A big thank you to all of the well-wishers and concerned fans who responded to my last blog entry with words of support and great personal anecdotes. To be perfectly honest, yesterday was really no better or worse than any other day but thanks for the words of support nevertheless. In retrospect, they have made me a better person. And inspired the following scam email responses.
To one of the many scammers who sent a winning notification to my melvinskidnappers account:
“Automated Out of Office Reply:
The kidnappers you seek will be out of the office from August 27th to September 14th. In the meantime, please feel free to make use of our automated response system. The heading of your email –
Congratulations… Lucky__Winner
– indicates you are inquiring about the following kidnap victim:
Melvin Quibble
In his heyday, retired ad man Melvin Quibble was responsible for such memorable commercials as Suckeo Vacuum’s Harriet the Henpecking Housewife, Sugar-Frosted Sugar Cubes Cereal, and the Only Sissy Kids Don’t Eat Pork campaign. He was a resident of Florida’s Heaven’s Waiting Room Retirement Community, where he lived with his Margaret of 40 years, before his sudden disappearance twelve years ago.
Date of kidnapping: November 8, 1994.
Ransom demanded: Negotiable.
Status: Accidentally abducted in a case of mistaken identity, Melvin Quibble elected to remain with his kidnappers rather than be returned to his wife Margaret. Although his cooking and bookkeeping skills have proven invaluable over the years, his increasingly tangential musings have given us pause of late. A very pleasant fellow who makes a wonderful Chicken Kiev, but it’s time for the old timer to go.
If this is the correct kidnap victim, please leave us a detailed message including your name, your counter-offer (if applicable), and an email or phone number where you can be reached.
Thank you,
The Kidnappers J”
Also, received an email out of the blue from David Kojo (do a search on my blog and that should get you up to speed on my correspondence with this guy). Essentially, he’s trying to convince me to send him my personal information to collect some mystery winnings while I, Merton Castrati, seem to have him confused with an idiot I went to high school with. In his last email, Kojo apologizes for not getting back to me sooner:
“Sir, Why I have not contacted you is because, I was told that the package have been confisticated by the British Government, since then I have been doing all I can to make sure that I claim the fund in the package…”
Ah, Kojo, Kojo, Kojo. You poor inept yet lovable idiot. I wrote back:
““Hey Kojo,
Back in high school, you could barely spell your last name so I’m not all that surprised you’re having trouble using the postal service. After all, to master the fine art of mailing, you need an I.Q. somewhere between Spanish onion and pony. Seriously. Who ties your shoelaces in the morning?
Sincerely,
Merton Castrati”
Poor Lulu. She’s developed something called “cherry eye”, a condition common in puppies of certain breeds in which their third eyelid prolapses. Despite the alarming-looking red swelling beneath her right eye, she is in exceptionally good spirits. Still, this has to be treated and so, tomorrow, we’re off to Bellingham for the eye surgery.
Today’s blog dedications got out to mon ami Martin, David, and Pauline‘s son.
Pics: On the set of Trio.
Video: Click on today’s pic for a video of Amanda questioning my ability to read and film behind-the-scenes footage at the same time.
Mailbag –
Nathan writes: “With all the dogs on set, I’d be happy to be a dog minder during the day.”
Answer: Believe it or not, we have already employed a guy called Nathan to mind the dogs.
ZoniDuck writes: “I wouldn’t hold your breath waiting for A Dance With Dragons, Joe. GRRM is still working on it…”
Answer: Well, if you happen to swing by his blog, could you tell him to pick up the pace. I’ve already started A Feast For Crows.
Smiley_Face06 writes: “The first Sunday of the NFL season is over. My Cowboys played an exciting game and didn’t disappoint in the end. Hooray! 🙂 Did you catch any games today?”
Answer: I had Carl over for the (not-so-big) LSU-Virginia Tech match-up Saturday night. The game turned out to be a bust, but we ended up having a grand time watching South Florida upset Auburn. Then, on Sunday, I watched as much football as humanly possible – flipping back and forth between every game (I subscribe to an NFL package). Boy, those Detroit Lions look strong! Hahaha! Just kidding. My Raiders were terrible. It looks like another long year for the silver and black.
Elizabeth writes: “Are there going to be any Jack and Sam moments in either Atlantis season four or the movies, Ark of Truth or Continuum?”
Answer: Jack will not be making an appearance in season four of Atlantis.
Anonymous #1 writes: “I want to thank you for introducing John Scalzi’s Old Man’s War to beginners (like me). It’s my 1st SF book and I absolutely loved it. I’d pay to watch the movie if one is made. What would you recommend after that?”
Answer: Check out Iain M. Banks’s The Player of Games.
Allison writes: “When the first episode shows, what are you going to be doing? A big cast get-together or something a little more family like?”
Answer: Chances are pretty good I’ll be at some restaurant having dinner.
Anonymous #2 writes: “has cookie monster receive any mail lately? Me Miss cookie monster, cookie monster one funny mofo, Cookie monster de bomb!”
Cookie Monster answers: Cookie Monster no hear from James Williams in long time. Maybe he mad or dead or incommodo.
Yasmin writes: “P-diddy and I are planning on attending the con next year, and thought to make it into an anniversary trip. We’d like to go skiing, and I wonder if you know of some good areas?”
Answer: Whistler, B.C. is the place to go.
Scarym writes: “Have you read anything by Guy Gavriel Kay?”
Answer: I haven’t. I’m not familiar with his work but when it comes to fantasy, for this reader, the less magic the better.
Ben writes: “Seven days of shooting, does that mean you shoot even on the weekends?”
Answer: No.
Anonymous #3 writes: “Is there going to be any episode this year like Disclosure, where the team look back on what have happend in the seasons before?”
Answer: You mean a clip show? Not this season.
Anonymous #4 writes: “Will we get any evil or whumped Carter in Atlantis this season?”
Answer: Whumped Carter? Oh, yes.
Elizabeth writes: “1) Did you mean three pregnancies in Stargate Atlantis season four? If so,who?”
Answer: Rachel, David’s wife, and, of course, Jason became a proud papa this season.
Yasmin writes: “Also, you’ve not been posting any food pictures – not like you’ve been busy or anything, right?”
Answer: Fondy and I went to a terrific restaurant with Jewel and Matt last night. I’ll try to have a write up and pics for you tomorrow.
Chokoloaj writes: “ Are there any resources you can point me to regarding information on Chocolate shops and such in Vancouver? Are you aware of a premium (dark preferably) chocolate bar made with whole cocoa beans?”
Answers: I’m your best resource. Fire away. Re: the chocolate bar. Not with whole cococa beans but Michel Cluizel does a great dark chocolate bar with cocoa nibs (noir au grue de cacao).
Nathan writes: “ So. Whatever happened to Ben Browder? I know this post wont make it to the published list, unless you want to edit that name out..”
Answer: No need to edit the name out as I’ll field the comment to make a point. Ben is presently working on a project for SciFi, a mini-series which he wrote. In my time working with him on SG-1, he was nothing if not professional, easy-going, and incredibly amiable. He would hang around the set, even after he’d wrapped, to see how the ensuing scenes played out or stick around for his off-camera dialogue. In this business, it’s really hard to figure out who is genuine and who isn’t. Well, the easiest way to find out is to go to the source. Forget the actors and the producers and the directors. Ask the crew who work on the show day in and day out. They’ll tell you who the genuinely nice guys and gals are. And I can guarantee you that our crew will tell you Ben Browder was definitely one.
Anonymous #3 writes: “Your entry today makes me wonder, has any actor not been considered for a role because of his/her personality or known/reputed inability to get along with others?”
Answer: Oh yeah. We have a term for it: “LTS” – life’s too short. Why waste your time on someone who is going to make everyone miserable if you don’t have to?
Anonymous #4 writes: “Please I tell me this Champagne scene was not the one in “Aurora”.”
Answer: Put your mind at ease. It wasn’t the one in Aurora.
Anonymous #5 writes: “But having said that I loved “City of Pearl” YOu’re not a Jane Austen Fan are you?”
Answer: Loved City of Pearl AND Jane Austen.
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