It’s time to reconsider the NFL’s most controversial team names with a mind to building a more benign league, and a more banal and inoffensive future for our children.

Listed are some of the most polarizing and insensitive team names along with suggestions for non-triggering alternatives.

The Buffalo Bills

Whether it be electric, water or gas, nobody likes to be reminded of their delinquent payments, especially while watching a football game. So instead of bills, how about switching to something everyone enjoys receiving in the mail.

Suggested name change: The Buffalo Refunds

The New York Jets

Gone are the days when the word “jet” would bring to mind noble images of private planes flying celebrities and politicians to climate conferences. Instead, today, the word is associated with bombings, CO2 emissions, and emergency landings on golf courses. Let’s flip the script and get behind the green initiative by taking a page out of the Cleveland Browns’ uninspired handbook.

Suggested name change: The New York Greens.

The Miami Dolphins

On the surface, dolphins may seem innocuous enough – until you learn that they were actually trained by the US military in the 1960’s to run reconnaissance operations on innocent communist yachters. So instead of honoring warmongering dolphins, why not commemorate the peaceful unsung heroes of the sea?

Suggested name change: The Miami Barnacles

The New England Patriots

Today, the word “patriots” brings to mind right-wing extremism and such unpalatable nationalistic symbols as the American flag, sexy women in jeans, and Captain America (although Marvel has, thankfully, taken steps to rectify this). Instead of inciting division and 4th of July fireworks, why not switch to a name that celebrates the fans who support these athletic spectacles.

Suggested name change: The New England Athletic Supporters.

(Next up: The insidious NFC EAST)

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Every time I do a pitch, there’s always that one exec who sits through it like he suspects my involvement in the unsolved murders of his grandparents.

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So what do you think?  Should we move on to Columbo season 9?