Of all of my alternate yahoo accounts, AgentWexler’s is the one that gets the least amount of activity, virtually ignored by spammers who, for reasons known only to them, have chosen not to solicit a presumed FBI agent in their scamly endeavors. My Melvinskidnappers account, on the other hand, is seeing the heaviest traffic of all, averaging a good 10-20 “business proposals” a day. Why a group of kidnappers is considered a better mark than, say, a nefarious super villain (BaronDestructo), an angling philanthropist (Aloysius P. Hazzencockle), a loquacious shut-in in desperate need of companionship (Percival H. Lintmuffin), a humorless senior (MargaretQuibble), or a denizen of one of America’s best-loved neighborhoods (Cookie Monster) is beyond me, but given the number of emails piling up, I thought it would be a good idea to respond to them en masse and clear my inbox. Today, all received the following:

“Thank you for your interest in obtaining our services with regard to the business proposal outlined in your latest email. We would love to enter into partnership with you but, to do so, we require a little information –

Your Name:

Your Location:

Your Net Worth:

The Best Time For You To Be Kidnapped:

Suggested Ransom Expected:

And Finally – “What makes you someone we would want to kidnap?” (in 250 words or less):

Rest assured that this information will not be shared with any third party interests such as big box stores, financial institutions, religious organizations, or needy relatives and is for the exclusive use of Melvinskdinappers, their underworld associates, a handful of internet dating services, and Runners World Magazine. Should you prove a viable candidate, you will be informed of our decision enroute to our hideout (although the blackjack to the head will probably be a dead giveaway).

Finally, please understand that as much as we would love to kidnap you all, time and limited resources necessitate our putting your through this rather rigorous selection process. If you do not hear back from us within the month, assume that we have decided to pass on your application and moved on. But do not be discouraged as our timetable and needs are ever-shifting and today’s too-lame-to-bother-with hopeful is tomorrow’s promising bruised and earless candidate.


Mr. Kidnapper :)”

No mailbag today as I’m taking the night off to clean out the refrigerator, do the dishes, throw out the garbage, organize the recycling, check the mail, and turn in early so that I can finish The Doomsday Book. I’ll return with the mailbag tomorrow-ish. To tide you over –

Today’s video: Click on the date for a very short clip from the Harmony shoot that I wasn’t going to bother posting but, after further consideration, figured some of you might find it of interest.

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