What a week. First, we receive news that Atlantis has been picked up for a fifth season. Then, I get my test results back – everything is normal. Finally, my Melvinskidnappers account received the following email:
“We are please to inform you of the announcement today of the QUEEN ELIZABETH International Poverty Alleviation Grant Scheme held on 26th October 2007. this Grant is given out to selected individuals around the world to help them actualise their dreams and also make the world a better place for all….”
How cool is that. Elated, Mr. Kidnapper wrote back:
“I am thrilled beyond words to receive news that all of our hard work has finally been recognized. Ours is undoubtedly one of the world’s most storied professions and yet, for all of its rich history, the business of kidnapping is not without its challenges. To be honest, there were times when we struggled, when we considered simply giving it all up in favor of more traditional pursuits such as armed robbery, carjacking, and online fraud, but, instead, we remained committed and, in the end, persevered.
This much-deserved award would not have been possible were it not for those who planned, ambushed, pistol-whipped, and showed immeasurable patience in striving to be the best possible kidnappers they could be. And so, I would like to take this opportunity to thank individuals like Jimmy Jones (aka Johnny James, aka Jacky Jakes, aka Lady Beatrice Rivera the third) who spent many a late night surfing the net, watching celebrity news, and browsing back-issues of Paris Match to find us the best possible targets; the Kato brothers who have always demonstrated unbridled enthusiasm in the fulfillment of their duties be it rolling a struggling socialite into her Persian rug or tossing a hysterical European ambassador out of a speeding car; Roderick “No Nose” Carpaccio whose skills as a getaway driver are surpassed only by his talent for tap; and the lovely Isadora – my co-conspirator and partner in love. Special mention should also be made of the late Ricky “Ears” Montezuma who once gave this young up-and-coming kidnapper his first break in a very competitive field. And, of course, the many, many, many victims who made it all possible.
We anxiously await our 500 000 pounds and commemorative plaque.
Sincerely,
Mr. Kidnapper”
Meanwhile, Baron Destructo found not one but two new emails sitting in his inbox this weekend. The first, was from a Mr. Aboud Diallo who contacted the Baron with regard to some exciting business proposal. Hmmm. On the surface, it certainly looked promising, but Baron Destructo has been remarkably wary of late. He wrote back:
“Dear Mr. Aboud Diallo (if that is your real name),
I hope you will excuse my reticence to take you at your word but recent actions on the part of my enemies has caused me to adopt a more cautious approach to the various business dealings that come my way. Specifically, I refer to the recent attempts by Captain Spectacular and his Confederacy of Justice to entrap me and my associates. It may, perhaps, be mere coincidence that your name, Mr. Aboud Diallo, is actually an anagram from Llama D. Boudoir, the not-so-secret identity of one Major Funksonic. Still, I would prefer to err on the side of caution and ask you to answer a few questions to confirm your identity.
1. Are you or are your present employers possessed of any superhuman abilities (as a result of anything from genetic manipulation to magically-imbued cod-pieces)?
2. Are you or have you ever worked for any of the following law enforcement agencies: Interpol, the F.B.I, the C.I.A., L.A.W., T.R.E.W.T.H., S.P.H.I.N.C.T.E.R.?
3. Could you provide a witness (non-family member) willing to attest to your true identity. If so, would he/she be willing to provide a written deposition to that effect? If not, would they be willing to take part in a one act three-player improv entitled “That’s My Mr. Aboud Diallo”?
Once I have received your responses to the preceding questions, I will be happy to join you in moving forward on your proposal.
Sincerely,
Baron Destructo
Cc: Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.”
The other email was from a Mariam Aslam who asked for the Baron’s help in moving $18.5 million dollars out of a bank account Abidjan so that she could meet Baron Destructo and continue her education. Well, what an opportunity! The Baron responded:
“If you are seeking to further your education, then your timing is impeccable because we at the League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil are in process of auditioning for The Next Great Supervillain! We are seeking someone who is motivated and maniacal, yet brilliant and just a tad loopy to join our society of Monsters, Megalomaniacs, and Mercenaries. Think Pussycat Dolls Presents: Search for the Next Doll, but slightly more evil and somewhat less slutty. If you think this is for you, then please send us an email with the following information:
Your real name (ie. Mariam Aslam)
Your super villain name: (ie.Countess Badonkadonk)
Your special powers: (ie. hypnotism, gravity control, the uncanny ability to predict which of the new Fall shows will be cancelled first).
Costume description: (ie. purple spandex with yellow light bulb symbol on chest, black boots and gloves, black cape with fuschia trim, green goggles and winged silver helmet.)
A brief overview of your life-goals: (ie. revenge against all those who wronged you in the past, world domination, infamy).
We at the League of Aliens for Mutants for Evil are a progressive organization dedicated to encouraging an inclusive environment for all evildoers regardless of race, gender, religion, planet of origin, sexual preference, or sanity. So come on out and give us a try. The only thing you have to lose is your life.
Looking forward to judging you harshly,
Baron Destructo
Cc: Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.”
To those of you asking – yes, Jason did cut his hair. The dreads were becoming a bit of a pain and he asked us if he could go ahead and lose them. Paul and I wanted to accommodate him but were a little concerned given that the first episode of season 5 will pretty much pick up events as we leave them in the final episode of season 4, and we figured the fans might notice the not-so-subtle change in hairstyle. Well, after getting on the phone with Jason’s hair expert (no kidding), we arrived at a solution. Jason could lose the dreads provided he held on to them. A couple of weeks prior to the start of principal photography for season five, they would be reattached in a procedure that would take approximately four hours, and he would have them back for premiere. Thus, Jason is happy and continuity is maintained. As for the ultimate fate of those dreads – that, among many other things, is up for discussion this week.
Finally, to those of you who are including email addresses in your comments (as a rule, I do not make these public so if you want your comment to be made public, don’t include an email address), or sending me “Please do not approve” comments, I’m happy to keep them private and I do read them, but if you’re expecting a personal response, you might have to wait a while as I’ll have my hands with season five story ideas for the foreseeable future.
BTW – The winners of the next Joe’s BOTM will be announced tomorrow. The polls close at midnight tonight but it looks like it’s going to be The Gunslinger and The White Plague.
Today’s pics: Hey, lookit! We actually made dinner last night!
Today’s video: Nada.
Today’s mailbag:
Anonymous #1 writes: “Zabadoo writes: 2.)Will any other major characters (Sheppard, Ronan, Teyla, McKay, Zelenka, Keller, Carter) bite the dust this season?”
Answers: 2)
You left the answer to this question blank. Was that deliberate or was it just a typo?”
Answer:
Pam writes: “I always thought I was the only one who didn’t know what to do with those cream colours. And what about black and white items?”
Answer: To make complicated matters even more complicated, by wife informed me today that she puts the creams with the “light colors”. So, apparently now I have to separate the colors into two piles. I give up!
Elizabeth writes: “1) Will you try to have Jack in season five? 2) Can you have another one of the episode dissections for Trio? Pretty please? 3) Does Sam meet the Wraith from Common Ground in The Seer?”
Answers: 1) We start discussing season five tomorrow. 2) I didn’t write Trio so I will not be offering up an in-depth discussion of the script. 3) Tune in and find out.
Jenny Robin writes: “Hi, Jenny Robin. I’m so _________ that you had a fantastic vacation! Did you get ______________ in Florida? I really enjoyed the time you posted ___________ on my blog. I had no idea you were such a __________. I wish I could be ________ like you in that regard. I really appreciate how _________ and ________ you are, no matter what _______ ________ says. Thanks for ___________!
Your _____ pal,
Joe”
Answers: The words are in no particular order – “marksman”, “nothing”, “inebriated”, “furious”, “quizzical”, “fire-retardant”, “mugged”, “y’know”, “everyone”, “else”.
Inpa writes: “Did you guys originally have a plan to revisit Ford at some point which was just shelved as the direction of the show changed or was there no real plan to?”
Answer: We had no specific story idea in mind but elected to keep the door open.
Anonymous #2 writes: “Why did both Sheppard and Larrin trust the wraith to walk back unaccompanied to his ship?”
Answer: 1. Sheppard made a deal with the wraith and he is a man of his word. 2. A simple check of the life signs detector would have told them if the wraith had left the ship or not.
Anonymous #3 writes: “So the episode was short? If so, can you tell me what scenes you added to fill the time?”
Answer: I don’t believe it was short either. I believe it was juuuuuust right.
Jenny writes: “Just curious, what does JF think about playing Kirk…and always having it go so horribly wrong? “
Answer: Travelers was one of Joe’s favorite episodes of season four.
Anonymous #4 writes: “Picture this situation: Elizabeth Weir and Koyla are alone on Atantis battling it out for ownership of the city. Would Elizabeth have done the kiss to get the gun trick?”
Answer: No but of course there’s the fact that she’s a completely different character…