With the news that the Washington football team is changing its name, I thought that this would be an opportune time to weigh in with some suggestions. Suggestions that stand apart. Of course, you’ll have your standards (Tigers, Bulldogs, Wildcats) and your regional go-to’s (Senators, Presidents, Lobbyists and Swamp Things), but I’d like to recommend something a lot more original. Like a nickname that’s never been used before. Syrup Makers? Battling Bathers? Nimrods? Banana Slugs? Alas, all taken at some point.
No, in order to find the perfect name, a name that strikes fear in the hearts of the enemy while simultaneously ensuring you don’t infringe on the copyright of a Midwest community college, I have dug deep into the archives of mythological history to unearth the following five gems.
If Washington’s NFL team uses one, all I ask for in return is some half-smokes, a bottle of Mumbo sauce, and seasons tickets.
To the New Orleans Saints.
#5. The Washington Slepnir
Odin’s trusty eight-legged mount was known for its blazing speed and immense strength, transporting the All-Father between Midgard and Asgard, with the odd stop-overs in Hel – and the opposition’s end zone (?).
#4. The Washington Bonnacons
This formidable creature of yore has the body of a bull, a horse-like mane, and horns that curl in on each other. But what makes it so dangerous is its ability to expel highly flammable shit on its pursuers. Also, its fearsome blitz packages.
#3. The Washington Nav
These demonic creatures of Eastern Europe are black birds with the heads of children who fly around at night, crying, greatly disturbing people and disrupting shotgun formations.
#2. The Washington Kongamato
Hailing from the swamps of South-Central Arica is this pterodactyl-like creature that targets corpses, unwary swimmers, and corner blitzes.
#1. The Washington Bunyip
These creatures of Australian Aboriginal legend lurk beneath the surfaces of swamps and other small bodies of water, feeding on crayfish, opposing quarterbacks, and the odd child.
So, which one is it going to be? And don’t say Generals.