Well, today is the day many of you have been waiting for. Yes, after having to suffer through nuisance entries on everything from Stargate to my personal life, you’ll all be pleased to know that, with the second round of the NFL playoffs almost upon us, it’s once again time to turn this blog over to our peerless pigskin procrastinators – long-time uber-villain and acting chairman of the League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil, Baron Destructo, and television’s first kid-friendly furry blue junkie, Cookie Monster – for their princely post-season predictions.
Those of you keeping track know that, coming off last weekend’s NFL match-ups and BCS Championship game, Baron Destructo and Cookie Monster have identical 3-2 records straight up. Meh, you may say. However, the Baron is an impressive 4-1 against the point spread. Vegas, take note! Can Baron Destructo continue his winning ways? Can Cookie Monster turn things around and mount a comeback? Will I find my house keys before I get home tonight? Only time will tell…
MATCH-UP: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS AT GREEN BAY PACKERS
(Green Bay favored by 7 ½)
Cookie Monster: “Seattle defense knock down quarterbacks like Grover at Tijuana shot bar. Also, Seahawks coach Holmgren be Fozzie Bear of NFL – come back to old Sesame Street nayborhood, win over tuff crowd, den leave town with gold-plated commemorative plaque from Ukranian multicultural center. Final score: Seahawks 27 Packers 24.”
Baron Destructo: “Next to a clone army, there is no greater tactical advantage than an intimate familiarity with the field of battle. Last weekend, this was a lesson Seattle taught the upstart Redskins. This weekend, it shall be the host Packers turn to bestow the same lesson. Final score: Packers 31 Seahawks 14.”
MATCH-UP: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS AT NEW ENGLAND PATRTIOS
(New England favored by 13 ½)
Baron Destructo: “New England possesses a far superior offense, the better coach, and a well-rested team. Also, a fact not widely circulated: quarterback Tom Brady is a Mark 12 state-of-the-art, top-of-the-line competitive sport robot. He will shred the Jaguars defense with his precision passing – or, as a last resort, his laser eye beams. Final score: Patriots 42 Jaguars 17.”
Cookie Monster: “Storied Sesame Street-Boston rivalry maybe biggest in sports, so very hard for Cookie Monster to pick New England Show-offs. Jaguars scrappy like Big Bird off meds. Final score: Jaguars 31 Patriots 30.”
MATCH-UP: NEW YORK GIANTS AT DALLAS COWBOYS
(Dallas favored by 7 ½)
Cookie Monster: “Beating same team 3 times in a row tuffer den Chili‘s steak served medium-well. And, like Cookie Monster say last week: Giant have heart like Snuffleupagus turd – big and chock full of surprises. Final score: Giants 17 Cowboys 10.”
Baron Destructo: “Last week, the Giants beat a Tampa Bay squad that appeared as competent as Admiral Apocalypto in his bid to steal Madagascar from the Russians. This week, they face the NFL version of, well, me. They shall PRAY FOR MERCY! Final score: Cowboys 35 Giants 10.”
MATCH-UP: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS AT INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
(Indianapolis favored by 8 ½)
Baron Destructo: “With all of the attention paid the New England Patriots and their pristine undefeated season, most have forgotten all about the defending Superbowl champions. And, like a supervillain underestimated and unappreciated by the simple-minded masses, the Colts have been lying in wait, quietly biding their time, ready to spring and claim their first unwary victims. The world shall rue their foolishness! Final score: Colts 28 Chargers 17.”
Cookie Monster: “Peyton Manning audibling remind Cookie Monster of his uncle Angus from Arkansas. For many years, me wonder if him Pentecostal or Spiritist because he always speaking in tongues. Turn out neither. He German. Final score: Chargers 34 Colts 28.”
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