Scheduling snafus abound as the season draws to a close between this issue and that issue and pulling up and pushing back. We all sat in John Smith’s office this afternoon (John Smith, John Lenic, Paul, Carl, Alan, Martin Wood, Andy Mikita, and myself) and went over the seemingly endless scenarios – shifting, switching, scrambling – until we finally arrived at a tenuous house-of-cards solution that could very well fall apart anytime between now and the last day of shooting. I’m exhausted. The weekend couldn’t have rolled in on a better day (Fridays have always worked best for me).
An email response to the email query from the ailing Isa Salmon, hard done by her greedy family, looking to bequeath $18 million dollars to someone willing to make the world a better place. And who better than Baron Destructo. The Baron wrote back:
“Dearest Wretch,
I share your mistrust of humanity and hope that, through our shared efforts, there may come a day when their pestilent existence will come to a brutal and irrevocable end. On that day, their tormented shrieks will serve as the elegant overture to our operatic conquest of this backwards world and then you shall have your revenge for billions will die cursing the name of Isa Salmon. Hopefully, despite your present suffering, this prospect of murder and mayhem on a mass planet-wide scale will serve to brighten your dark days. Failing that, might I suggest your check out the first season of the Dave Chapelle Show. He is a very funny guy. Funny, yet doomed – like the rest of humankind!
As I informed the previous individual who contacted me via email with a similar opportunity, the League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil does not make use of vile Earthly institutions such as banks and wire services. Instead, we prefer the personal touch of a hands-on exchange and massacre. Given your present condition, I doubt a visit to our moonbase would be possible. However, if you could provide your address, I can make arrangements for one of my associates to visit you, complete our transaction, and extinguish your pitiful life.
Get back to me at your earliest convenience.
Thank you for keeping the dream alive,
Sincerely,
Baron Destructo
Cc: Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.”
Also, my Melvin kidnappers@yahoo.com account has received an impressive amount of scam mail. Alas, the kidnappers are on vacation, but their automated out of office reply system was hard at work fielding queries:
“Automated Out of Office Reply:
The kidnappers you seek will be out of the office from August 27th to September 14th. In the meantime, please feel free to make use of our automated response system. The heading of your email –
SOLICIT YOUR CONFIDENCEþ
– indicates you are inquiring about the following kidnap victim:
Count Ludovico Amaretto
A native of Naples, Italy, Count Ludovico Amaretto is heir to the vast Amaretto Packing Peanut Empire. In addition to being an accomplished badminton player (ranked #215 in Men’s Single), the Count is a master of the longbow and a student of both the French horn and tambourine. His main residence is the Castle Amaretto on Lake Como which he has occupied since 1983 along with his eccentric supercentenarian aunt Rosa, his halfwit cousin Nunzio, and his faithful Alsatian wolfhound Einhandsegeln.
Date of kidnapping: March 15, 2006.
Ransom demanded: $12 million euros.
Status: Unfortunately, Count Amaretto’s remaining relatives are either too senile, mad, or slow-witted to effectively negotiate his release. Our last contact with them was on January 17, 2007 when we offered to lower the ransom demand from $15 million euros to $12. Family members requested time to consider the proposal before getting back to us. They have not been heard from since. It is assumed they simply forgot. Subsequent attempts to reach them to continue negotiations have proven fruitless as the woman answering the estate phone only speaks Italian, a language we do not understand.
If this is the correct kidnap victim, please leave us a detailed message including your name, your counter-offer (if applicable), and an email or phone number where you can be reached.
Thank you,
The Kidnappers :)”
Today’s extra special blog dedication goes out to Jill whose home suffered some recent tornado damage, and glennh73 whose home suffered some recent jerk-crook damage. Hope that in both cases, home and family are doing better.
No mailbag today but plenty o’ pics: lotsa o‘ Lulu settling in.
Today’s video: Oodles of fun on set. Click on the date for a video of David, Amanda, and Jewel yukking it up.
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