Yesterday, I received an email from a Miss Florance Michael, the daughter of a reputable “busness magnet” (sic) who mysteriously passed away in france during a business trip on May 5th of 2007: “Though is sudden death was linkd or rather suspected to have been masterminded by an uncle of his who traveled with him at that time. But God knows the truth!” However, it’s not all bad news for Florance. Apparently, her father bequeathed her the sum of USD$8 7000 000. For some reason known only to her, she has decided to entrust me with the task of investing the funds for her.”

I let Cookie Monster handle this one…

“Hello dere,

Cookie Monster feel very sorry for FloMic. Fodder was busness magnet? What means? He attracted to publik transport? Ha ha. Is little joke to lighten mood after horrible loss of parent.

Me just open A1 Detektiv Agency to solve crime like murder, robery, and who take Cookie Monster shoes from hallway (Exciting mystery solved. Me forgot on top of refrijerator!). Circkumstances of FloMic fodder deth seem very suspishus. Iz first time Cookie Monster ever hear of anyone die in France. Just coincidents? Me no tink so either. Is recovered what parts of daddy body? Iz very important to know so me can start investigashun wit funny line like carakter of John Grisham in CSI. Like if iz foot, den me can say “Dere’s murder afoot!” or if only eyeball den say “Will need to keep eye out for killer” or if testes me can say “Dis murderer testes Cookie Monster patience.” Also good body bits for clever saying = humerous, rektum, cokksiks, veins, ganglia and fallopeean.

Even if uncle only suspect, need more to round out case and make more interesting. If not able to find any, den me will provide. From experience of watch detektiv show, tink 5-6 perfekt number of suspects: uncle, bizness partner, sexy secretary, cousin who collekt model train, and maybe butler. Iz even better if murder take place in manshion or big house wit secret room and attic where clown hide. Sight of sailing regatta or award show also good. In small apartment or on street not good for Cookie Monster.

If FloMic no mind, me need expenses paid up front. Tickets to France for Cookie Monster and suspects, suite at Plaza-Athenee (where used to stay when me date Vanessa Paradis), meals, irresponsable shopping spree, and misillaneous expense. 8.7 million collars just about cover it.

Send check and me get started.

And no worry. Cookie Monster on de case!

Love,

Cookie Monster

56 thoughts on “October 14, 2008: Cookie Monster Is On The Case!

  1. Okay, for some reason…I missed the Cookie Monster part, and I just thought I forgot how to read English. 😛

    das

  2. Jennifer Keller is one of the best characters to happen to Stargate and I’m glad we have her. She’s cute, smart, funny, fresh, and last but not least: human. Thank you for her.

    Also: Rodney/Jennifer all the way.

  3. At least it was only water I got on my computer screen. I really ought to know better than to drink anything while reading your blog. Thanks for the laugh, though I suspect that if there is Cosmic justice, your testes line is going to earn you some black marks.

  4. Well this is new. I’ve been reading your blogs for about a year now and I have to say this is a first. Thats funny as hell though.

    By the way just wanted to say that I think Stargate has been phenomenal for the past 12 or 13 years, and I know SGU will just carry that on. so yeah thats really all, cant wait for the Atlantis movie! you, and Paul write the best stuff

  5. That would have been incredibly difficult to type.
    And I know it was amusing, but my sleep-deprived-hospital-emergency-depressing brain is struggling with “Fire bad, tree pretty”. It will make me chuckle in about 4 days when I get back around to using that part of my brain again.

    Have a good night.

  6. Cookie, dahling. Make sure it’s a certified cheque. 😛 No need to get rooked out of your retainer up front. And you forgot to mention the fedora. All great detectives need the fedora.

    – Nika

  7. Hey Joe,

    I’ve seen your write lots of these emails and they always crack me up, have you ever received an email back from these people?

    I think Cookie Monster should have his own website:

    ihasacookie.com

    Hope had a great monday.

  8. Ok, this is my first experience with the Cookie Monster. I’ve heard people and you mention it, but didn’t realize what it meant. Now I do, very cute.

    You get a lot of those types of emails Joseph.

  9. hahaha at the one-liners. They’re not nearly as lame if Cookie Monster says them.

  10. Hee. Magic.

    BTW, a big way to go about dealing with the (somewhat unreasonable) comments from the SGA fans. To be perfectly honest I was among their number about the “Keller situation” but after reading your responses, I have seen the light. Or, rather, have realized that this may actually be just a teevee show. Weird.

  11. Dear Cookie Monster,

    Thank you for your condolences. I’m intrigued by your detective agency as my great uncle’s masterminding has left me at a loss for how to prove his guilt.

    I am unsure and wary of how you intercepted this email as it was intended for popular producer and writer Joseph Mallozzi but I am thankful that you feel need to offer your detective services to my cause. I’ve seen your work on television and trust you despite your former addiction (I hope your rehabilitation from chocolate chip is going well, I respect your fight) and mysterious interception of this email.

    I can only guess that this is divine intervention and not some crazy blue monster’s attempt at getting money for more baked goodies, a stereotype I’m sure you’ve had to live with for a while.

    Unfortunately, I only feel comfortable offering my unsolicited funds to stranger but incredibly honest and famous producer and writer Joseph Mallozzi for safe keeping. Though we might be able to work out some sort of deal between us for your proffered services. I would pay you on a commission basis on what information you can find about my miscreant great uncle and his sexy secretary’s activities the night of my father’s murder in his 3 story mansion. I trust you will do a fine job with my cause.

    And please give Joseph Mallozzi the heads up. I still need his account number so I can transfer all of this fabulous money straight into his account for safe keeping.

    Sincerely,

    Florance Michael (& company)

    p.s.

    I’m a big fan of your early work.

  12. Dear Cookie Monster,

    I’m hoping your A1 Detektiv Agency can help me.

    On March 6, 2008, Joseph Mallozzi wrote in his blog:

    The box of Holy Chocolate: Every sip blessed arrived this morning compliments of Anne Teldy who wrote to thank me for the cumbersome SG-1 watch I sent her for being around my one millionth visitor. Apparently, the girls in accounting were holding onto it but I sent office guy and two production assistants in to retrieve the package for me. Happily, the mission was a success (despite the fact that one of the production assistants is still MIA and office guy is nursing a shrapnel wound. Those accountants mean business!). Anne, in response to your request – Sure! But you’ll have to wait until the episode airs.

    The request he refers to is from the thank you letter I sent him. I asked him to send me a page from the script “Whispers” with my namesake character’s name on it. I also asked him to sign it and, if possible, to collect a few other autographs on it for me, especially, if possible, Christina Cox’s. As you read above he agreed but the episode aired more than a month ago and I’ve not heard one word about my souvenir from Mr. Mallozzi.

    Cookie Monster, could you find out which, if any, of the following is true.

    1. Mr. Mallozzi remembered and mailed it long ago so the Post Office must have lost it.

    2. Mr. Mallozzi remembered and mailed it recently so I should get it soon.

    3. Mr. Mallozzi remembered but hasn’t had a chance to mail it yet.

    4. Mr. Mallozzi remembered but has been too damn busy to deal with my greedy little request and he’ll send it when he sends it, for crying out loud.

    5. Mr. Mallozzi did not remember.

    I hope you can shed some light on this for me.

    Sincerely,

    Anne Teldy

  13. @das – I can see where you are coming from about being death sensitive, especially after reading some of your blogs. I also see what you mean about the Wraith being easily killed by the Lanteans when they took down the Ancients? As for the Ancients don’t get me started on them. They annoy me even more than the keller bashing believe it or not. They’re suppose to be this powerful and mysterious race, but to me their cowards. What makes them so much better than the rest of the galaxy? They wont help humans even though they were humans themselves. Look what they themselves went through fighting the Wraith and the Replicators. And they helped created the Wraith and Replicators. Sorry to rant on about the Ancients. As I said to me they are just cowards and wont face the mistakes they made, Replicators and the Wraith.

  14. antisocialbutterflie said …

    Perhaps I am being obtuse, but has it occurred to anyone that Teyla is being played by Rachel who has a real baby. Maybe she wants to spend time with said baby rather than running amok on set all the time.

    There is certainly some merit to that notion, yes. But remember that Hewlett’s son was born in the same month as Luttrell’s, and Momoa’s daughter was born something like three months before that. If Luttrell needed physical recovery time, okay, I can see her asking to cut her schedule back a bit. (Does anyone remember when Season 5’s shooting began?) But do you think the guys didn’t care about spending time with their own kids, then? Momoa’s family was either in Hawaii or LA, can’t remember which, but either way he didn’t likely see much of his daughter at all during filming, and Flanigan only saw his on the weekends, whereas Rachel was able to see her son every day and even to bring him to the set ….

  15. I’m so glad Cookie Monster is on the case. He’ll have no trouble finding out who offed Daddy in France with the lead pipe.

    Once the check clears, of course.

  16. Hey Joe.

    You said she was entrusted with 8 70000 000. Did you put an extra zero on?

    Thanks Joe.

  17. I’d be very surprised if FloMic’s busness magnet father had any fallopeean. If that were the case, then I’d sign her up for a tour of the North American Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Museums (with the appropriate agent’s commission, of course).

  18. Lol, funny to read after sleep deprivation, not saying it wouldn’t be funny with sleep

  19. Hi Joe,
    (I don’t know if this got submitted or not the first time, so if this is a repost, feel free to delete it!)
    First, great episode Friday, great to see Michael shanks again as Dr. Jackson!
    Also nice to see Cookie Monster is still out looking to consume. I could imagine the detective agency with a slogan – A1: Yeah, iz dat importent. Hopefully he can make it to France! He’d make a good sidekick for Sheppard in “Vegas,” no?
    On another note, do you know when you’re going to come down here to sunny L.A. for your pitch?

  20. ((((((((((Cookie Monster)))))))))))) Glad you find good job to pay bills for JM! Keep up good work.

    Anyway- just dropping by to wish you an early HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! Are you going to Fuel? Will Chef B, be preparing something good and are you going to follow it with some excellent chocolate?

    I love October….but perhaps it’s because it’s my birthday too…on Sunday! Another SG friend has one on Friday!
    Definitely a good month!

    Have a great day! Hope the fur kids sing you a birthday song!

    S

  21. Wolfie have bad day, but Cookie Monster make her laugh and feel better. 🙂 Thank you, Cookie. *HUGS*

    PS ~ Fallopean? Me thought it was “fellow peein'” … 😉

  22. grapesofwraith said:

    Also nice to see Cookie Monster is still out looking to consume. I could imagine the detective agency with a slogan – A1: Yeah, iz dat importent

    But then the business cards come back from the printers and they say:

    A1: yeah, iz dat impotent

    😀

    Cheers, Chev

  23. ROFL. I recommend a daily dose of cookie monster to stave off the creditcrunch blues. I would’ve thought an apt line with regards to the Testes pun would’ve been “We’re gonna have to be on the ball with this one” never mind.

    RIngo Starr is a talentless has been who should be THANKING his misguided fans not kicking them in da head.
    Peace and Love Ringo you asshole.

    OOPS! forgot to hop off me soapbox there momentarily. soz peeps.

  24. Hey Joe!

    Me fail english! that unpossible!

    Nice reply there, must’ve been difficult to do it, to make errors on purpose. I find it hard to make something with errors on purpose due to force of habit with typing. You pulled it off like a pro though.

    It’s good to see Cookie Monster again as well, and that you’re still having fun with scam e-mails. 😉

    Thanks as always!

    – Enzo Aquarius

  25. Is this the same Miss Florance Michael that sends me e-mails on enlarging my penis?
    Thank goodness my spammer boomerangs it back to Missy Michael. Or maybe…if her story is true, this is how the business magnet died:

    http://i292.photobucket.com/albums/mm26/WraithCake/n736000560_1838932_6327.jpg

    I’m going to post the grumpy cookie again, perhaps cookie monster can use it as no talk quick reply:

    http://i292.photobucket.com/albums/mm26/WraithCake/Grumpycookie.jpg

    WK

  26. Greetings to Cookie Monster! ^^
    But I have to admit that Baron Destructo is even funnier (for my taste 😉 ).

    Nothing to do with today’s entry:
    I’ve just re-watched (well, it’s more like listened to) the “Stargate lyrics”, love them *rofl*

  27. Welcome back Cookie Monster!

    Nice find Davidd. My guess? Kiss will be suing MGM now.

  28. @ tamijb – Oh, rant on about the Ancients! I hatesies them! I think they’re boring (dull, drab, uninteresting, bland, flat, stiff, etc), arrogant, humourless …with very insincere smiles and a terrible sense of fashion…should I go on? They remind me of sweet-talking religious fanatics…you know the kind: fake smiles, reserved, overly polite…until they pull out a bigass gun and blow everyone away, shouting, “Die, Spawn of Satan, die!”

    I think that basically sums up how I feel about the Ancients. Why can’t they be the villains (because I’d have NO problem with someone offing them), and the Wraith be like…oh, I dunno…that buddy of yours who never seems to have a job, so he crashes on your sofa and drinks all your beer and walks around in his underwear, scratching stuff he ought not in mixed company. Still, you just can’t seem to find it in your heart to show him the door because he’s really fun at parties, and all the girls love him, so you’re guaranteed to catch one of his cast-offs every now and then.

    @ Joe – I finally was able to catch up on your bloggy bits…which, I supposed, I should read first…but I have a habit of reading this blog from the bottom up, including the blog part (yes, I can read backwards – it’s my superpower 😀 ). So, I usually go back and read it the correct way later, which I just did…

    1. Whenever I read about you pitching your stories…ALL I can picture in my head is Ed Wood…complete with cheesy grin. 😀

    2. Looking forward to more super-secret project news.

    3. I don’t want this to sound…selfish…but while you’re off playing in November, will you be keeping up with your blog, or would that be a good time for all of us to take a vacation, too?

    4. When you say that Universe will be ‘firmly entrenched in the established Stargate mythology’, you mean those godawful Ancients, don’t you? 🙁 (*see above)

    5. Again about Universe – is there anything you can expound on regarding your comment that it’s ‘very unique in its premise and story-telling’, especially since you’re seeing it from the inside?

    Thanks, and have a great day! Oh, and do you have any new baby pics? I’m missing the pups. Here’s a [blurry cellphone] pic of my babies – Big Girl Kitty (gray), Cowboy, Marbles (tortoise shell), and China, the pop ’em up prairie dog cat in the background.
    http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v54/dasNdanger/4putties.jpg

    To get an idea of how big (fat big) Cowboy is, here’s a picture of him on a camel saddle, then China on the same saddle…and Big Girl Kitty is even bigger than Cowboy (not fat – but BIG, like…bobcat big). Poor Cowboy, we can’t get him to trim down at all, I think it’s due to his frustration over being in a house full of women (and Mr. Das).

    http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v54/dasNdanger/camelsaddle2.jpg

    I hope you enjoy my ‘children’ as much as I’ve enjoyed yours!

    das

  29. Okay Joe, amidst the Keller editorials, the the Ronon rebuttals and all this “Jive Talk” about the end of the world, I don’t really have much to add other than to ask you one overwhelming question. And the question is OVERWHELMING. So here goes: do you Joseph Mallozzi, do you yourself, on your own, now that it’s the end of the show and we can trash talk and chew the fat, do you… find the wraith…sexy?

    You think I’m being facetious? No. You do happen to cast rather attractive looking individuals for the role of wraith, so there must be an “emo” burried deep in your bosom somewheres. Ah? Ah? am I right or am I right?

    😀

    WK

    PS Thank you once again for asking Chris Heyerdahl. Is there ANYTHING (within reasonable means) we can do to persuade him?

  30. wolfenm said

    here is certainly some merit to that notion, yes. But remember that Hewlett’s son was born in the same month as Luttrell’s, and Momoa’s daughter was born something like three months before that. If Luttrell needed physical recovery time, okay, I can see her asking to cut her schedule back a bit. (Does anyone remember when Season 5’s shooting began?) But do you think the guys didn’t care about spending time with their own kids, then? Momoa’s family was either in Hawaii or LA, can’t remember which, but either way he didn’t likely see much of his daughter at all during filming, and Flanigan only saw his on the weekends, whereas Rachel was able to see her son every day and even to bring him to the set ….

    Touche. However your argument leads me to another thought. Perhaps the lack of team based episodes in general can be attributed to the actors wanting more time to spend with their children. If they do not all have to be an set then they individually have more family times.

    Admittedly this is gross speculation (unless Joe decides to weigh in on the matter). However the point I am trying to make is that these actors are real people with real lives that do not necessarily revolve around SGA. I had hoped to remind the commenters of that fact when they consider complaining about how the season is lacking.

    Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut. That might be a good idea.

  31. I’m sorry, I can’t see the keyboard right now because I’m crying with laughter.

    Okay, I’m calm…

    Gods. *starts laughing again*

    Seriously, now, that was brilliant.

  32. Hey Cookie Monster do you think that you could talk to FloMic ask if she can donate to the Gemini Foundation. That way actors and actresses can be nominated for SGA. Tell it is for a good cause.

  33. Hey Joe, Cookie Monster, and everyone else!

    I’m in sunny San Diego at the moment. Jeremy, the girls and I are at my in-laws for the week.

    Yesterday we went to the Wild Animal Park. Allie decided it would make the trip more interesting if she walked down some stairs wrong and sprained her knee. *sigh*

    It’s a pretty bad sprain, actually. So Allie now has a leg brace and crutches. And if the swelling doesn’t go down by tomorrow she will need to see an orthopedic specialist.

    I get to fly home with the girls by myself. This should be the best flight home EVER! 🙄

    Anyone wanna wish us luck?

    Trish

  34. Coucou joseph=) Sa va ??

    Demain c’est le grand jour!!!! Je vais tout faire pour passer sur ce blog, car je rentre a 7 heure du soir et j’ai beaucoup de devoir.
    Avez vous reçu ma carte? sa vous a fait plaisir ?
    J’esper que vous aller passer une éxélente journée!!
    Bisou! A demain Joseph♥

  35. @ Trish: *hugs to you and Allie.. and good luck* 😉

    All I can remember of Cookie Monster as a kid, was the amount of cookie crumbs he wasted when gobbling them down. Haven’t watched Sesame Street in aaaaages… And I miss The Count 0.o

  36. Joe,a

    Oookay! I finally caught up on the blog.

    Firstly: So sorry that you are traveling alone in Asia. That’s a bummer. But, like you said, we’ll be joining you daily on your blog. Can’t wait to see what the weird food purchases are on the other side of the world!

    Secondly: You ate pilfered chicken? That’s hilarious! Poor Fondy! Tell her it’s not her fault. It could happen to anyone. And now I don’t feel so bad for using pilfered internet access right now. 👿

    Thirdly: It IS a kick in the head that the ratings for “Lost Tribe” were so high! That hurts! But it’s also good to know. It just makes me wish that we had a season six.

    Fourthly (and lastly): Cookie Monster is the best. 🙂

    Now excuse me while I go help Allie stumble down a flight of stairs to the car.

    Trish 😀

  37. If 1.5 is a kick in the head, here’s to many more happy headaches for you!
    And Welcome Back Cookie Monster!!!

  38. @das: I’m glad someone else agrees about the ancients. I like the camparison you gave the Ancients. I never thought of them like that before. but you are right. I started not like the Ancients in The Return 1 and 2. They all of a sudden show up and take over the city. Never once did they say thank you for taking care of the city. And look what happened when they showed. The Replicators come and take over. They couldn’t take care of the city themselves.

    Have a good birthday tomorrow.

  39. (It’s 10 minutes past midnight on the 16th here so…) Happy Birthday! Hope you have a wonderful day! And that you tell us all about it in two posts time X]

  40. Hi Joe, Happy Birthday. Sat my statistics exam yesterday (15th) not bad. I feel verrrry confident.

    I have just caught up witht he comments and post froms the last 4 days and a few caught my eye. Here goes:

    1. Christin writes: “Speaking of food…what did that stolen chicken taste like?”

    Ans: as we say in New Zealand – “just like a bought one!!”

    2. Alipeeps – my ex-employers who very nicely made me redundant 11 days after I told them my happy news. >(

    Comment: Isn’t making a women redundant because she is pregnant illegal?? Either way – it’s not right!! {{{HUGS}}}

    3. … Look out for “Conversation with a Colonel” on the season 5 DVD’s. Cheers, Ivon

    thank you ThAnK YoU, THANK YOU!!!!!

    Off to buy Ivon some chocolate.

  41. @ anneteldy – You forgot #6 – Mr. Mallozzi remembered and had it ready to mail, but his dogs ate it. (I suspect Lulu…)

    😉

    das

  42. Joe – just received a spam email today and immediately thought of Baron Destructo, because he would just LOVE this one. I thought perhaps you could pass it on to him. Here you go:

    **************
    From: rose smith (rossmithm2@msn.com)
    Sent: Thu 10/16/08 7:22 AM
    To:

    Dear Child,
    May God lead you my child.
    My name is Mother Rose Smith,a widow to late Lord Steven Smith, a business merchant here in London,who die after a protracted illness in may 2nd, 2006 ,I am presently undergoing Treatments in Southampton ,England. I have been diagnosed with hydatidiform mole cancer and esophageal cancer that was discovered very late due to lack of caring for my health.That was traced to be the source of my barrenness according to the experts. I have only about a few months to live according to this medical experts.
    I am looking for someone reliable and trusted that can use my fund worth £7.5
    Million pounds,(Seven Million Five Hundred Thousand Pounds) with Hoovers Finance LONDON for the less privileges and orphanage homes. Since i can’t survive this illness. Please contact me through this email address immediately with your
    Name,
    Address
    phone number
    and the Name of your Church:

    Warm Greetings from,
    Mother Rose Smith

    *************
    Aside from the horrible grammar and punctuation, the whole claim is just hilarious. Not quite sure how esophageal cancer leads to sterility, but hey! Apparently anything is possible in Southhampton! 😉 Anyway, I thought you’d get a kick out of it.

  43. Out of curiosity, I checked my Junk Mail box and found some more. Have you seen any of these?
    *********
    From: St Tricia (st_tricia0555@yahoo.co.th)
    Reply-to: tricia.stella@gmail.com
    To: st_tricia31@yahoo.co.th

    Dearest in Christ

    With Due Respect And Humanity,Let me first of all inform you, I got your email address from a mail Directory and decided to mail you for a permission to go ahead.
    I am Mrs. Stella Tricia Collins from Switzerland. I am married to Mr.Tom Collins who worked with a construction company in Asia for twenty Years before he died in the tsunami disasters, we were married but without Any children.

    I am now suffering from long time breast Cancer and Cancer of the lungs, from all indication my condition is really deterioration and it is quite obvious that i won’t live more than 2 months according to my doctor, this is because the cancer stage has gotten to a very bad stage

    Since his death I decided not to re-marry. I deposited the sum of $5,000.000.00U.USD( FIVE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS) with the Bicici bank Abidjan Cote D’ Ivoire. And now i am willing to donate this sum of $5,000.000.00U.USD to the less privilegeds and to contribute to development of church in Africa, America, Asia, and Europo.

    My late husband was a very wealthy and after his death, I inherited all his business and wealth, Presently this money is still with the bank and the management just Wrote me as the beneficiary to come forward to receive the money or rather Issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf If I cannot come over.

    I am presently in a hospital where I have been undergoing treatment Cancer of the lungs in a hospital , I have since lost my ability To talk and my doctors have told me that I have only a few months to Live. Please i want you to note that this money is lying in the Bank in Abidjan Cote D’ Ivoire

    I want a person that is trustworthy that will utilize 90% of this money to fund churches, orphanages and widows around the world but in my name Mrs. Stella Tricia Collins”As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the bank.I will also issue you a letter of authority that will prove you as The new beneficiary of this fund.

    Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein and Keep this contact confidential till such a time this funds get to your Custody,this is to ensure that nothing jeopardizes my last wish on Earth.

    I await your urgent reply.
    Regards,
    Mrs. Stella Tricia Collins

    **********
    From: DR JOHN UCHE (uchej_99@yahoo.com.co)
    Reply-to: juche_fmf@yahoo.co.uk
    To:

    FINAL NOTICE ON THE TRANSFER OF YOUR $15.5M APPROVED PAYMENT
    FROM: DR JOHN IBE UCHEFEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCEFOREIGN EXCHANGE DEPARTMENTEXCHANGE CONTROL DIVISIONFEDERAL SECRETARIAT, LAGOS , NIGERIA .TEL:234-8076726379

    DEAR SIR/MADAM RE: APPROVAL OF $15.5 MILLION PAYMENT

    I am a director with the Federal Ministry of Finance and wasinstructed by the Hon Minister of Finance of Nigeria to findout before the end of this month, WHY your contract payment/claim of your fund have not been credited to your account,after instructions has been passed to all various Governmentquarters that all over due contract/claim payments shouldbe released as a lot of petitions by beneficiary’s has beenreceived by the Minister.Your bank details are what this office want you toreconfirm, with your telephone and fax numbers, and anyother information on WHY you have not received your paymentup-till date?. However I will give my assistance to makesure your file is in order for payment as two people camefor the claim of the fund and submitted account saying thatyou are not well and no longer interested in the fund.

    Do get back to me as soon as you get this mail.

    Yours faithfully
    DR JOHN IBE. UCHE

    **********
    From: Frank Aka (frankaka_1ng@yahoo.com.co)
    Reply-to: aka_chamber2010@voila.fr

    ¡Tengo nueva dirección de correo!

    Ahora puedes escribirme a:frankaka_1ng@yahoo.com.co

    – Dear SIR/MADAM I am FRANK AKA, an attorney at law. A deceased client of mine, by name MrAndreas Schranner,who here in after shall be referred to as my client,died in anAF4590 plane crash in July 2000. See this website below: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stmI am contacting you to assist in repatriating the money left behind by my client before it is confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank where this depositvalued at $35,000,000.00) is lodged This bank has issued me a notice to contact the next of kin, or the account will be confiscated.My proposition to you is to seek your consent to present you as the next-of-kin and beneficiary of my named client, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you. Then we can share the amount on a mutually agreed percentage. All legal documents to back up your claim as my client’s next-of-kin will be provided.All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through.This will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from anybreach of the law. Please be informed that your utmost confidentiality is required. If this interests you contact me on my private email:Best regards,FRANK AKA
    ***********
    And lastly, this one’s much more involved (lending it credibilty perhaps?):
    **********
    Claims!!‏
    From: Michael J. Pezzi (accounts@fondazionedivittorio.it)
    Reply-to: micpzi@gmail.com
    To:

    Firstly I must introduce myself as Michael Jose Pezzi an accountant in theFondazione Di Vittorio Espana, established 1977 by the Multi-Milliongroups and now supported by United Nations Organization (UNO) and theEuropean Union (EU), and conceived with the objective of human growth,educational, and community development thereby uplifting the standard ofliving of people. Below is the site.

    1.http://www.fondazionedivittorio.it

    After further investigation, it was discovered that some of the grantbeneficiary did not claim their grant as their grant funds has been in ouraccount for the passed three years. So, 7, 000 000.00 Euro (Seven MillionEuro) is still unclaimed in our account and no one will ever come forwardto claim it. What bothers me most is the Italians laws, at the expirationof 4 years the funds will revert to Italian Government treasury. Againstthis backdrop, my suggestion to you is re-organizing the ownership statusof the funds in question and subsequently transferring same to you aspayment of the Grants that was not claim by the recipient.

    MODALITIES:

    My duty is to ensure that the legal parameters for this transaction is byall means satisfied and within the ambit of local/international laws. Myattorney is directly and entirely responsible for the facilitation of thebeneficiary documents that will put you or your company in place as therightful beneficiary of the said funds. Thereafter, you will be legallyqualified to transfer the funds into your secured bank account formanagement purposes only.

    Most importantly, you will be required to:

    [1]. Act as the original beneficiary of the funds.
    [2]. Receive the funds into a business/private bank account.[3]. Invest/Manage the funds.

    Once you have been positioned as the bonafied beneficiary, the attorneywill also file in for claims on your behalf and secure the necessaryapproval and probate in your favor, hence the consummation of thistransaction is 100% risk free.

    Consequently, this transaction may commence without delay once we are ableto secure your trust and partnership as you are adviced to give thistransaction utmost confidential approach.

    If you prefer to be re-contacted for more express information, please sendus your:

    [1] Full Names:
    [2] Contact address:
    [3] Direct Telephone No:

    I awaits your response.

    My regards,
    Michael Jose Pezzi
    ***********
    As frightening as it is to believe, there *must* be people out there stupid enough to fall for these scams for them to be so prevalent. If you throw a handful of pebbles at a lake you’re more likely to hit water than if you throw a single rock, right? Although if you’re *that* stupid, I think there should be a law preventing you from owning or operating a computer…

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