May 9, 2012: Deep Dog Thoughts
Cogito ergo esurio!

Back in the days when I had an office job, I worked with a woman (Michelle?  Chantal?  Quenel?)  who was training to be a pet psychic. Not surprisingly, it wasn’t something she was eager to share with her co-workers and only happened to come out over the course of some tangental discussion.  Something like:

“Hey, somebody stapled my report to the cafeteria wall!”

“The boss’s kids are kind of psycho.”

“I happen to be kind of psychic too.”

“I said psycho, not psychic.”


“You’re kind of psychic?”

It turns out she was taking courses toward official(?) pet psychic accreditation during her free time – I suppose sometime between her full-time job and building that giant tinfoil pyramid on the roof of her apartment building.

“A lot people don’t believe it which is weird,”she said.  “If you can believe in a psychic connection between humans and a psychic connection between animals, why is it so hard to believe in a psychic connection between humans and animals?”

I felt as though she’d missed step but, rather than call her on it, I encouraged her to continue by offering a non-committal: “Un huh.”

She smiled broadly, apparently pleased with the fact I hadn’t been judgy, laughed, or immediately reported her to HR as a potential victim of some stress-related anxiety disorder.  “My teacher is one of Canada’s top pet psychics.  I only have two more classes to go.”  And then, on a more personal note: “I’ve been practicing with my cat, Minou.”

Some twenty years later, I don’t remember her name or her position at the company or even what she looked like (although I remember a lot of beige and a face that never quite synced with that salon curly hair). There were far more memorable former co-workers, but whenever I wonder what became of them all after the company went belly up, she’s the first one that comes to mind first because, unlike the others, she had a marketable skill to fall back on.  I imagine that had she had the foresight to hedge her bets by also pursuing a reiki diploma, she’d be set for life.

Oh, you may laugh, but from what I understand pet psychics do a brisk business.  I’ve personally yet to make use of their services only because I’m already attuned to my dogs’ innermost thoughts.    For instance:


May 9, 2012: Deep Dog Thoughts

…is saying pay attention to me/play with me…okay feed me.


May 9, 2012: Deep Dog Thoughts

…is saying pay attention to me/play with me…okay feed me.

And Lulu…

May 9, 2012: Deep Dog Thoughts

…is saying pay attention to me/play with me…okay feed me.  Also, quit staring at me.  You’re creeping me out.

I have an astounding 96% accuracy rate.

This is not to minimize the fine work of professional pet psychics who use their talents to diagnose personality disorders, locate misplaced chew toys, and help local law-enforcement solve crimes (“Minxy is reaching out from beyond the grave to tell me you the Doberman was set up.  It was the Alaskan Malamute!”).

Still, the few stories I have heard haven’t engendered much confidence in the profession.  My favorite was related to me by another co-worker on a past production. Let’s call him Carl.  Carl has two friends whose dog, George, had begun to demonstrate behavioral changes.  For some reason, rather than assuming the dog had been possessed and calling on the services of a pet exorcist, they jumped to the conclusion it was a psychological issue and contacted a pet psychic instead.  The pet psychic, while highly recommended, lived in another state, but assured them she could perform her scam trick service over the phone.  And so, at the appointed time, they rang her up and presumably held the phone up to George’s face so that she could pick up the doggy vibes. The feedback was immediate.  Something like: “George is feeling down because he feels you’re not paying enough attention to him.  George suffers separation anxiety when you leave the house and he misses you while you’re gone.  He could really use some more TLC…”  In recounting the experience to Carl, George’s owners were amazed at the pet psychic’s ability to pinpoint what was ailing their dog.  For his part, Carl was less than impressed.  “George a girl.”

I guess psychic energy is genderless.

Yep.  There’s always a good (and if not good, then certainly entertaining) answer to our pointed questions.  It’s like they see ’em coming.

For instance, back when she’d claimed to have honed her burgeoning psychic abilities on her own lovable Minou, I couldn’t resist asking Michelle/Chantal/Quenel what she’d learned from him.  Had she been able to solve any of the mysteries that have plagued feline owners for centuries.  Why, for instance, don’t they like water?  To this, she nodded knowingly and informed me that she had asked the question, and received the same response her instructor had told her had been echoed by many a furball before him: “It’s a cat thing.”

18 thoughts on “May 9, 2012: Deep Dog Thoughts

  1. I have to wear a tin foil hat around my cats. It isn’t the psychics who are in control, now is it?

  2. Yep, mine laugh at me too, and not just when I’m naked.
    Basil and Stash are having a grand time this evening, chasing a poor, lost moth who inadvertently got into the house!
    Gotta love ’em.


  3. Maybe you should get Michelle/Chantal/Quenel’s phone number from “Carl” for me. Either that or the dog exorcist. 🙂 I think Riley is possessed…

    I’m pooped, it’s been a long day of dealing with Riley and picking poor Elway up for everything. Riley’s STILL at it tonight, provoking one of the cats. When that doesn’t work, she moves on to Gumbo and then to Molly. Gumbo had her in a head lock a couple of nights ago, Molly went after her and slammed her to the floor (which was hilarious, the puppy was fine but very surprised). So, folks, getting a puppy at our age is daunting, at best! She’s still a sweetheart, and is only doing what puppies (ok, deranged possessed puppies) do, and we love her to pieces. Night, all!

  4. Stfu u don’t know anything, ok? The telephone itself is a magical device. Just ask Alexander Graham Bell. He didn’t get the idea to make it out of his own head, ok? Who could? He went and meditated until God gave him the way, then he built it with copper because that’s got magical properties that hold angel energy so when you say you don’t think a psychic can do a reading over the phone? well, joke’s on you, pal. i hate all you atheists who think you know the answer to everything. hahaha u r sooooo wrong science can never explain big bang or why gays can’t get married so just shove it. anyway, peace.

    Okay. I’m done being a YouTube commenter for a day… though I should’ve made more misspellings.

  5. “Carl has two friends…”

    —that’s so sad that Carl only has 2 friends!

    I read somewhere that on average people have at least 5 really good friends.. evidently Carl is trying to bring that average down. Curve wrecker!!!

  6. @ das

    -hey did you hear that they are currently filming a HITCHCOCK bio pic w/ Anthony Hopkins stepping into the silhouette and starring as Hitch?

    ..I was just thinking, if they did a bio pic of Tim Burton who would play him, and then realized that the only one to do him accurately would be Johnny Depp

  7. @ baterista9 – I thought of that, too…’coffee’. However, I’m guessing this is how they’re going to make the characters move on. The sexual tension was too much, and so it either has to go one way, or the other, before it becomes too old and stale and downright annoying. They really do need to get this over with in order to go anywhere (by ‘they’, I mean the writers first and foremost, then by extension, the characters).

    A similar thing happened in Psych, but (I feel) it was done much better and far more believable. When Shawn and Juliet finally got together, I was really happy for them. Not so with Castle and Beckett.


  8. @ Lewis – Depp as Burton? Most definitely! 😆 Didn’t hear about the Hitchcock biopic, and though Hopkins is a good actor, I really can’t imagine him as Hitch (unless he gains a massive amount of weight). I guess they can do it with make-up, but it still seems like a stretch…no pun intended. 😉

    Not really sure I want to see a biopic, either. I know Hitch had some major quirks, but I overlook his personal life and hangups and just enjoy his films. Same reason I rarely, if ever, watch the ‘extras’ on a DVD – knowing too much about something you enjoy can ruin the experience. Same holds true with actors, directors, and even musicians. I like their art, and that’s enough for me. I don’t need to know the sordid details of their lives. In other words, I like to keep as much reality out of my fantasy as possible. 🙂


  9. Do I really believe there are some psychic events in many people’s lives? Yes. Truly. Do I think anyone has the ability to channel it? Yeah, right. Now, I do believe there might be crazy people (I know a mother and daughter.. ie mom wanted daughter to be psychic and told her she was from toddlerhood so the kid is f’d beyond belief in her delusions) who truly believe they have ability. But I would bet a lot on most of them failing any lie detector test asking if they really believe. Which brings me to why I hate them– they are bottom feeding scum sucking life and money out of desperate people and/or pet owners.

    Once someone from scammer Miss Cleo’s organization called my house. I told the idiot that if ANYONE in her company, including her, had one f’ing atom worth of psychic ability they would have removed MY NUMBER from their call list.

  10. There is only pet psychic that I believe is the real deal. She had a show on Animal Planet and actually lives here in The Woodlands. There was some stuff I’d scoff at, but then she would provide intimate details of a person’s life with that dog that only the owner and pet would know that made me believe. Do you know the human psychic John Edward? When he was just starting his TV show, he came to Houston. We had random seating. There is no way they could have staged it. We actually got read, although the people behind us tried to steal our reading. It was Jeff’s best friend’s dad who was like a father to him. The first thing he said was Jericho. And Mr. Percoco kept saying it. Jericho Turnpike is a place in New York when Mr. Percoco and Jeff worked on a roof together. Then more–Patrick, mental retardation, European descent, an incident holding a broom trying to scar someone away, he wasn’t sure if he was a coach of sports but ML kept coming through (Jeff called Larry and asked him if his dad was ever a coach in his lifetime. He told Jeff his dad played in the minor leagues, thus ML). Mr. Percoco also tried to confirm his presence by saying he had 3 children, and that 2 of his grandsons were playing soccer. There were about 20 very specific details that were spot-on. It blew our minds. I was hoping my baby would come through, but I was not that lucky. Wasn’t sure I wanted to talk to my mother or father because of old baggage. Mr. Percoco died before Patrick was diagnosed with any condition, like autism or mental retardation (oops, intellectual disabilities). I could tell you stories of what I believe are the spirits of people we have loved who have come to both Jeff and I in dreams, most recently his father. There definitely are more fakes than there are real people, but I believe they have the gift. The pet psychic’s name is Sonya Fitzpatrick.

  11. @ das

    The movie focuses on all the things that went on during the filming of Psycho. Helen Mirren plays Hitchcock’s wife Alma, James D’Arcy is Anthony Perkins, Scarlett Johansson is Janet Leigh, and Jessica Biel plays Vera Miles. Also Currie Graham is in it!

    This link shows the picture for the movie poster of Hopkins as Hitchcock doing the silhouette pose.

    I don’t know if Hopkins will pull off playing Hitch or not, but I bet it’ll be interesting. What would have been really interesting is if Anthony Hopkins would have been in one of Hitchcock’s movies.. I’m sure Hitch would have created a special character just for him to play. He goes from Lt. William Bligh to Hannibal Lecter to C.S. Lewis to Nixon to Picasso to John Quincy Adams to Zorro to Odin (Thor’s father) to Hitchcock (and also supposed to be Hemingway in a movie coming out at the end of the year)… could you imagine getting all those characters in one room. There would definitely be some interesting conversation going on with that group!

  12. I’d say your pet psychic friend was a dog person. Here is my “theory” on why cats hate being wet. First off, cats have antibacterial components to their saliva. Their saliva also has their scent. Now take into account that cats like to be clean and smell/feel certain ways. To clean themselves they bath themselves using their tongue. When they get wet, not only does it weight them down but they have to bath themselves from head to toe. That’s got to take a while. Hubby and I like to watch them bath and then we pet them. They immediately re-bath the area we touch. So it seems logical that cats like to feel, and smell certain ways. I can relate to that, I like to smell all girly (hubby’s description) with perfumed lotions and such.

    Veterinarian have to be pet psychic’s all the time! I used to stand with the vet and watch an animal walk or eat. Then we’d have to guess where to X-ray or what treatment to pursue. The Vets I worked with would welcome any input and especially sought me ought if they were dealing with a cat. (I’m more of a cat person but I like dogs too.) I’m sure you’ve looked at your pups and tried to reason out what hurts or what bothers them. I don’t know if I believe the whole pet psychic thing but I wouldn’t discount all of it. Maybe, pet psychics are just good at observing.

    Das: I’ve never analyzed a show to the depth you have Castle but the whole show just seemed out of character for all of them. (except for Ryan) They had Adam Baldwin’s character being so reckless just a couple of weeks ago. I don’t see that Beckett acted much different from Adam’s character. The fight scene at the end seemed true to life though. A guy that big, a small female would have to very well trained to defeat him. One blow from a large well trained fighter and the girl would probably be out. Did you ever watch Salt? Angelina was so thin, and with no muscle. There is no way she could do all that damage fighting these big, well trained men.

  13. When someone’s trying to convince me they’re psychic, it has more to do with them creating some kind of emotional atmosphere where I’d be the jerk to say I don’t believe them than it has to do with specific details. For example, they might be on the verge of tears about how emotional their experience was, or would be approaching the conversation like I was special that they were sharing, or sharing details in a way you’d have to contradict their account to question the details.

    An example on the latter, if someone’s trying to share seemingly specific details about me, it’ll be phrased “I see such and such”, not a question whether such and such is true. Do you see how it’s phrased with the pitfall that you have to be careful not to tell another person what they see? It keeps you focused on protecting their emotions even if you successfully avoid the trap.

    I could convince people I was a psychic if I wanted to. While I miss some obvious things everyone else notices, I notice other things most people don’t notice. I just shut up about it. People don’t like you pointing out even one thing that gave them away, and the story is usually the interaction of a dozen subtle things and you’ll hate each other before you get past the argument about how the first detail means little by itself.

    As much as I want to watch Sherlock because of Steven Moffat’s writing, the awkward moments of him pointing stuff out to people triggers too many cringy moments for me. I’ll get over it for Steven Moffat, though. The spiel comes off so much more light-hearted in Psych.

    If I just said I knew because I was psychic, it wouldn’t be as annoying. What’s going to happen is going to happen, I’m just surprised less often and I get a chance to mull over a measured reaction. It pays if your first words can be “let’s talk part time” when you’re being told you’re being laid off instead of an impulsive reaction or forced non-reaction. Or to have already researched resources for a friend you knew was likely to encounter some less subtle details.

  14. Anyone who loves their dog is a pet psychic. A while back, on this blog, Joe had a link to what dogs mean when they bark a certain way. When my beagle is outside and starts barking, I can tell by her pitch and level if I need to bring her in because she is not going to stop, or leave her out because she is barking at something and will stop. I can tell if she is chasing a squirrel or answering a dog a few blocks away. Just by looking at your dog you can tell if they need a nap, they’re happy, they’re mad, or want something to eat. I can tell by the position of her tail what is on her mind, or by how she is walking if she is tense, wants to play, feels sickly, etc, etc.

    Pet psychics who meet your dog can tell the same things you can, but not by reading your dogs thoughts, but by just observing. An over-the-phone psychic is pure garbage. The bible warns to beware of psychis and mediums. They are fake.

  15. Sometimes animals do have a one track mind though, if they want to do something they will do it regardless of how you feel and if they can’t do it they’l try their hardest to do it lol

    Take a Cat, if a cat wants to sit on your lap, you’re not going to be able to stop it doing so for long, well until it gets bored of that idea.

    Never been a dog fan but out of every animal on this planet, dogs are best suited for people, they’ve long since had a bond with humans since like forever. Like the 2 species were made for each other.

  16. @ Lewis – Well, Hopkins is an excellent actor, so I feel he’ll do a good job. I just can’t imagine him with that Hitchcock mug. (I just googled Hopkins as Hitch and the makeup is good, but something is still lost around the eyes.)

    @ Tam Dixon – Never really watched Salt, but did catch the ending once. And yeah, I see what you mean. It may look cool for a chick to kick some big guy’s arse, but it’s not very realistic, especially if both are well-trained.

    As far as ‘analyzing’ shows, I only do it when something either pisses me off (like this Castle ep), or impassions me (like any show or movie with long-locked albinistic types). Mostly, I just accept a show for what it is, and the best of them (like NCIS and Psych) entertain me without doing anything stupid enough to get me butt-munchin’ on my knickers. That’s the way I prefer it. I really don’t want to overthink a tv show, but if I HAVE to, I will. 😀 I mean, 😛 .


  17. PS @ Tam – RE: Reckless Beckett. The diff between Baldwin’s character and Beckett is that Baldwin’s character had control, and got results. I’d say he was more unorthodox rather than plain reckless. But Beckett was reckless, to the point of destroying her team, her career, her rep, and possibly the investigation. But what still irritated me the most was how she berated Castle after he opened up his heart to her, and then how quickly he seemed to forget the slap-down because now he had a chance to play hide the willy. I would like to respect the character, but in the end I just saw him as a sad sap willing to take any sort of abuse if it means getting laid.


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