Hey, check out the new video addition to this blog featuring extra special guest star…that Dallas Cowboys fan. No, no, no. Not Robert Cooper. The OTHER Dallas Cowboys fan.
So I was contacted by one of those email scammers with news that I had been chosen at random to receive the princely sum of $950 000. I wrote back as one of my numerous aliases – in this case, Baron Destructo, head of the League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil bent on global domination – little imagining I’d receive a response. Well, I received plenty. In fact, over the past few days, Baron Destructo has received a number of emails from one Martin Holme, ever eager to secure the Baron‘s personal information or, at the very least, $200 cash. Alas, Baron Destructo doesn‘t deal in cash and instead offered to loan Mr. Holme his choice of one of five super items: fire gauntlets, rocket boots, a chameleon cloak, a helm of fortitude, or tickets to see Neil Sedaka at the Mirage. Well, this morning, I found the following sitting in my inbox:
“ATTN: Baron Destructo,
This is to acknowledged the receipt of your email regarding your Payment . We prefair option two the five options that you have been given to us wich says
Rocket Boots: Fly around the city! Buzz news choppers! Catch the big game from the best seat in the house AND then beat traffic home! A great way to check out the exosphere (note: if you do, dress warmly).
I wait for your urgent response as soon as you receive this email.”
Hmmm. Baron Destructo wrote back:
“Dearest Human Rubbish,
An excellent choice! The rocket boots will serve you well for the last two weeks of your worthless existence!
With regard to the delivery of said rocket boots, please choose from the following options:
1. If you happen to find yourself in the lunar area, feel free to drop by our Fortress of Depravity moonbase. Be sure to call ahead so that we can arrange for you to join one of the daily tours which will include: a guided walkthrough of the facilities, a ride in a shadow scram jet, a complimentary drink ticket and photo op with a super villain of your choice (subject to availability), and access to our gift shop where you may purchase exclusive League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil merchandise including t-shirts, posters, and commemorative plates.
2. If you do not foresee yourself in the area any time in the near future, might I suggest we meet at any of our following Earthen sanctums:
A. Disneyland – Anaheim, California. Our subterranean lair is conveniently located beneath the Chip ‘n Dale Treehouse attraction. Ask Goofy for details.
B. High Point, North Carolina at the site of the world’s largest chest of drawers. Our headquarters are situated in the second drawer from the top, directly above the one with the gigantic dangling socks.
C. Shibuya Love Hotel – Tokyo, Japan. Come find us in the Pantieless Pirate theme room.
D. The Bramah Tea and Coffee Museum in London, England. Visit the tea room and ask to see Death Knell.
E. Restaurant La Vieille Chausettte – Paris, France. Dine or die in style at this 5 star eatery. Sample Cordon Bleu-trained Master Chef Brutus Badly’s famed foie gras-stuffed squab, profiteroles au chocolat, and electric death whip.
Let me know which works best for you.
Thank you for keeping the dream alive.
Cc: Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.”
Well, as it turns out, Martin Holme is a very industrious fellow. Besides trying to land himself a pair of rocket boots, he is also trying to finagle some cash from one of my other aliases. My Margaret Quibble yahoo account received a follow-up to her sad tale of domestic apathy, bingo gone awry, and a kidnapping:
“This is to acknowledged the receipt of your email regarding your Payment . We have just received your prize payment File a while ago from the lottery committe.Before i go on i will like to clarify you on this exersice…”
A thrilled Ms. Quibble wrote back:
“Dear Mr. Holme,
This money couldn’t have come at a better time. The ransom payment my husband’s kidnappers requested amounts to exactly $950 000 and, while I’m in no hurry to see Melvin back home, I am interested in questioning him about some Costa Rican beachfront property I discovered in his secretary’s name.
If you could, would you be so kind as to deal with the kidnappers directly. Please direct any further correspondence to:
Mr. Kidnapper at email@example.com
Today’s pics: None today. Don’t be so greedy.
Today’s mailbag –
Anonymous #1 writes: “You mentioned a huge ending for season 4 which will be a good pick up for season five but if there is no season five will you just leave the fans hanging?”
Answer: I’m not in a position to make any promises, but I’m fairly certain that we’ll find a way to answer most of those unanswered questions.
Zabadoo writes: “1.)Will there be any more Batman references this season? 2.)How long is Teal’c in Reunion? What about Midway? 3.)Who is the least developed character in the fourth season?”
Answers: 1) Yes. 2) He’ll make a cameo in Reunion and put in a full appearance in Midway. 3) Chuck.
Chevron 7 writes: “Did he get rid of the pony tail?”
Answer: Yup and Carl was soooo disappointed.
Sanura writes: “Was the Sedge in “The Real World” Torri’s dog?”
Dsbeerf writes: “Thanks for not mentioning to Jason what I said about him wearing glasses in the picture you snapped. I am glad I did not have to spend long months in the hospital.”
Answer: Not yet anyway. Jason has been kind of busy but he’s sworn a blood oath to get you. Just saying.
Vikitty writes: “Will you be going to Nibbles & Bites in Richmond in September?”
Answer: Maybe. What is it?
Atlantis babe34 writes: “Hey Joe, Im going to Hong Kong at the end of the year. Got any Nice resturants?”
Answer: Kowloon: The Peninsula Hotel’s restaurants (Felix and Gaddi’s) delivers terrific high-end fare. Spring Moon, also in the Peninsula, is a great place for dim sum. Spoon, an Alain Ducasse restaurant located at the InterContinental, is also wonderfully creative. Finally, the Aqua Restaurant Group (http://www.aqua.com.hk/) offers up superior food in a stylish setting with gorgeous views of Hong Kong Harbour. I highly recommend both Aqua and Hutong. If you do Hutong, order the deboned lamb ribs and, if you’re feeling brave, the soft shell crab with red chilis. Hong Kong Island: The Island Shangri-La offers an unbelievable morning buffet and direct access to Pacific Place, a great shopping and entertainment complex where you’ll find, among many other things, two great casual restaurants: Ye Shanghai and Basil. A couple of other restaurants I’ve heard very good things about include: Opia (1-5 Irving St, Jia Hotel), Man Wah (5 Connaught Rd, Mandarin Oriental Hotel)and Yunk Kee which is famous for its roast goose (32 Wellington Street, Central).
Linzi writes: “Will we learn about Sheppard’s parents? That is to say, will we find out if they’re dead or alive?”
Answer: We will.
Namiko writes: “ Where do you think the Raiders will go this season?”
Answer: Sadly – probably nowhere.
Vern writes: “It’s my birthday on the 27th and I want the blog dedicated to me.”
Answer: Happy Birthday. Today’s blog entry is dedicated to you and Cheeky. And the League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil.
Susan the Tartan Turtle writes: “ Are any of the Pugs related other than by adoption?”