Monster not familiar wit Stargate series starring MacGyver and RuPaul so left somewhat confused by dis film dat be reminiscent of de old Crosby and Hope road movies – but wit more killing and androgyny.
Movie open in distant past where revival of de musical Hair get awaken while sleeping on a giant soundstage. Wind blow, lights flash and one guy get up and start walking toward de source of de fooferah…
Suddenly, we in 1928 Egypt. At site of big dig, archeologist’s daughter help herself (aka “steal”) a locket while her dad oversee discovery of a giant ring. Let’s call it a stargate for now.
Suddenly, we in present day where archeologist’s daughter has blossomed into an old lady. Monster know it be de archeologist’s daughter because she still wearing de pendant she borrowed (aka “stole”) from de dig site. She peek in on speech given by kooky archeologist Dr. Daniel Jackson. Speech not go over well and before you know it, room clear out faster den karaoke night when it Grover’s turn to sing.
Dr. Jackson offered a job translating ancient scribble-scrabble discovered at dat 1928 dig site. He get to work at top secret Air Force base and, in no time, realizes scribble scrabble not language but constellations! It aktually be an address. But to where?!
Well, it turn out government have a stargate (dat giant ring dey find in de desert) and it a gateway to de other end of de known universe. All dey have to do is input symbols and it spin like a rotary phone. Daniel identify a symbol dat everyone assume be de final piece of de dialing sekwence. Dey start dialing. When dey get to six, Daniel told “Dis be as far as we have gotten.” Really? Why? Dere be a limited number of symbols on dat gate. If you already got to six, what stop dem from running thru all remaining symbols? Ah, mebbe t.v. series answer dis qwestion.
Scientists succeed in getting lock and creating shimmering grey puddle in gate dat resemble monster’s backyard pool after Snufflelupagus go for a dip. Amazing! What could like on de other side? New worlds? New civilizations? Breathable air?
Well, only one way to find out. Send someone thru. Or, not better yet, send a bunch of people thru! Inkluding Dr. Jackson who, like most meek nerds, be fighting off sneezy allergy. Allergy to what? Air Force uniforms?
Leading de expedition to de other side be Colonel Jack O’Neill, a suicidal soldier who broken up over loss of his son. How monster know dis? Because in scene where he be introduced, he sitting in room, surrounded by pictures of his son, considering while he weigh his gun in his hand. But how monster know for sure? Because Air Force guys who visit him have conversation in deir car dat go someting like: “What de matter wit him?” “Oh, he all upset becuz his son be dead.” Subtle, no?
Jackson and soldiers step thru and go on crazy twist turny ride dat remind monster of last time he drop acid wit De Count. Dey arrive on other side desert planet where dey meet natives mining minerals. But for who?
Unfortunately, team not able to gate back. Jackson diskover address back to Earth but last symbol missing. And it impossible to dial witout final symbol. Unless, of course, you try every limited symbol on de stargate – but who have time for dat?
Alien pyramid ship land under cover of sandstorm and capture Jackson and co. Alien leader, who have taken over body of curious native we saw in opening scene, assume identity of sun god Ra. He force natives to worship him. And plan to get dem even more onside by forcing Dr. Jackson to kill O’Neill and de soldiers in front of big crowd. How, exaktly, dis terruble plan will help Ra in any way be never explained. Mebbe t.v. seris answer dis qwestion.
If nothing else, Ra’s bad judgement allow Jackson to turn tables on him and eskape wit soldiers and den, wit help of natives, mount attack on pyramid ship.
Jackson’s girlfriend get killed but, luckily, Ra have a revita-coffin on his ship dat make dead people alive again. Why? Becuz it cool? Mebbe. Daniel transport him and gal up to ship using weird ring technology while O’Neill fight one of Ra’s bodyguards down below.
Meanwhile, bomb dat O’Neill brought wit him be turned into SUPERbomb by Ra who intend to send it thru de stargate back to Earth. It countdown as –
On ship, Daniel bring his gal back to life, but get caught by Ra who proceed to torture him wit glowey hand device.
O’Neill kill Ra’s guard by knocking him onto platform and initiating ring technology dat decapitate him and send his head back up to ship –
COINCIDENTALLY saving Daniel and his gal who just HAPPEN to be lying on the ring platform up on de ship.
But it too late to turn off bomb. And ship start taking off. What to do? What to do?!
Suddenly, O’Neill and Jackson arrive at idea. Presumably dey heard audience screaming obvious solution to dem from five minutes earlier. Dey transport bomb up to Ra’s ship. It explode!
Celebration! Jackson get de girl! O’Neill not feeling so suicidal! Showtime green light t.v. series!
Verdikt: Interesting premise. Yep, dat premise pretty interesting.
Rating: 7 chocolate chippee cookies.