Hey, the Olympics are finally over. In case you just got back from a two-week round-trip journey to the moon, here’s what you missed…
Day 1: Katerina Emmons of the Czech Republic wins the games first gold medal in “air rifle“, not be confused with “air guitar” which was won by Jimmy “Aces” Pasquali of Hoboken, New Jersey.
Day 2: South Korean set the new world mark in a 24 arrow team match against Italy in women‘s team archery, presumably killing a record number of Italians on the field of battle.
Day 3: A Russian athlete celebrates a world record in the men’s 100 m backstroke with a time of 53.06 seconds! It’s an incredible accomplishment, a record that will stand the test of time – or as long as it takes for them to run the second heat during which an Australian athlete breaks it with a time of 52.97 seconds.
Day 4: Far more interesting than his winning the men’s 200 m freestyle to tie the record for most gold medals for an athlete is Michael Phelp’s Olympic diet comprised of chocolate chip pancakes, ham and cheese sandwiches, pasta carbonara, and a large pizza.
Day 5: A Hungarian weightlifter dislocates his elbow at a most inopportune time – while he was hoisting up a 148 kg (325.6 lbs) weight. As my second grade teacher Mr. Vowels used to say “That’s an ouchie.”
Day 6: A Swedish wrestler is robbed by the judges and expresses his outrage by dropping his bronze medal and walking off. The IOC throws a hissy fit and takes away his bronze medal…then, quietly, days later, admits the judges made a mistake. They keep his medal anyway.
Day 7: A flexible young woman named Nastia puts on a show. Believe it or not, I’m still talking about the Olympics.
Day 8: Russia wins the men’s 20 km silly walk competition. In a good new bad news deal, four men from Great Britain become coxless champs. Ironically, on the same day, a woman from South Korea demonstrates world-class proficiency in the, uh, snatch, and the, um, clean and jerk.
Day 9: An American athlete competing in the men’s 50 m rifle three positions blows it on account of a premature discharge. This is terrible news for Team U.S.A., but great news for late night comedians.
Day 10: The Chinese men’s team clean up in table tennis. The rest of the world is shocked, not so much by the sweep but the fact that table tennis is actually an Olympic event. What’s next? Foosball?
Day 11: American hottie Lolo Jones learns that the obstructions littering the track in the 100 m hurdles are not merely there for decorative purposes.
Day 12: Today’s society frowns on constraining childhood creativity. Complete freedom is encouraged and so, when kids draw, they are no longer advised to “Stay inside the lines!”. As a result of this type of upbringing, athletes from the U.S. and the Netherlands don’t stay inside the lines – and are summarily disqualified in the men’s 200 m.
Day 13: The American men 4 x 100 m relay team blow their chances when they flub the baton hand-off. It is an unfortunate but very rare circumstance…that is later repeated by the American women’s 4 x 100 m relay team. All in all, the Americans can take solace in the fact that their women’s softball team, that had not lost a game in Olympic competition since Sydney in 2000, was going for the gold. And, uh, ending up with the silver, losing to Japan 3-1.
Day 14: A Jamaican athlete stumbles into her British neighbor, taking them both out of contention in the Women’s 4 x 100 m relay. As a result, critics insist than in addition to being tested for performance-enhancing drugs, participants should also be made to take a sobriety test prior to each event.
Day 15: A Cuban taekwondo athlete allows his feet to do the talking, registering his displeasure with the officiating by kicking a judge upside the head. Give ’em a kick from me too, buddy.
Day 16: The U.S. basketball team, made up of the very best players in the NBA, DOESN’T lose to Spain and wins the gold medal. Evidently, this is HUGE news and not at all expected.
Noir, thanks for the input. I followed you advice and resolved the clickable pic links problem. I think. Or close enough anyway. So thanks. And thanks to everyone who weighed in with ideas that ranged from “Copy and paste from file properties” to “Consult an experienced psychic“. I’ve run a test with a pic from a recent wardrobe fitting. Let’s see if it works.