Well, I spent last night catching up on my correspondence with email scammers.
First off, a panicked response from Shalom Global Security to my letter of outrage. They insist there has been some sort of misunderstanding, the 1.2 million is still awaiting me, and I should call them at the number provided. I wrote back:
“To Whom It May Concern,
After receiving instructions to contact your offices to arrange payment of a $95 service fee, I phoned and was informed that the 1.2 million dollars promised me in a recent email had been misplaced. Instead of the cash, I was gifted an incomplete set of outdated foreign encyclopedias. I voiced my displeasure in an email sent to your office yesterday and received a response suggesting I contact you immediately. Well, I phoned the number provided and , after explaining my situation to the receptionist, I was placed on hold for exactly fourteen minutes and thirty-seven seconds before being transferred to a Daria Pizzeria that, through a series of frustrating misunderstandings too complicated to go into, charged my credit card for two orders of zany bread and a foot long pizza sub I never received. This all comes at a very difficult time for me as I spent the previous night in the emergency ward with my father who was the victim of a cruel practical joke when someone at his senior’s residence placed a meerkat in his trousers. The police are of course investigating the incident but the fact that my father left his pants unattended during the church service makes their job all the more difficult.
Regardless, I would like to have this matter of my $1.2 million dollars and your $95 dollars settled before my birding association leaves for its South American excursion later this week. I am greatly looking forward to it as this year’s expedition, being led by none other than Lord Hembley Limpdoole (of the Canterbury Limpdoodles), hopes to sight a Spitoon-Necked Pochard, a Scramble-Eyed Coot, a Prickle-Woodied Finch,
and the rare Squim-Felching Egret that, as you no doubt know, is the only carnivorous Ciconiiforme to not only steal a fellow bird’s nest but sub-let it during the high season.
Please get back to me so that this matter can be immediately resolved.
Furiously yours,
Helena Krumpett-Fullbottom”
The second email was from Mrs. Adline Haack who was contacting me with good news: I’d won some obscure European lottery! Thrilled, I wrote back:
“OH. MY. GOD! I can’t believe this. I’ve never won anything in my life. Aside from that time I won at bingo but then when they checked my card they told me 35 hadn’t been called and I had to sit back down and wait for 35 which never came up because they called 17 instead and Beatrice Shankapple ended up taking home the grand prize rainbow foulard which I subsequently stole from her three weeks later during our book club meeting to discuss Yes I Can: The Sammy Davis Jr. Story. Payback’s a bitch, bitch! Anyway, this is the best thing to happen to me since my husband was kidnapped. Can you believe it’s already been twelve years? I still hear from the kidnappers now and again, nuisance phone calls or letters along the lines of “We still have him!” and “Pay up or else!” that have thankfully petered of late which is a good thing because if they’d kept at it, I just may have ignored their initial warnings and called the police. Of course there’s really no point in pursuing the matter now as I’ve already thrown out most of Melvin’s old clothes and turned his workshop into a walk-in closet. Incidentally, do you know anyone who might be interested in purchasing a slightly used belt sander and three pairs of brown, size 14 penny loafers? Let me know.
On to the more important task at hand – getting me my money. No offense, but with the proliferation of email scams, I’m a little uncertain on how to proceed. Not that I don’t trust you but a woman from my Parcheesi Society replied to a similar email and, two weeks later, discovered that she’d been made the legal guardian of a 57 year old Salvadoran fellow named Agapito who subsequently moved into her basement. When she contacted the authorities to make a formal complaint, he countered by contacting Child Services who paid the house a visit and, after interviewing Agapito, charged Ruthie with child endangerment and had her evicted. Now she lives in a cardboard box outside the local Chili’s. This isn’t to say I suspect you of any impropriety, but I just want to be sure these are the legitimate winnings from an obcure European lottery I don’t remember entering.
Looking forward to hearing from you soon,
Margaret Quibble”
I also received an email from a Mr. Evergreen LaPlant who tells me he is a 36 year old artist living in England “with my two kids, one dog and the love of my life”. Alas, all is not hunky dory for Evergreen who has been receiving US money orders, cheques, and VISA card payments for his wonderful artwork (done in either pencil or airbrush mixed with color pencils […] and creating artwork on the computer) but is having trouble cashing the aforementioned in England. Would I be interested in helping him facilitate these transactions? Would I!
“Holy Macaroni! Do we have a lot in common! I’m an artist as well although, unlike you and your work with pencils, airbrush, and computer design, I dabble in oils (linseed and canola mostly) and the varied sensory potential of salad dressing. When I fashion a sculpture out of congealed Thousand Island or festoon a canvas with the pyrotechnic fusion of a Caesar, Ranch, and Creamy Italian, I invite my audience to engage his/her senses in an optical, olfactory, flavorful and textural experience that, like beauty itself, attracts, amuses, confuses, and offends in its progression from sublime perfection to the nauseating spoiled mayonnaise-scented rubbish my building’s strata council sent me a warning letter about the other day. I follow in the footsteps of the many unappreciated artists of their time – Amedeo Modigliani, Vincent Van Gogh, Tom Arnold – men who suffered at the hands of an ignorant and uncaring public. Who are they to ignore the inventive brilliance of a Still Life with Absinthe or a McHale’s Navy? Who are they to tell me that they won’t pay fifty cents a piece for my Blue Cheese face sculpts of the entire cast of Eight is Enough because they “stink on so many levels”?
Well, I’m sure you can empathize. As I can empathize with you and your inability to cash in on your peripheral dibble-dabbling. We are both trying to make ends meet. You, for your “two kids, one dog, and the love of” your life. Me for my five illegitimate children, three guppies, two crazy uncle Rufus’s, and the love of my life = an incontinent platypus named Swanson.
So, please, tell me how I can help.
Sincerely,
Fortescu Strickland Van Letterdam Junior”
Finally, yet another email from James Williams asking me to send him my personal information and, oh yeah, $480. I let Cookie Monster handle this one –
“Okay, Cookie Monster very confused. Go to James Williams house (Grover find by running back-search on IP address from email) and knock on door but nobody answer. Yell “Yoohoo! Is me! Cookie Monster!” But still nobody answer. Me tink maybe you not home and getting ready to scratch message on door when helpful man come by and say was friend of James Williams. Say he deliver cash to James Williams so I give him $480 dollars plus Elmo who need to pee. Cookie Monster wait but not get Elmo or receipt back. Elmo not big deal but Cookie Monster need receipt for tax purposes.
Sincerely,
Cookie Monster
P.S. Since hear rumor Elmo mining diamonds in Sierra Leone. So lucky. Me want to go somewhere hot for vacation too.”
Mailbag –
Yet Another Flanigan Fan writes: “Is “Outcast” the Sheppard backstory episode proposed by Joe Flanigan and written by Alan McCullough?”
Answer: Yep.
Yet Another Flannigan Fan also writes: “Have you read Robert Silverberg’s novella “Sailing to Byzantium”?”
Answer:Yep again. Great but would require an enormous budget to pull off on the big screen.
Bugguy writes: “ Any chance of getting a rhyme like the season 2-3 version for season 4?”
Answer: My December 31, 2006 rhyme was mostly about season four.
Teyilia writes: “So….McKay’s the father of Teyla’s baby?… or am I reading that wrong??”
Answer: Yeah, you’re reading it wrong.
PG15 writes: “Is “Finale” the actual name of the Season finale?”
Answer: Nope.
Anonymous #1 writes: “ Uwe Boll has just recently been announced as a guest for the convention, and I was wondering what you felt about his famouse, or rather infamous films.”
Answer: Haven’t seen any of his movies.
Anonymous #2 writes: “I was wondering why the powers that be will not let you release a bloopers reel on the DVDs?”
Answer: We will be releasing a blooper reel with the season four DVD.
Jennifer writes: “Do you like coffee and if so what kind? Also tomorrow is my birthday. Can I get the blog dedicated to me?”
Answer: Don’t drink coffee. Consider this blog entry dedicated to you.
Ruffles writes: “ How far into the writing process of an ep do you begin casting?
Answer: We cast an episode during prep week, a week before it shoots.
Katie writes: “Have Lulu’s ears been docked, or do they just naturally sit up like that?”
Answer: They’re all natural.
Atlantisfannew1 a ecrit: “Toute les scénes de stargate Atlantis ont été tournée sur le térritoire Canadian?(ormi le tournage en antarctique) – Dans la saison 4, on reverra des peuples vue dans les saisons précédente? – Il vous reste combient d épisode a tournée pour la saison 4?”
Reponses: Oui, oui, cinq.
Linzi writes: “I was wondering, is the season finale linked to Kindred I and II in any way?”
Answer: Yep.
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