I’ve never been a fan of surprises in my food. I remember, as a youngster, being served a birthday cake with coins baked into the mix. Coins IN the mix! I mean, why not marbles, collectible bottlecaps, or some needle and thread to help little Jimmy score his Junior Scout sewing badge? I suppose yesteryear’s adorably good idea is today’s lawsuit waiting to happen. Still, as a lifelong eater, my distaste for “things that do not belong” makes me particularly sensitive to food horror stories. Like the one my buddy Steve told me about the other day.
This past weekend, Steve had a pizza delivered to his place. But as he sat down to enjoy a slice, he discovered a piece of wood baked into the cheese. Not a splinter or a hunk but a half inch thick, 4” by 4” piece of timber. “Did you order the Lumberjack Special?”I asked. It turns out he’d ordered Pepperoni & Cheese. And, to the best of his knowledge, wood (chunky, splintered, or otherwise) was not among the list of available toppings.
Steve picked up the phone and called up the pizza chain’s main office, not to berate anyone or score any sort of freebie, but to find out what kind of response his story would elicit. Would the person on the other end of the phone be shocked? Incredulous? Profusely apologetic? Try barely interested. She sighed as if to suggest this sort of thing happened all the time, then consulted some handy chart that let her know what, presumably, finding a 4” by 4” piece of wood in your pizza entitled you to. Turns out, it’s a pizza of equal value.
Now I found this endlessly fascinating. Not so much the DVD-sized piece of wood in the pizza or the relative disinterest on the part of the employee, but the fact that the company made use of a reference chart that dictated exactly what kind of recompense could be expected for a specific foreign object discovered in their pizza. Well, I did some digging and, after hours of exhaustive research, I managed to get my hands on a copy of said chart. Check it out:
Foreign Object: Hair, fingernail, etc.
Compensation: Extra cheese with next order.
Foreign Object: Insect (in part or whole)
Compensation: Choice of any topping with next order.
Foreign Object: Rodent part and/or excrement.
Compensation: Large Coke or 7-Up with next order.
Foreign Object: Rabbit’s foot (lucky).
Compensation: Complimentary order of cinnamon twisters.
Foreign Object: Rabbit’s foot (unlucky)
Compensation: Two complimentary orders of cinnamon twisters.
Foreign Object: Piece of wood (any size).
Compensation: Pizza of equal value.
Foreign Object: Piece of metal/plastic (any size)
Compensation: Pizza of equal value + order of wacky bread.
Foreign Object: Partial human appendage.
Compensation: Large pizza, any topping + large Coke or 7-Up.
Foreign Object: Monocle.
Compensation: 2 medium pizzas.
Foreign Object: Monocle worn by Werner Kemplerer during his run as Colonel Klink on Hogan’s Heroes.
Compensation: 2 medium pizzas + order of wacky bread.
Foreign Object: Glass shard (any size)
Compensation: Order of spicy wings + large Coke or 7-Up.
Foreign Object: Lemur skull.
Compensation: 2 large pizzas.
Foreign Object: Sharp instrument (non-murder-related but including possible assault).
Compensation: 2 large pizzas.
Foreign Object: Murder weapon (cleaned).
Compensation: 2 large pizzas.
Foreign Object: Murder weapon (uncleaned).
Compensation: 2 large pizzas + cinnamon twisters + potential reward for information leading to a conviction (at the discretion of the local authorities).
Foreign Object: Rare signed copy of Proust’s Le Temps retrouvé.Compensation: 3 large pizzas.
Foreign Object: Ham and pineapple.
Compensation: 3 large pizzas + personal letter of apology from the company president.
All well and good but, seriously, if you found a toenail, a dried caterpillar, or a three year old taxi receipt in your thin crust all-dressed would you be all that inclined to eat anything from the source company ever again? Even if it was free?
We used to frequent a certain Japanese restaurant all the time – until the day Fondy found a piece of glass in her salad. And that was that. We never went back. Growing up, my mother would always make a point of stopping by a local bakery on her way home so we could enjoy their home baked bread. Until the day she found a piece of plastic in the loaf. And there was the time 12 year old me spied a grocery bill swimming in the bottom of our large bottle of 7-Up. My mother was furious. My father, for his part, calmly fished the soggy bill out of the bottle – not to use as evidence in some official customer complaint, but to carefully copy out the timely numbers on the statement for use as that week’s lotto picks. Needless to say, they were not winners. And, in the end, while the incident didn’t stop mom from drinking 7-Up, her drink of choice, it certainly embittered her toward the makers of 7-Up and soft drink companies in general.
So, what’s the weirdest thing you’ve found in your food?
Today’s blog entry is dedicated to Sylvia for helping Anne out with the upcoming BOTM club selections.
Today’s video: Guard Dogs! Fierce, no? Click the link or scroll all the way down…
Mailbag:
Padawan Aneiki writes: “What’s the most dangerous stunt and/or physical effects shot have you guys ever pulled off on SGA?”
Answer: I wouldn’t call any of our stunts dangerous. We have the best stunt coordinator in the city working for us (James Bamford) and all of the stunts are executed by trained professionals. If you had asked me what I thought was the most spectacular stunt we’ve ever pulled off, the one that immediately comes to mind is the replicator jump off the crane in Outcast. The stuntman in that sequence = James Bamford.
ME-Lorne-Super-Fan writes: “Nice new layout by the way, you made it yourself???”
Answer: Nope. It’s one of the many wordpress themes available to users.
PG15 writes: “Does Stargate Continuum now happen after Carter leaves Atlantis in Search and Rescue?”
Answer: Yes.
David writes: “I wanted to know how long in advance before a season starts do you begin writing scripts?”
Answer: About 2-3 months prior to the commencement of principal photography.
Sparrow_hawk writes: “I know that a lot of Wraith fans are nearly overcome with anxiety and are nibbling their nails to the quick (or perhaps even gnawing them to bleeding stubs) since the plot summary for “The Lost Tribe” was posted on the Stargate Solutions blog. I don’t suppose you can set their minds at ease about the fate of the Wraith without giving away too much plot, can you?”
Answer: I’ll just say this. Todd is a multi-layered character and not your typical villain. He acts and reacts logically to the situations in which he finds himself. Don’t be so quick to judge – especially when it comes to Todd.
Naamiaiset writes: “Do you ever get tired of seeing the typical Sci-Fi formula of “good kills evil” and wanted to use/do something different in SGA?”
Answer: My favorite characters are neither good nor evil but somewhere in between.
Judy writes: “What do you think of Clifford Simak?”
Answer: Loved The Way Station.
Shiningwit writes: “Well wish me luck as I have an assessment at 9.30 this morning…”
Answer: So how did it go?
Annie from Freemantle writes: “I’ve got an idea how about “LookwhatforeignobjectIfoundinmytakeoutfood.com””
Answer: Brilliant. And prescient.
Paloosa writes: “I’m miss your pugs. Anymore pictures?”
Answer: How about a video?
Shirt ‘n Tie writes: “There is a scene (which you featured on the blog) of a McKay / Keller Walk and Talk where Keller coughs and realises she’s got the Hoffan Virus. Was this shot on the pathway directly outside Bridge? That stretch that runs parallel to your office?”
Answer: Good eye, Paul. Yes, it is.
Jmanzione writes: “I would like to extend an invitation to my little site on the net, and offer you a Lifetime Membership.”
Answer: That’s very kind of you. I’ll be swinging by in the next few days.
Marsha writes: “ By the way, you never answered by “rocks” question. (Food on the rocks?) It’s driving me nuts – I may have to go to that restaurant just to find out for sure.”
Answer: What was the question again? If it was “Are those rocks” then the answer is “Yep.”.
Luis811 writes: “Where is janina from??”
Answer: Janina is from L.A. But she is a native of Chicago.
GoSpikey writes: “Is Peter DeLuise going to make a contribution to the mid-season 2-parter?”
Answer: Sorry, Spikey. Peter hasn’t worked on the show in years.
Airelle writes: “Do rewrites occur when you are doing the scene, if its not working as you envision it.”
Answer: Occasionally, adjustments may be made to dialogue on set.
Airelle also writes: “Are you on set when filming what you write?”
Answer: I try to be. I dropped by the set while they were shooting Broken Ties, but was there for almost all of the Whispers shoot. I’ll probably be on set or most of Episode #16 as well.
DeeinSouthAfrica writes: “Um, what’s with the automatically generated links at the top? Why try and lure us away?”
Answer: It’s a new wordpress feature I’m not totally sold on. I’ll give it a few more days and then probably lose it.
NarelleFromAus writes: “Locally in Aus, a set of sneakers or shoes thrown over a power line means that there is an affluent pit bull owner in the near vicinity.”
Answer: Really?
Louis writes: “Did you learn Italian and French while growing (family, reiends) up or as an adult (computer software).”
Answer: French and Italian I learned growing up. The little Japanese I know I’ve learned through language CD’s.
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