Spiderman 2 be most disappointing sekwel since Grover’s little brother, Mervin, born. Unlike first solid outing, dis foray into web-slinging adventure be peppered wit WTF (What de Fudgee-o) moments and cheesy dialogue.  First movie skirted line between serious and fun, but dis movie veer into stupid-silly territory, at times reminding monster of Richard Lester Superman.  Anyone who say Spiderman 2 is better movie dan original Spiderman need to have deir head examined (becuz monster will headbutt him/her first opportunity me get).

Movie open wit fun sekwence of Spiderman swinging across city to deliver pizzas – but capped off wit painfully extended sekwence of Peter trying to push falling brooms back into a closet.  Dis sadly foreshadow more nyuk-nyuks to come.

Peter late for delivery, get fired, and go back home where – Aunt May, MJ, and Harry surprise him.   It be his birthday.  But he forget.  Seriously.  Who forget deir own birthday?  Sadness continue for Peter when he go back to his apartment and he haranged by landlord for rent – while landlord’s daughter makes googly eyes at him wit her googly eyes.  Peter try to make it to MJ’s play but he too late after foiling robbery and misses show.

Dr. Octoplotz – Why his spine not snap under weight of his mechanical arms?

Meanwhile, scientist experimenting wit cold fuzion and mechanical arms have experiment go awry.  Everyting made of metal (except his mechanical arms and his wife’s earrings) sucked into magnetized field.  Wife killed and he injured.  Mechanical arms fused to his spine and, in great horrific operating scene, he kill surgeons trying to remove dem and go on rampage.

Spiderman try to stop him and Aunt May get caught in de middle, giving rise to another silly sekwence where Dr. Octoplotz use her as hostage and she respond by hitting him wit her umbrella.  Spiderman manage to save her even tho he mysteriously run out of web fluid.  What up wit dat?

MJ. Stand for Mean Jezebel.

Meanwhile, MJ admit she love Peter.  And she prove how much she love him by deciding to marry J. Jonah Jameson son (?).

But MJ least of Peter’s problems.  He also notice he having trouble wit his wall crawling ability.  He go see doctor who tell him it be mental, dat he have “a choice”. So much for subtle psychological portrait of our hero’s dilemma.  And, just in case, it not obvious enuf, we cut to heavenly conversation where Uncle Ben tell him dat IT BE MENTAL, DAT HE HAVE A CHOICE!

Peter decide he not want to be Spiderman anymore and trow his costume away in de trash.  Costume found by guy who, for some reazon, believe it belong to de real Spiderman who must have quit his job (last night, monster find six rolls of gauze, loose sparkles and bag of chicken feathers in dumpster so automatically assumed Lady Gaga retired).  Dis become headline news!  Spiderman Quit!

While all dis going on, Peter’s best friend Harry wanting revenge on Spiderman for killing his dad, Norman (Green Goblin).  He tell crazy Dr. Octopolotz dat his buddy Peter may know where Spiderman be.  As Dr. Octoplotz head off to track him down, Harry call out: “Don’t hurt Peter!”.  Nononono.  Of course not.  Why you tink dis crazed homocidal lunatik will hurt Peter just becuz you tell him he be key to finding Spiderman?

Back at Peter’s apartment, we treated to completely useless scene where landlord’s daughter treat him to milk and chocolate cake.  Seriously.  What dis have to do wit anyting?  Why landlord’s daughter even in dis movie?

Aunt May. A little light in de neurons.

Dis followed up by so-weird-it-almost-feel-like-a-dream-sekwence speech by Aunt May in which she go on and on and on (and on) about de importance of being a hero.  Why she telling Peter dis?  Well, only one of two possible reazons: a) She know he really Spiderman b) She going senile.

Later, Peter decide to check if his webshooting abilities back.  How he do dis?  By trying to spin a web?  No, of course not.  By trowing himself off de top of a building. Unfortunately for him, webshooters still not working and he almost killed in fall.  On one hand, he look like a complete idiot and almost die.  On de other hand, scene is good for a few nyuk-nyuks.

Peter steal back his costume and, again as Spiderman, cross paths with Dr. Octoplotz.  Spidey save runaway train before it can ride off trail track dat mysteriously end in insane drop over city (dis gag was funnier in Blues Brothers, mainly becuz dat movie WAS a comedy).  He collapse but, in super cheeserific maudlin scene, he borne aloft by passengers who stand up for him when Dr. Octoplotz come back.

Hold still. Dis may sting. Me hope.

He deliver Spiderman to Harry who unmask to reveal: his BFF Peter!  Peter convince Harry to tell him where Dr. Octoplotz hiding.

Doc kidnap MJ and bring her back to his waterfront lab.  Spiderman show up as Octoplotz create new experimental reactor.  Dey fight!  For reazons known only to film’s writer, Spiderman reveal his true identity to lunatik supervillain and ask him nicely for help.  Dat seem to work and Dr. Octoplotz save New York by dumping reactor in east river.  Easy as dat.

Peter reveal his sekret identity to MJ and tell her dat he love her but dey can never be together.  MJ wait until her wedding day before abandoning her husband-to-be at de altar and running away, smiling, in her wedding dress.  What a bitch.

Harry, meanwhile, diskover his dad’s sekret lab – and identity!  Dis skillfully set up Spiderman 3.

Or maybe not.

Verdikt: CG shots of Spiderman swinging thru city be almost Hulk level quality but other sekwences pretty good.  Villain, Dr. Octoplotz, be more visually spectakular, but he a far less interesting charakter dan Norman Osborne/Green Goblin.  Why he do what he do?  Just becuz he crazy?  What de point of landlord’s daughter charakter?  De chocolate cake scene?  Still, some great action sewkwences and J. Jonah Jameson be terrific in all his scenes.

Rating: 6 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies.

Today’s blog entry be dedikated to birthday boy, gforce.

18 thoughts on “September 17, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Spiderman 2!

  1. Happy birthday, gforce! Today is also my wedding anniversary, number 18.
    The whole family celebrated with thai food. Not exactly romantic, but very tasty!

  2. I have to admit Cookie, to not watching this movie this weekend, as I was away. I tried to catch it on Netflix or iTunes (for rent) so I could watch it this evening, but I couldn’t find it there, either! So, I’ll have to go by my memory for this one.

    Granted, my memory is apparently not that good, because I remember after seeing the movie rather enjoying it. But now that I read your review, and am reminded of some of the plots points, I’m kind of going, “oh yeah, that…” and I remember some of the odd plot points in the movie. I totally agree with Dr. Occy – what exactly was his problem?

    Oddly, I do remember the chocolate cake scene, but because I love chocolate cake and was probably mesmerized over said confection at the time, I think I kind of enjoyed that scene. (“Mmmmm… chocolate…”)

    The train track ending in mid-air I suppose is a standard movie convention that like many, make no sense in the harsh light of common sense. I guess we’ve just come to accept some of that stuff as part of movies, rightly or wrongly.

    I actually remember *at the time* thinking that I enjoyed this movie more than the first one. But in my memory now that I’m comparing them from a distance, time-wise.

    I still rather enjoyed it though, and your 6 cookie rating is definitely fair.

  3. Happy birthday, gforce.

    And speaking of: It be his birthday. But he forget. Seriously. Who forget deir own birthday? Very slowly raises hand and squeeks “me.” Honest and for true. It was my 16th, and I never realized it until my mother and sister yelled “happy birthday” at me. I actually had to stop and think about it before I realized that it was my birthday. Went most of the day completely oblivious. So, not so far fetched, just extremely unlikely.

  4. Grover has a little brother? How’d that happen? I told Big Bird to wear a condom… Umm, feel free to censor this joke if you want Joe.

    Happy anniversary Noellam and happy birthday Gforce. 🙂

  5. Love that comment – “A little light in the neurons”. Good one!

    Patricia

  6. Cookie monster, you are slipping. I can’t believe you gave it a high rating for the action sequences (yes JJJ was pretty awsome in his scenes). I think you need a cookie intervention.

  7. A lot of WTF moments in this movie.

    I remember thinking it was OK when I saw it at the cinema and I’ve seen it a few times since as I have the DVD. But upon this latest viewing, with an eye towards picking out stuff to comment on for Cookie’s review, I couldn’t help but see how crap this movie really is.

    I guess that’s some sort of achievement. It’s rare that I watch a movie and don’t notice the crappiness unless I’m specifically looking out for it.

    After watching the movie I switched to the commentary track and heard one of the producers (Avi Arad maybe?) say that after the huge success of the first movie they sat down and worked out everything that didn’t work in it so they could ensure they didn’t make those mistakes in the sequel. Obviously the piece of paper they wrote all the mistakes on accidentally got put into the “Great Ideas For Spiderman 2” file and ended up in the movie!

    The biggest WTF moment for me was having to put up with Peter’s roller-coaster of a life. Just when I was feeling sorry for Peter and empathising with the burden he must bear we get some stupid slapstick moment (the broom cupboard being the worst) that totally breaks the mood. How can we feel sorry for Peter if we’re also expected to laugh at him?

    It’s a shame because Sam Raimi really had a chance to darken the mood with this movie. We know he can do it. He did it with Darkman (OK, there was a bit of slapstick in there too. This is the man that gave us The Evil Dead afterall!) and it would have been great to see Spidey/Peter descend into depression.

    The other major WTF moment for me was the whole premise of Pete not wanting to endanger the people he loves by getting too close to them. So what happens? First Aunt May is put into mortal danger (again) when Doc Ock randomly grabs her from a crowd of people. Then Doc Ock grabs MJ to pressure Pete into handing over Spidey. So basically Pete could have shacked up with MJ at the end of the first movie and had a year or two of happiness with exactly the same outcome. Loser!

    And why did Doc Ock negotiate with Harry? Why not just threaten to rip his arms off if he didn’t give him the Tritium? Or just threaten to kill Pete since Harry clearly cared for him. Why go to all the effort to get Spiderman for Harry when simple intimidation and torture would have been much quicker?

    As far as the landlord’s daughter is concerned, the only point I can see for her being in the movie is to either show that Pete is still in love with MJ so isn’t interested in anyone else; or he’s resolved to not have a relationship with anyone at all for fear of endangering them. Either way it was a waste of screen time.

    Regarding Doc Ock’s robot arms and his eventual psychosis. My theory is that the AI built into the arms was programmed for one purpose, the control of the fusion reactor. When the reactor is destroyed and the arm inhibitor chip is disabled the AI hacks into the Doc’s brain and reprograms it with the last directive that they had which results in a maniacal obsession with rebuilding the reactor.

    And, finally, the train scene. Isn’t this movie set in New York? I’m sure they explicitly mention New York many times. Does New York have any elevated train lines? Does it have an elevated line that terminates at the waterfront with no obvious station or anything? Couldn’t it have just as easily been done with a subway train heading towards the end of a tunnel?

    I think 6 cookies is generous.

  8. My real-time reaction to Cookie’s summary of the beginning…

    I thought Monster was joking about the brooms and other bits of the beginning. I thought somewhere in this review, he was going to abruptly call out “Syke! Uv cors dat not how expensive, A-movie roll. Ha! You buleave Monster, huh?”

    More reflection on the audaciousness of superhero movie awfulness we’ve seen so far would’ve quickly led me to another conclusion.

  9. Happy Birthday geforce.
    Must have been some damn good tacos!
    I’ve missed the last few days…so I’m sending good thoughts the way of Kelly Hurt. And I’m so sorry…

  10. Busy with transporting the college daughter to and from school and attending a wedding. You know, it’s odd when friends of your kids get married and you attend their wedding as a friend of the bride and groom rather than their parents and you know most of their generation but none of your own who are also in attendance. The bride happens to be a black belt and members of the school she attends came and did a martial arts demo (after the traditional daddy/daughter dance) to Flyleaf’s Beautiful Bride. Excellent!

    Didn’t have time to watch Spidey, so I think I’ll skip ahead to Catwoman.

    I’m curious as to why you are reviewing Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl, but are not doing Sky High.

  11. Thanks for the birthday wishes, folks! And for the dedication, Cookie! That means a lot to me!

  12. You are going to review Shark Boy and Lava Girl??!!! OMG I love that movie!! Cookie will love it too – I’m sure! I have see it a hundred times but hopefully will see it again for your review. Just remember Cookie, children starred in this movie. Of course they are all grown up now and have become werewolves (Taylor).

  13. Ponytail: Are you feeling alright? I had to sit through Shark boy every week for a year when my son was smaller. Never again! Plus, what did Cookie do to deserve this? Did he eat Mr. M.‘s cookies or something? Don’t be mean to the puppet Mr. M..

    Oh and Happy Birthday gforce!

    How are you doing today AnneTeldy?

  14. Just a quick note as I’ve missed this whole last week of posts, but for the movie’s sake, let’s assume that Dr. Octoplotz’s robot arms are stainless steel. True stainless steel is non-ferrous and therefore, not magnetic.

    Also, if memory serves me right, we’re told that the mini-sun that he created is some sort of micro-singularity(a mini black hole). How is dumping it in the river gonna stop it from sucking everything into itself? Seawater still has enough consumable elements in it that it’ll barely slow down a true nuclear fusion reaction.

    I just hope I’m remembering and understanding the movie wrong. Yeah, that’s it. Their science is sound, I’m sure.

    -Mike A.

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