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A spam email to my Aloysius. P. Hazzencockle account the other day started like this “This message might meet you in utmost surprise” then went on to offer me the opportunity to cash in on some dead guy’s languishing funds to the tune of nine million dollars. How could Hazzencockle resist! I/he wrote back:

“Dear Friend and/or Potential Business Associate and/or Facebook Friend,

If you thought your message would be surprised, imagine how shocked I was when I read it. Wow! Getting on the internet has been the best decision I’ve ever made, second only to my investment in that Manitoban agave farm. Over the course of my few years online, I have befriended Nigerian princes, wealthy widowers, and now a benevolent banker. If it was not for the generosity of strangers such as yourself, I would never have been able to afford my mid-town castle with genuine crocodile-infested moat, home to nearly one hundred once-needy orphans (and the occasional adult entertainer) who now have a roof over their heads, at least one meal a day, and a secure position in my burgeoning sneaker factory where they are paid in excess of five cents an hour for such simple tasks as stitching, tanning, and the slaughtering and skinning of various animals for their precious hides.

Your offer is most intriguing, but forgive me if I exercise some caution in these proceedings. You claim that the individual whose unclaimed assets your bank holds died with his entire family in a plane crash, and even offer up a link to prove as much. The news story you provided is certainly legitimate, but I must question the veracity of the death – just to be absolutely certain. Mistakes do happen, particularly in incidents like airline disasters where shockingly uncooperative victims may wander away from crash sites to assume new identities in their amnesiac states, leading to all sorts of blunders, oversights, and, on rare instances, unintended hilarity. Believe me, the possibility of a dead man showing up on your doorstep to repossess your fortune is not one I would cherish (It has happened to my Uncle Rudolpho on more than one occasion and, he’ll tell you, it aint pleasant). All this to say – I’d like to be absolutely certain that the individual in question is in fact dead before proceeding with our business venture. And so, to put my mind at ease, would you be so kind as to provide me with the following at your earliest convenience:

1. Copy of official death certificate.

2. Copy of obituary.

3. Copy of bank statements showing account has been inactive for the period since his death.

4. Piece of exhumed body part (ie. a finger would suffice) or 50 grams of cremated ash.

I look forward to doing business with you.

Sincerely,

Aloysius P. Hazzencockle”

I hope this one actually writes back. I’ve been finding it increasingly difficult to engage these scammers in any sort of sustained correspondence. What happened to infinitely patient rubes like the dying Ali who was so convinced of Aloysius P. Hazzencockle’s genuine interest in his in inheritance that he suffered through endless emails detailing Hazzencockle’s plans to use the money to build an orphanage (that, coincidentally, also met his needs for new housing), barrister James Williams who proved so desperate to get Cookie Monster’s banking information that he put up with countless emails concerning the Sesame Street gangs misadventures, or that guy from I-don’t-remember-where who grew so frustrated with Baron Destructo’s inability to come up with a requested fee that he was willing to forego the cash payment in exchange for the pair of rocket boots the Baron was kind enough to offer instead. What gives?

A home cooked meal last night compliments of mom. Great orechietti, meatballs, and short ribs in tomato sauce accompanied by a truly terrible salad. There was so much vinegar in the dressing that it would have surely corroded the utensils had I not had the foresight to rinse them before popping them into the dishwasher. “It’s fine,”my mother informed the table as she chowed down. “It burns my lips!”I protested. My physical discomfort elicited none of the expected sympathy. Instead, she laughed and went right on eating. For dessert, we had some of the desserts she’d brought with her from Montreal.

Yet another rainy day today. My mother wanted to stay inside. I suggested that there were plenty of places we could go on a rainy day. “Want to go to the art gallery?”I asked, suggesting one of the many mother-son excursions I had researched and planned for her stay. “No,”she emphatically replied, looking at me as if I’d just asked her to help me kill someone. I mentally crossed that Museum of Anthropology visit off my list and, instead, we went shopping. After about three hours of braving the holiday crowd, I was left exhausted, irritable, slightly nauseous, and battling a splitting headache. It was as if I’d eaten an entrée of tainted clams, or been forced to sit through Moulin Rouge for the second time.

For dinner tonight, we went to mom’s favorite restaurant in Vancouver, Ouzerie, for the best lamb chops in the town, a house moussaka with spicing reminiscent of pumpkin pie, and baklava, the most cloyingly sweet dessert this side of a Cadbury’s Easter Cream Egg.

The mailbag may be here tomorrow – along with my sis whose flight is scheduled to arrive a little after 8:30 p.m.

75 thoughts on “December 19, 2007: Spambait, corrosive salad, and mom nixes the arts

  1. Ah, the joys of parent-child outings…we just returned from taking GeekBoy, who has issues with crowds, loud noises and heights, to see Mannheim Steamroller in concert–with seats on the upper level, first row. What were we thinking?? He will forgive us eventually, I think.

  2. Your story about the vinegar is hilarious. I know what you mean, my cousins (also from the Montreal area) love vinegar on everything. Particularly fries. As an American I naturally contest that fries are married to ketchup (not castup) or just salt for the minimalist. Vinegar really does burn in high doses (a unit of measurement used for all poisons).

    Do you typically host one or more major family holiday’s? We have had several family members blow through town on special occasions for the last several years. It can be fun…if the family member visitng is in the “fun-loving” mood.

  3. So no pics of the salad? Or perhaps it dissolved the bowl…………..and benchtop like something reminiscent of ‘Alien’. (sorry Mama Joe)

    Just a heads up. Customs don’t allow body parts in the mail. Something to do with germs and all that piddly biohazard technology stuff. Tell your potential business partner/facebook friend to declare it as ‘mummified remains of a Wraith hand from the Pilot episode of SGA’. That should work. They’ll think it’s latex.

    Had a great giggle with the read (thankyou)and am about to link my bestest internet friend in da whole woyld to your blog. He’d love it.

  4. Dear Joe,
    Are you and any of the cast going to be at the People’s choice awards? I don’t usually watch it, but I will if you guys do go. I’m sure the fans that go will be excited too.
    Also, one more question. Sheppard has had alot of angst scenes with Rodney, Weir, and a little with Ronon and Teyla. Except for Outcast, is that it?

  5. It says under your blog, “No comments”, but I have one. And I have a couple of questions.

    Looking at yesterdays (December18th) pictures, I love the tile in your kitchen. Did you have your house built? If so, you did a wonderful job in deciding the look of it.

    The questions:

    1) If you had a choice, would you prefer “The Omega Man” or “I am Legend”?

    2) Have you ever done anything totally insane in university, like swallowing a goldfish whole?

    Patricia

  6. joe said: “It burns my lips!’I protested. My physical discomfort elicited none of the expected sympathy. Instead, she laughed and went right on eating.”

    NOW we know where you got your sense of humor! 😛

    sally 😆

  7. Oh my, is your entire family showing up? The last time everyone on my mom’s side of the family was together in one house was about eight years ago and it was an absolute disaster. Flying silverware, crying, complaining, people storming out of the house, and various uncles (the guys who married my aunts, not my moms brother) disappearing. I think one of the uncles is still missing. Huh. Anywho, there hasn’t been a family reunion since (and you thought Ronon’s reunions were bad…..)

  8. Crazymom Says:
    Ah, the joys of parent-child outings…we just returned from taking GeekBoy, who has issues with crowds, loud noises and heights, to see Mannheim Steamroller in concert–with seats on the upper level, first row. What were we thinking?? He will forgive us eventually, I think.

    What were you thinking? About the forgiveness thing, good luck, he might (but probably won’t).

  9. Hi Joe! Your mom’s cooking sounds amazing! I wish I had an Italian mother! Bummer that she insisted on shopping over the art gallery, though. Kudos to you for making it through even three hours of it. Find any good presents, though? Have fun with your sis in town tomorrow? Okay, now question. What was the most fun part of having Paul McG. back on set to film his two eps for the season? Did you see his (front page) article on the Stargate magazine?!

  10. Suffice to say I’m having a deja vu, 8:30, hmm?
    I wonder if someone will be waiting around the airport like a hopeless lacky until the plane arrives seven hours delayed. However unlikely it has happened before. No?

  11. But Cadbury’s Cream Eggs are not just for Easter. Rest assured they’ll appear in the shops the first week of January, giving you plenty of time to stock up for the months of shortage over the summer. Well, at least they do in the UK. Rarely find them in the US though, so I have had to import in the past.

  12. Hi Joe:

    Glad I finally found your new home for your blog, I’ve been checking the old one forever, and I really missed my fix, can’t live without that bit of snarky humor to keep me laughing.

  13. Hey, you titled this blog entry. You should do that with all your blog entries, it’s cool. Which number is it coming up in the blog comments contests (10,000 or 100,000)? What’s the prize for that? How many comments till then (I bet the not being able to post any blog entries thing last week helped)?

  14. Hee Hee Hee when I heard you mention sitting thru Moulin Rouge you reminded me of the time I saw it with my ex boyfriend when he turned to me and said “You knew this was a musical didn’t you.” he was not happy with me he didn’t ask what kind of movie it was and it was my turn to pick a movie. I regretted seeing it I was making fun of it while watching it laughing at how bad it was the over acting the only good performance was Nicole Kidman. After that he wouldn’t see Chicago which was a much better movie but because of Moulin Rouge he wouldn’t see it. So any chance Vala could go with Daniel to Atlantis when he visits Vala is friends with Sam too pretty please I know it is a long shot but I can dream

  15. Mr. M.,

    I’d like to request help from Baron Destructo and his cohorts at L.A.M.E. Do you think they could completely obliterate the memory of a specific song from the DJs at my favorite local radio station? They’ve been playing Christmas music 24/7 since before Thanksgiving — which is okay with me — and have a really bad habit of playing the original “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas” by Gayla Peevey at least once an hour. I’ve heard it so much I know all the words!

    If you’re not familiar with it, you can listen to the horror that is this song here. I believe it is the soundtrack in hell.

    Any help would be appreciated. Prayers welcomed.

    Anne Teldy

  16. hey joe thought i would share a wonderful dining and cooking opprotunity with you that will be happening in january. The Washington State University Livestock Masters Foundation will be putting on the Country Living Expo and Cattlemen’s Winterschool on january 19th(its a saturday). We will be offering a catered full prime rib lunch, and also many exciting classes(such as gourmet beef cooking classes with full hands on demonstrations) want more info? hit me an email: jaggoatgal@yahoo.com

  17. dang…why do you always have a ‘no mailbag’ when I’ve asked you questions??? 😆

    OK, at the risk of repeating myself…necessary on the non-mailbag days alas…

    a) what’s your mamma’s favorite recipe, and b) have you ever tried marron (freshwater crayfish)?

  18. Joe, you’ve really got to be exceptionally good natured to spend *three hours* doing holiday shopping with – well, with anyone, really, unless you’re assisting one of Aloysius’s adult entertainers with her choice of garments, at a lingerie store (to be discreet about it) that would make a parisienne “escort” blush.

    I’m quite sympathetic about the vinegar salad. On the bright side, if your mom keeps making it, the acid will help offset some of those holiday excesses. (Although, I suspect you’d rather amp up your workout rather than lose a few pounds by having your gastrointestinal system dissolve.)

    – I’m now picturing Cookie Monster trying to go over his bank statements. Oh man. I think Joe Abercrombie has a brilliant idea with his concept of you publishing your replies to spam-mailers. Line up a talented comic illustrator, and you’re set…. 😀 (So maybe not anytime soon, but someday. Seriously!)

  19. anneteldy Says:
    Mr. M.,

    I’d like to request help from Baron Destructo and his cohorts at L.A.M.E. Do you think they could completely obliterate the memory of a specific song from the DJs at my favorite local radio station? They’ve been playing Christmas music 24/7 since before Thanksgiving — which is okay with me — and have a really bad habit of playing the original “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas” by Gayla Peevey at least once an hour. I’ve heard it so much I know all the words!

    If you’re not familiar with it, you can listen to the horror that is this song here. I believe it is the soundtrack in hell.

    Any help would be appreciated. Prayers welcomed.

    Anne Teldy

    Hey, I like that song! Though it does tend to get annoying if you hear it 100 times in a row. (Hey, did you know that the link will keep playing and playing and playing the song…..ugh! Okay, now I’m sick of it.) Now I really can’t stand the songs Santa Baby, I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause, Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer, and Twelve Days of Christmas. I do like the christmas songs Last Christmas by Ashley Tisdale, Christmas Shoes, and What Child Is This? (instrumental version) though. So no calling me a scrooge. Hey Mr. Mallozzi, what’s your favorite christmas song?

    Anne Teldy…..hmm……..aren’t you the one who kidnapped Sheppard? You do know if you keep him much longer they’ll have to kick (aka kill) him off the show, right?

  20. Mr. M wrote:

    It was as if I’d eaten an entrée of tainted clams, or been forced to sit through Moulin Rouge for the second time.

    Please tell me you mean the travesty that was the 2001 musical Moulin Rouge! with Nicole Kidman and not the incredible 1952 film Moulin Rouge with the outstanding performance of José Ferrer?

    Anne Teldy (No, Col. Sheppard. Still no word on Mallozzi. The Baron is most definitely a risk. I think the hot tub’s ready now. Shall we?)

  21. “It was as if I’d eaten an entrée of tainted clams, or been forced to sit through Moulin Rouge for the second time.”

    I read the above comment with mounting horror. I fear you are not the only one to have endured such torture. Having two daughters I have been endlessly subjected to this so much so that I now walk with a pronounced limp, drool constantly and have a tendency to shout profanities when people break into unsolicited song or commit Karaoke, whoever would have thought of using Nicole Kidman as a WMD?

  22. Elizabeth wrote:

    Now I really can’t stand the songs Santa Baby, I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause, Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer, and Twelve Days of Christmas. I do like the christmas songs Last Christmas by Ashley Tisdale, Christmas Shoes, and What Child Is This? (instrumental version) though.

    I like Eartha Kitt’s “Santa Baby”. Can’t stand Jimmy Boyd — or anyone else for that matter — doing “I Saw Mommy…”. “Grandma Got Run Over…” can get old. Even people who don’t like the song enjoy this funny performance of “Twelve Days of Christmas” by Straight No Chaser. I don’t know the Tisdale song. Is it a remake of Wham!’s “Last Christmas”? (“Last Christmas I gave you my heart. The very next day….”) “The Christmas Shoes” should be illegal. The instrumental version of “What Child Is This?” is “Greensleeves”.:-)

    There are some Christmas songs you don’t hear often that I adore. I love Bobby Darin’s “Christmas Auld Lang Syne” and Dean Martin’s “The Christmas Blues”. “Grown Up Christmas List” by a good singer (Amy Grant or Natalie Cole, for example) is also good. And “O, Holy Night” by someone who can really do it (Josh Groban, Michael Crawford, Mario Lanza, etc.) is awe-inspiring.

    And what would the holiday be without Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” and Nat “King” Cole’s “The Christmas Song”?

    Anne Teldy…..hmm……..aren’t you the one who kidnapped Sheppard?

    Sigh. I did not kidnap John Sheppard! I placed him in protective custody. He is, of course, free to go at any time.

    Anne Teldy (Still no word, John. Mallozzi is still in the hands of that evil bastard. We should probably just go on to bed. 😉 )

  23. Ouch. I know what “blue-lip” syndrome is like. Next time (what next time?) you should just grab the olive oil bottle and rejig the ratio of oil to vinegar (unless there was absolutely no oil to begin with *shudders*).

    I hope the special desserts made up for some of the discomfort. Otherwise, it’s time to go buy some lip balm!

  24. Mmmm, Cadbury Creme Eggs…

    I hate it when you get one where the chocolate shell wasn’t sealed properly so the inside is no longer an oozy creme, but more of a thick granular substance. Very sad. Unfortunately, it happens all too often. The Cadbury factory needs to get its act together. Or, I should say, the Cadbury bunnies should start laying better eggs. They obviously have a lackadaisical work ethic.

  25. I miss the good all days of making fun of scammers…..ahh the memories.
    Those story’s always made me laugh!

    Scammers must be more scamatious! (made up word..dah)

  26. anneteldy Says:
    Elizabeth wrote:
    Now I really can’t stand the songs Santa Baby, I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause, Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer, and Twelve Days of Christmas. I do like the christmas songs Last Christmas by Ashley Tisdale, Christmas Shoes, and What Child Is This? (instrumental version) though.
    I like Eartha Kitt’s “Santa Baby”. Can’t stand Jimmy Boyd — or anyone else for that matter — doing “I Saw Mommy…”. “Grandma Got Run Over…” can get old. Even people who don’t like the song enjoy this funny performance of “Twelve Days of Christmas” by Straight No Chaser. I don’t know the Tisdale song. Is it a remake of Wham!’s “Last Christmas”? (”Last Christmas I gave you my heart. The very next day….”) “The Christmas Shoes” should be illegal. The instrumental version of “What Child Is This?” is “Greensleeves”.:-)

    I haven’t heard the funny version of Twelve Days of Christmas. Yep, it’s a remake, except it’s now a Disney song 🙂 Hey, The Christmas Shoes is good! Kind of sad but good. We are thinking of the same song, right? The one where a little boy wants to buy his mom, who’s dying, a pair of shoes for Christmas? Thanks for the song’s name, I didn’t know that.

    There are some Christmas songs you don’t hear often that I adore. I love Bobby Darin’s “Christmas Auld Lang Syne” and Dean Martin’s “The Christmas Blues”. “Grown Up Christmas List” by a good singer (Amy Grant or Natalie Cole, for example) is also good. And “O, Holy Night” by someone who can really do it (Josh Groban, Michael Crawford, Mario Lanza, etc.) is awe-inspiring.
    And what would the holiday be without Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” and Nat “King” Cole’s “The Christmas Song”?

    Is Bobby Darin the singer who sang Beyond The Sea? I’ve heard that song and it’s really good. Also I like the Amy Grant version of Grown Up Christmas List. And O Holy Night is good. However, I’m not fond of White Christmas (that’s the one that goes: “I’m dreaming of a white christmas, just like the ones I use to know”, right?)

    Anne Teldy…..hmm……..aren’t you the one who kidnapped Sheppard?
    Sigh. I did not kidnap John Sheppard! I placed him in protective custody. He is, of course, free to go at any time.
    Anne Teldy (Still no word, John. Mallozzi is still in the hands of that evil bastard. We should probably just go on to bed. )

    Uh huh. I don’t believe that.

  27. Oh yeah,

    I shall speak on behalf of Australia and the AFI (Australian Film Industry) when I say ” We sincerely apologise for Moulin Rouge”. But not “Priscilla”.
    ………

  28. Here’s to hoping your sister’s flight will be on time. And good luck on any additional shopping you may be forced (smile) to do. And speaking of shopping-what would Baron Destructo give his cohorts for Christmas? Or would he just go with “coal in the stocking” trick?

  29. Does Carson live??

    I think that is the most important thing we know.
    When roughly will “last man” air?(month)

  30. When do you think, realistically by the time you have gotten stated on production, the fifth season will be ready to air?

    In your time on Stargate, you must have some idea of how long it takes to role out the first few episodes.

  31. As I guy I used to work with always said “Parents – can’t live with them, can’t shoot them” – I think he was joking.

    That much quality time with my Mum would usually involve recovering with a liberal dose of whisky, in a dark room, rocking back and fowards muttering “never again”. Shopping with Mum is a nightmare – one word – aaargh. Department stores and supermarkets are her natural habitat.

    As for Creme Eggs – they’re on sale in Aberdeen already!!!! Someone, somewhere in the North East of Scotland will be deep frying one as we speak.

    Never mind, just back from my last meeting of the year (I hope) and found a box of Swiss choccies and a bottle of Champagne on my desk – not the healthiest of lunches but, meh.

    Meils

  32. Alas Mr. Mallozzi, you (or should I say the Cookie Monster, Baron Destructo, et.al) are partially responcible for the decline of patience in those soliciting your help in moving massive amounts of money about. It’s all about evoutionary pressures. Those who engage in long term negotiations with targe…um, willing assistants simple dont rake in the same amount of scam money. So they are still trying to engage victims instead of obliginly responding to you. One can hope this newest one is a throwback and will provide some extended entertainment, but alas, I would not expect this trend to reverse anytime soon.
    3 hours of shopping? That exceeds my total holiday shopping time by a good 65 minutes. No wonder you have a headache. And now with your sister arriving, you have the joy of anticipating another excursion over the weekend. Alas, I know of no over the counter medication that can provide sufficient relief to the symptoms this added trip will generate. In sympathy, I’ll make this a question free comment.

  33. My husband comes home from the Army today and I told him I read your blog and he told me to say “what’s up”. We both hope you have fun with your family over the holidays 🙂

  34. I had a dream last night that I do believe would serve as a most excellent episode for season 5.

    Beckett, after returning to Atlantis, is sent back to Earth for a little R&R. He is sent to General O’Neil’s old cabin, where he sees a white horse standing in the front entrance. Confused, he turns to O’Neil, who is accompanying him, and questions the horse’s existence. Jack responds with, “Carson. . .don’t judge a horse by its color.”

    The horse tilts its head to one side and morphs into a giant polar bear, and then it says, “Welcome, Carson; I’ve been expecting you.”

    The rest of the episode deals with Carson and the bear sitting inside the cabin, discussing the meaning of life over various cakes and pies. A sub-plot deals with O’Neil, having been banned from his cabin, trying to cook the most delicious desert in the world so he can regain the bear’s favor.

  35. Three hours shopping in holiday crowds????!!!! How could any loving mother subject her child to that??

    I hate shopping during regular days. I do my utmost to avoid the holiday crush at malls and absolutely refuse to shop Black Friday and Day after Christmas!

    At least she didn’t drag you to some ratty diner or fast food joint afterwards.

    You might want to send John Sheppard the vinegar dressing (c/o Anne Teldy) he could possibly use it in an escape attempt.

  36. Take your mother shopping at Bosa’s – it’s near your work, full of happy Italians and will keep you both busy for an hour or so.

  37. Darn! Well, I’ll be! I take a break of a couple of days, come back and find no update. I figure Mr M has had technology issues and I’ll check back again later. Days later and I start wondering what’s going on! Then, after TWO HOURS of wading through comments, I find the link to here and WHAM! Straight back into touch! HUZZAH!!! I can resume my daily fix! *grin*

    Although I must admit, I was having trouble keeping quiet reading about the rescue plans – how on earth did you manage to NOT pee your pants reading all that!?!?! I would list everyone by name but you all know who you are!! *applauds*

    Joe…I think your mom and mine have the same tastes in authors – I swear my mother has every Binchy novel going! I’m trying to wean her onto others things – like James Patterson – but it’s an uphill struggle I tell you!

    Anyways…good to see you back on form, Joe! OH! If someone wanted to send a New Years gift to the crew, where would it need to be sent to?

    *hugs*

    Dreams

  38. Now I’m all curious what you found exhausting, irritating, nauseating, and headache-inducing about Moulin Rouge. Well, granted, I think it’s probably advisable to take a dose of Dramamine before viewing, but well worth enduring just to see and hear Ewan McGregor singing. But perhaps that’s just me?

    Sorry to hear your mother wasn’t keen on the art gallery idea. And the Museum of Anthropology sounded like such a cool way to spend the afternoon.

  39. Hi Joe, I was wondering if the movies will have a title sequence or will all credits run at the end? If there is a title, will it be all new?

    Thanks

  40. Hi Joe,
    I didn’t know you moved your blog over here but I’m certainly glad I tracked you down there as I’m arriving in Van in january and will need good restaurant adresses 😉
    now do you know if there is a RSS feed for this blog ? how does it work ? I can see it for the entry but not for the whole blog….I’d like to know when you update so I can try and read it as often as possible.
    Thanks and keep writing, reading you makes me smile each and every time 🙂
    Marion
    Ps: Want anything from France ??? Chocolate ? Nutella ? Foie Gras ? Cheese ? 😀 or did my friend “Caroleeeeeeena” brought back enough stuff for you from her last trip in France 😀 Caro, if you read me, don’t kill me :p

  41. oups found the RSS Feed..sorry for filling your mailbox!!! but the chocolate offer is still on 😉 I’ll just take a little commission for the transport :p

  42. Hi Joe.
    I feel silly that it took me a week to find your new blog….

    I’ve been away at my sisters and I even had to goole your name each and every time but didn’t really look to see if any other blog site was created. I thought that you were in some mortal danger.. I was worried sick!! I’m very pleased to read your rummages again. Had to catch up!

    Any News Years resolutions this year?
    Mine to comment on every one of your blog entries in 2008!!

    Maybe we contributed to your restricted Blooger problems… although I’m not sure how they classified it as spam… Isn’t blooging inharintly repiative??

    Your mom did not want to visit the Musem of Anthropology?? I’m studing Cultural Anthroplogy at Wilfred Lauier University. I’m going to specailize in medical Anthropolgy in regards to people with disabilites and how they are segrated in different cultures and social settings. I tried very hard to find a way of incorpurating Stargate but well… that’s not working out so well any suggestions?

    I’m a huge fan of the new blog space so my vote (if your still counting) goes to staying here!! It’s easier on my eyes. The black background with white writing made my eyes go funny…

    MERRY CHRISTMAS!! JOYES FETES!!! (spelling?? my french is rusty) to you, Fondy, the puppies and to all your family.

    yours truly
    PLoker

  43. Message for anneteldy (Somehow this ended up in my email. Guess there might have been a power surge through the Gate when the email was sent and it ended up being redirected here.)

    Dear Ms. anneteldy:

    It has come to our attention that you are holding Lt. Col. Sheppard in “protective custody” as you so euphemistically put it. However, the time has come for you to return him to Atlantis.

    While this whole “Joe Mallozzi has been kidnapped” kerfuffle was going on (Who is Joe Mallozzi, anyway? Another one of Sheppard’s grunts?), it appears that you took advantage of the situation to abduct the Colonel.

    Okay, so it took us awhile to realize anything was wrong, but when he didn’t return as scheduled, we began to look into his disappearance. Didn’t take long to find him, either, since he has that rather nifty subcutaneous transmitter, courtesy of the Asgard. Made him very easy to locate.

    We haven’t liberated him from your clutches due to his rather, shall we say, “delicate” condition clothingwise. Although, Teyla was game for giving it a go. (*Ow. What was that for?*)

    Anyway, if the Colonel is not returned immediately, a contingent of Marines will be dispatched to liberate him from you. And, no, Maj. Lorne will not be accompanying them.

    Yours truly,

    Dr. Rodney McKay (Too many degrees to list)
    Ronon Dex (Amed to the teeth)
    Teyla Emmagan (Female! Enough said) (*OW*)

  44. Its good to hear your family is all coming to see you. I’ve got a few questsions if you get time between all the ladies in your life.
    1) Where did you grow up in the first place?
    2) Does the Baron have an origin story? (if yes, what is it?)
    3) Whenever there is a dog on stargate, is it usually a crew memebers or do you guys have to hire an acting dog?
    4) If there is a storyline in Stargate that you wish you could revisit in a non canon episode?

  45. What gives?

    I suspect Ebola Monkey Man and his minions (of which you are one, heh) have begun to exhaust the capabillities of the Nigerian Scam Express. Keep up the good work!

    I want to wish you, JM, and your lovely Fondy, and your mom, and all your readers a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year! I am off to a beach in Florida for Christmas week.

    Cheers,
    RebeccaH

  46. Greetings!

    Amazing looking desserts there, they look absolutely delicious! Sounds like you’re going to have a great holiday season with your family. 😀

    Speaking of desserts and Canada, what do you think about Tim Hortons?

  47. Cat4444 said:

    “…..we haven’t liberated him from your clutches due to his rather, shall we say, “delicate” condition clothingwise. Although, Teyla was game for giving it a go. (*Ow. What was that for?*)

    Anyway, if the Colonel is not returned immediately, a contingent of Marines will be dispatched to liberate him from you. And, no, Maj. Lorne will not be accompanying them.

    Yours truly,

    Dr. Rodney McKay (Too many degrees to list)
    Ronon Dex (Amed to the teeth)
    Teyla Emmagan (Female! Enough said) (*OW*)”

    I haven’t laughed so much for ages, Cat!! Though I had some pretty embarrassing images popping up in my head, I’m ashamed to admit – but I enjoyed them anyway, hehe!

    I have to say Joe, I winced when reading about your mother’s salad dressing, and my mouth burned and then wartered in sympathy! The rest of your meal sounded wonderful though!

  48. anne teldy wrote:

    Even people who don’t like the song enjoy this funny performance of “Twelve Days of Christmas” by Straight No Chaser.
    ———-

    LOL, that was great! 😀 *goes to listen again*

  49. Hi Joe, just thought of you when seeing this article on CNN:

    101 Dumbest Moments in Business
    Top tech flops: Blogger
    What comes up first when you Google “screwup”?
    Google’s Blogger software misidentifies a company-written blog as spam and automatically disables it.
    Last updated December 20 2007: 10:06 AM ET

    Guess you should stick to WordPress.

    HAPPY HOLIDAYS to you and your family!!! 😀

  50. Hi Joe
    i am glad i finally found you newsite! I was wondering what had happened. i’ve spent better part of the morning catching up.
    i was wondering if you had been following House this season???What did you think of the selection for his new team????
    thanks, have an awesome day

    BN

  51. kdvb1 wrote:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqDE8kocoTI&feature=related
    —–

    Another keeper! 😀 (Thanks for the post, kdvb!) – Joe, I can’t believe you guys sang for the DVD commentary, but it’s put a big smile on my face.

    It’s so great to log on and have fun not only reading your blog entries, but so many great comments as well. And then, it’s fun to pass on a lot of the links to friends and family. 🙂

    (okay, I’ve commented enough already; but it’s Christmas, and all….)

  52. Ok. So, I can only say I do know how to spell watered! Why is there no preview of the post option here? LOL!

  53. “Want to go to the art gallery?”I asked, suggesting one of the many mother-son excursions I had researched and planned for her stay. “No,”she emphatically replied, looking at me as if I’d just asked her to help me kill someone. I mentally crossed that Museum of Anthropology visit off my list

    LOL! That made me laugh out loud at work! That and the thing with the vinegar LOL Sounds like your family holiday is off to a great start LOL!

    “kdvb1 Says:
    If anyone hasn’t heard it, here are Joe M., Paul M. and Peter D. singing the lyrics to the Stargate: SG-1 song”

    That was very amusing! LOL! Thanks for that!

  54. I so love the spammers!! Great laughs are guaranteed!! Merry Christmas to you, your wife, your families and the pups!! Hope Santa is extra good to you all!!

  55. 1)Will the difference between the Replicators who strive to liken themselves to humans and those who would exact universal domination be explored more this season?

    2)Will tolerance and forgiveness play a part this year?

  56. Annie from Fremantle Says:
    Oh yeah,

    I shall speak on behalf of Australia and the AFI (Australian Film Industry) when I say ” We sincerely apologise for Moulin Rouge”. But not “Priscilla”.

    Oh I absolutely ADORE “Priscilla” never fails to crack me up. no apologies needed here!

  57. – I quite liked Moulin Rouge (yes, the 2001 version) – but acknowledge it’s not everyone’s cup 0′ tea
    – Hate, hate with-a-hate-hatier-than-hate anything to do with The Christmas Shoes. Ugh!

    And now, a question re the writers’ strike: With Carl picketing as a member of WGA, does that mean he can’t write for SGA season 5 at this point? Or is he ok, with it being a Canadian production?

  58. Is there lyrics to the Stargate Atlantis theme tune?

    Ask your mother to help you write it so that wee Carson is mentioned, she is the SCB nagging voice in your ear. “Save Carson, Save Carson” she will repeat over and over again, she will record the message and when she goes home it will play during the night – subliminal message.

    She might have purchased savecarsonbeckett doggy outfits from http://www.cafepress.com/savecarson 🙂 🙂

  59. Hi Joe, in regarding to comfort and care in your old age, I can help with housekeeping. I have worked in four Heritage B&B establishments, and I have now found employment with one of NZ’s leading hotel chains.

    Working this morning was a doddle compared to the B&B’s, I work with someone and working in a heritage situation has helped train me for this hotel work.

    As for personal ablutions – you are on your own, or find a nurse. After all, that is why I gave up the idea of nursing; and as for changing/washing someone else’s kid – FORGET IT!!!!!

    I wish everyone Happy and Safe Holidays.

  60. You’ve been converted I see with the move to WordPress. You can’t beat WordPress! I went to your blog today and wondered what had happened to you since you always post a daily blog. I don’t always get the time to read your blog but I do enjoy reading the odd post here and there so I am glad you are still with us.

  61. See? I told you shopping would go down well!

    Good luck surviving in a house with your mum AND your sister. 😉 (Is Fondy there too? Not heard much about her lately, I hope she’s okay!)

  62. Dr. Meredith Rodney McKay
    Mr. Ronon Dex
    Teyla Emmagan
    c/o cat4444’s email

    Dear Dr. McKay, et al.,

    🙄 What makes you think he wants to be rescued? 😉

    Anne Teldy (Hey, John. Looks like I was right about putting your subq transmitter into that rat. The Baron’s minions are running in circles. Shall we try page 117 this time?)

  63. Elizabeth wrote:

    Hey, The Christmas Shoes is good! Kind of sad but good.

    That’s why it should be illegal. Too sad.

    Is Bobby Darin the singer who sang Beyond The Sea?

    Yep.

    I’m not fond of White Christmas (that’s the one that goes: “I’m dreaming of a white christmas, just like the ones I use to know”, right?)

    Yes it is and you aren’t human.:-)

    You can hear Dean Martin’s “The Christmas Blues” here.

    You can hear Bobby Darin’s “Christmas Auld Lang Syne” here.

    And, if you missed it, you can hear Straight No Chaser’s funny version of “The Twelve Days of Christmas” here.

    Anne Teldy (No, John. Nothing new on Mallozzi, but the Baron’s really getting frustrated that he can’t find you. I’m sure he’ll make a mistake any day now and you’ll be able to go back to Atlantis. Until then, would you like to try the Tantric guide this time?)

  64. Hi Joe-

    I was all ready to feel sorry for you until I had to spend 2 hours trying to teach my dad how to facebook. Don’t get me wrong, my dad is brilliant, but computers vex him and I had to go over the same information several times, moving the cursor very slowly as he took notes. I did get some fine liver and onions from my stepmother for my efforts, but I too ended up with a wicked headache. I did tell him he was not going to be part of the “secret sister shit” threads (I have 2), and he was cool with that…and then he wanted me to explain a thread. Agh! Gotta love the daddy.

    Have you taken your mom out to look at Christmas lights?

  65. Love the post. I had a very quick question: what ever happened to Nick Ballard (spelling?), Daniel’s grandfather from “Crystal Skull”?

  66. After a 4 bookstore hunt I now have in my hands Consider Phlebas and plan on bonding with my deck chair while getting stuck into it.
    Joe, I was wondering whether there were some actors that came through Stargate that just never mastered the correct pronunciation Goa’uld?
    Wishing your family and all other bloggers all the best for a very Merry Chrissy (and related celebrations) and a happy new year.

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