y’a écrit, mais je ne comprend pas ce que cela fait sur votre blog o_O?
    Ofaite j’ai voté pour vous au Blog choice Awards =) et je me suis inscrite aussi^^!

    Il n’y a pas beaucoup de new de stargate en ce moment, c’est snif….allez, vous n’avez pas une petite new croustillante à nous révéler??
    Vous pouvez tout me dire éhéh =D (hum sauf que john est gai -_-‘)

    Passer une bonne journée! Bisou =)

  29. Inquisition = the real question is, why were the clips from previous episodes better than the new scenes? oh yeah, they were the awesome ones. ah well… didn’t work as well as previous flashback eps. Did not like the tone of the closing scene at all. Smug SOBs are pretty low on my totem pole these days.

    At least there’s another Michael ep to look fwd to. Final one?
    I love LA

  30. You are truly a kind & generous man with good taste in names. Any orphan should be proud to have the name Hazznecockle!

    (That hyena comment…may I borrow it? I could use it at work on a daily basis. Royalties will be paid, of course. Although you should not be wanting, what with the orphans’ bank rolls & all!)

    Now, I must get coffee out of the keys.


  31. Hi Mr M.,
    my first post here.
    Because I have a tendency to write overlong written things, I will attempt to be brief – (hoping not to add ‘-ly long’ here)

    First, thanks for the description of brain in your previous post. I have often wondered about it and am glad that you have described it in such a way that… hang on, I think I may have sample it unintentionally once.

    Second, I really wanted to ask Krista a question… until I realised that all my questions had been asked and in the end I wondered what my question had been in the first place (short term memory loss? hope not)

    Third, I’m surprised Aloysius got a return email. I feel especially sorry for his bojangles and will be certain to stay away from any chihuahuas in the future… that is I would if I had any janglies.

    Fourth, you amaze me with your ability to bend time. I salute you. Jam karet forever! (nb: jam karet = rubber time in Indonesion/Malay)

    Fifth and hopefully last, (and this is likely to get me jumped by other poster-on-ers) do you ever think that reading transcripts ever anywhere equates to watching the actual episode/movie?

    Sixth and nearly surely the last, I hate long posts… and I just wrote one.

    Seventh and will-be-last-soon, this may be a useful phrase in Japanese: watashiwa ringo des.
    Sure to make a great first impression, believe me.
    Can’t think of the French off the top of my head (but you probably know it anyway),
    but here’s the Indonesian: Saya apel
    … and Chinese versions: 我是苹果 (phonetically – wo shi ping guo).

    Yep, that’s about it.

    All the best,

  32. Sorry, I just wanted to clarify something in my previous post. I meant thank you for describing what brain tastes like… and sorry for the atrocious grammar. I just had my one and only exam for this semester and my brain is extra crispy fried… like bacon after revising 3years worth of knowledge.

  33. i dont suppose that we’d ever see Tarantino, or the creators of the saw franchise become involved in any Stargate Franchise based projects? ie. A series of deadly, escapades of Sheppard, McKay, and an unlikely third companion(O’Niell??).

  34. Since i’ve touched on it, please tell me, if you’ve had a chance to see it. your view on saw franchise. as opposed to why it would/wouldn’t fit stargate franchise?

  35. Ha ha ha brilliant reply. It’s good to know that someone out there is willing to adopt those poor children.

    I was pleasantly surprised by Friday’s ep. I was not too enthused about it at the beginning but after watching was a little more into it. For a budget saver you folks did remarkably well and of course the ending made the show and brought out that smile on my face that usually is born during an amazing moment in an episode. It makes me think back to the McKay Shep scene not too long ago which is still at the top of my list for best scenes ever.

  36. I am so glad I waited until Monday morning to read the blog. It gave me a good laugh to begin my day. You are too funny.

  37. Wow, the economy sucks so bad that even scammers are getting desperate and rsvp-ing.

  38. Wow Joe! Sanctuary brought Atlantis’ ratings up four tenths of a point! Do you think SGA might have been renewed if Sanctuary was paired with it earlier?

  39. Joe, quick question…

    Was the end scene of “Inquisition” a deliberate copy (for lack of a better word) of BOSTON LEGAL? Or the end of INDEPENDENCE DAY (well, they didn’t drink, just smoked)?

  40. Oh boy, I can’t wait to see those first pictures of young Dracula Hazzencockle and his sister Sailor Moon Hazzencockle.

  41. Trish Pyr’s are the best! I grew up with two and they’re great with kids. Lucky you and lucky rescued Pyr’s.

    Joe…have fun in LA, forgot to add that to my post. Oops.

  42. I have a continuity observation and question for the upcoming episode The Prodigal. During Whispers we learn that Carson has spent 6 months recovering on earth and in The Outsiders we know he has spent a least some time traveling from planet to planet to warm welcomes, apparently. From this we know that at least six months have passed since the birth of Tayla’s baby but probably a couple more months than that. However, based on the preview and photos available for The Prodigal, her child is still an infant. Shouldn’t he be old enough to crawl off and burn that blue blanket he’s been wrapped in since birth? Just wondering.

  43. Thanks for the laugh. I needed that today. Good luck in L.A.

    INQUISITION: Is not my favorite episodes. It wasa exactly like I thought it was going to be, but a recap of previous episodes. I never liked the ones from SG1 either Politics or Disclosure. The only thing that I did like about it was that Woosley was sticking up for Todd. At least it sounded like he was.

    @das: Did you think that Woolsey was supporting Todd or do you think it was more to support themselves. He also mentioned about contacting Todd so maybe there is hope yet. Did you also watch Sanctuary? What did you think of the episode? I know I like Sanctuary a lot. I hope it stays around for at least five years.

  44. Mr. Hazzencockle is going to adopt children, how sweet (I really hope they’ll respond again, perhaps even with their chosen names ^^).

    Hope things in L.A. are going well

  45. *note to self* Remember the Depends when reading Joe’s blog. Also, send “Congratulations on Your New Adoption” card. And old Leif Garrett posters.

  46. Hey Joe,

    Good luck in LA! Hope all goes well for you and Paul. Don’t forget to take a picture with the Hollywood sign in the background and don’t forget to go to Mann’s Chinese Theater.


  47. hello !!
    just few words in order to say that you are great !!!!!
    and besides I can’t really be as chatter than you because I don’t talk english very well ! lol

    bonne continuation ! (I didn’t know how to translate !! what a shame ! ah ah )



  48. Best of luck to both you and Paul while your visiting in L.A. I’m anxious to hear how it went.


  49. Hi Joe.

    Good luck in LA!

    I have an observation or a question or both. Sheppard has looked so sad and lonely since Season 4 and now in Season 5 even moreso. He’s dreaming about Teyla, he’s begging for Larrin to come see him, and now in Inquisition he’s taken Weir’s place and found himself lonely and contemplative in the balcony. *sighs* I feel for him.

    Will our heroe ever find something similar to happiness even if just for a little while?


  50. @ tamijb – Basically, I feel the Lanteans were looking out for themselves, period. They have said time and again that they are only working with Todd to help themselves, and they have threatened to kill him time and again, both to his face and behind his back. Therefore, anything they may do that seems to be out of the kindness of their hearts really is “not some act of benevolent largesse they bestow upon [Wraith] they like”, but instead just a new way they’ve found to benefit themselves.

    They are more like Wraith…than Wraith.

    And YES, I watched, and loved, Sanctuary! I didn’t know Druitt was in that episode, so – needless to say – it was a wonderful surprise, and just made my entire evening! I love his character, and Chris…well…who would’a thought that I’d fall for him even without the white wig and green face paint??! He does such a fantastic job with this character – so cold, so evil…and yet, so full of pain and passion. I just love it…love him. I – too – hope the show lasts a while, but seeing as how shows tend to get cancelled as soon as I start liking them…well, it doesn’t bode to well for it, eh? 😛


  51. Hey Joe,

    We’re getting close (ish) to the series finale Enemy At the Gate”. Has the decision been made to add or remove the so called “divisive” scene you mentioned on August 15th?

    “It’s 60+ pages of intergalactic fun and Marty G. is looking to add to the page count by pitching out a certain scene that has divided the writers’ room. That’s Martin and Carl for, Paul and I against, and Alan firmly straddling the fence. Hey, I love the idea. I’m just not crazy about the timing. If the scene boards, we may compromise by shooting it anyway and deciding later whether or not it makes the final cut.”

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