Batman Returns remind monster of solid gold eggz Big Bird get by mail order. Nice to look at but empty and when send complaint, company stop taking your callz and it all end wit director filing restraning order against you. Dis movie also like Grover at prom nite. All style, no substance, some pleather, and night end wit someone face down in pool. Me know, me know. People will say: “Come on, monster. Just enjoy movie for what it is!”. But monster not understood why me have to settle for lazy skript, espeshully when so much effort go into rest of film. It suggest people who make movie just not care very much – about skript, about audience and, most important of all, about monster. And dis hurt monster’s feelingz and make him want to cry. And punch someone. And if can’t punch someone, shitty review de next best ting!
Movie start wit baby being abandoned in Gotham sewerz. He grow up to be…arch villain Penguin! Meanwhile, powerful bizness man plotting to screw city. He be…arch villain Max Shrek! But his mousey assistant find out about his planz and, in one of moviez many stoopid scenez, she tell him she know everyting. So he trow her out window but she survive and become…arch villain Catwoman!
Two villainz not alwayz twice as good as and tree never tree timez as good, but story almost manage to work – only to fall apart in individual scenez where logic take back seat to moving tings along. For instants, Penguin blackmail Max to help him get power. In one scene, clown jump out of sewer, take mayor baby, and jump back into sewer. Everyone hear sound of skuffle, den Penguin show up wit baby. He saved baby! Suddenly, everybody love dis creature dat look like beach ball wit feet. Me know, me know. “Come on, monster. Just enjoy movie for what it is!”
For instants, Max Shrek trow Selina out window to keep her from talking about his secretz. She show up at work next day and, insted of trying to kill her again, he shrug and say he too busy to bother. Me know, me know. “Come on, monster. Just enjoy movie for what it is!”
Max Shrek visit Penguin. He say he have surprize for him, take him downstairz where – is now located Penguin for Mayor office complete wit volunteerz. And Penguin not notice anyting while upstairz?
Catwoman kidnap woman and leave her standing on ledge. Instead of hopping off to safety, she stand dere until Penguin scare her into falling. She die. Instead of arresting Catwoman for accessory to murder, Batman just leave.
Catwoman makeshift clawz she puts together from itemz in her apartment able to penetrate Batsuit even tho it was bulletproof in last movie.
Insane klown posse hijack batmobile. How? Oh, we establish dey have de planz? Where dey get de planz?
Me know, me know. “Come on, monster. Just enjoy movie for what it is!”
Penguin loved by people who want him to be mayor – until Bruce and Alfred pull de olde “play de bad guyz sekretly rekorded diskussion in publik”.
Catwoman fight Batman. Batman fight Penguin. Penguin fight Catwoman. Batman fight Penguin again. Catwoman fight Max Shrek.
Catwoman want to kill him but Batman say no. Dey have to bring him to jail. Party pooper. He have no problem killing henchman clown by blowing him up earlier in movie. What a hipocrit!
Oh, and an idiot. For some reazon, Batman unmask himself in front of Catwoman – and Max Shrek!
Catwoman electrocute herself, then grab Max Shrek and tongue him wit tazer. Max die but she survive. Somehow.
Me know, me know.
Verdikt: Nice visualz but skript leave someting to be dezired – mainly, logic. Bottom line: Director Tim Burton not care about you. In fakt, he hate your gutz.
Rating: 4 chocolate chippee cookies out of 10 (5 chocolate chippee cookies if you watch wit sound off).
23 thoughts on “May 7, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Batman Returns!”
Somehow I thought this one would do better. I keep getting the Batman movies mixed up. I know there is at least one good one but I can’t remember which. And there’s one I walked out on – it takes oppressive boredom for me to walk out on a movie I paid for.
I’ve felt that way about every Tim Burton movie I’ve ever watched including this one. Ugh! Cookie, I’m sorry you had to endure such a poor script. Ask Joe when he’s going to let you watch a good movie. 😉
And I made chocolate chip cookies tonight without remembering what today was. If it would make you feel better, I’ll share.
Have a great night everyone!!!!
I actually don’t disagree with you on this one. This one left me feeling disappointed. The next two were even worse.
I have to agree with Monster .. but I would’ve given it a 1/2 cookie. I thought the whole movie was cheesy, poorly scripted and just plain wrong.
It’s ok Cookie. When you get around to reviewing The Avengers you’ll be running out of cookies.
This isn’t my favorite batman movie either. Of the originals I am partial to Batman and Robin.
How many people got thrown out of a window in this movie?
I hate sequels.
To paraphrase Shakespeare’s Macbeth: “the story’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets its (two) hour(s) upon the stage and then is heard no more: It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” I don’t know if I’ve ever seen so much go on in a movie, and yet so little actually happen. Despite all the noise and flashy bits, I was rather bored, especially by the end.
Totally agree, Cookie, with your comments on the movie’s plot mechanics contrivances. There were even more than you mentioned. I don’t know how many times I asked myself “why would someone do that, it makes no sense.” Yes, yes, I know. SSHHhshshshshh.
Even the dialogue was weirdly inconsistent – sometimes it was just lazy, other times just bizarre (and not in an interesting way), and at others totally cliched. “I’d like to fill HER void!”? Gee, I’ve never heard that one before.
More strangeness – at some times it completely had that Tim Burton look and feel, and at other times (especially most of the middle) it just looked, well, not like a Tim Burton movie. There was just something “off” about the whole thing.
I looked up the movie on Rotten Tomatoes and it surprised me that it actually got pretty good reviews. Huh.
I will say some of the live penguins were cute. So, there was that.
Meanwhile, powerful bizness man plotting to screw city. He be…arch villain Max Shrek! But his mousey assistant find out about his planz and, in one of moviez many stoopid scenez, she tell him she know everyting. So he trow her out window….
those kind of scenes i just don’t get; someone finds out what the the big, bad guy (or gal) is up to, confronts them with “i’m telling!” and ends up dead. don’t they watch movies or tv shows where this kind of stuff goes on?
Spot on, Cookie. That’s Tim Burton for you – his movies look fantastic, but leave you disappointed. Should have stuck with being an Art Director. It actually really annoys me that he keeps getting directing gigs.
I really enjoyed this one. Then again, I fast forwarded though everything but scenes with Michelle Pffiefer in her cat suit and also had it on mute. 😉
Caution – I’m not in a good mood because Castle totally sucked tonight. Totally. I’ve had it with the megalomaniacal Beckett. Ugh. I just wanted to punch her in the face. Hard. And the ending? 🙄 What a sap. Ryan was the only highlight in this episode for doing the right thing. (This is why I don’t like shows that go to far down the drama route – I end up hating the characters because I’d never put up with people like that in real life, so why watch them on tv?)
Sooooo…yeah. I probably shouldn’t have read the blog tonight. 😛 Oh well, what’s done is done. Sorry (in advance) if I come across as a bit of a …ya know, starts with a ‘pr’ and rhymes with tick.
Now, this isn’t at the top of my Batman movie list, but it was okay back in the day. It’s been a while since I’ve watched it, so really can’t agree or disagree on any of your points, except the Burton bashing. It’s totally unfair. Burton was the director, not the writer. The writers were: Bob Kane (Batman characters, as consultant), Daniel Waters and Sam Hamm (story), Daniel Waters (screenplay). So, if there is blame, put it where blame is due. (And before you start saying, ‘but direkor responseble for…’, I’ll point out a mess called Inquisition ).
I really enjoy Burton’s movies. They are visually stunning, but more than anything, they have heart.
Unlike some critics I know.
Thank god Tim Burton never got to do that superman movie.
At the time I enjoyed this movie, but that lasted 5 minutes, I then realized how much this movie sucked. Visually I thought the Penguine was over the top with the gross aspect. The scipt was lazy and direction poor. Divito was eating the scenery, Michelle’s acting I thought was lazy and Keaton looked bored.
If I remember the trades at the time, Burton didn’t want to be there, he was evidently at the point of a nervous breakdown, but contractually needed to deliver the movie. The producers were beating on him and if anyone remembers who Peter Gruber and Jon Peters was it’s any wonder this movie even got finished. Those two went on to take the Japanese to the cleaners at Sony Pictures after this movie, there is a book about it.
This is just one of those movies that at the time it came out was totally cool, but it does not hold up over time… Now I really want to know what cookie monster thinks of The Avengers… Maybe he could be dragged to the theater and jump ahead just once Joe?
After the first Burton Batman movie, which I LOVED and saw in the theater several times, I was looking forward to this one. When the sewer set and the winter park scene set (where they dump the baby) were completed, I got to be on the soundstage poking around on those sets, and I was looking even more forward to it (because the sets were so sweet!).
But alas, it sucked. It sucked so much that ever afterward, I have just expected every subsequent Batman movie to suck. It ruined the whole canon for me.
I need a superhero, supervillian, or whatever to help me find the bastard that hit and destroyed the bumper on my poor truck. I have to park it on a bridge two blocks from where I live, but I check on it every day, or night. I worked my second job tonight, so ended up driving by in my car about 11:15, and it looked…weird. The bumper had been bent completely vertically. No other damage, thank god.
This is a 1978 Chevy half ton pickup with a bumper that even Superman would have a tussle bending. Seriously, I couldn’t figure out how it happened. I honestly thought it was vandalized. Possibly by four sumo wrestlers jumping up and down on it, or evil space aliens using phasers. So I called the cops.
This very nice, and cute, officer met me on the bridge. Not only was it completely bent, but there was not a speck of debris on the ground, or paint on the bumper. Both he and I were crawling around and under it looking for a sliver of glass, something, anything, but nothing. It was almost like a professional hit, and they brought their own vacuum cleaner.
Sigh, I think I need some of Cookies cookies right now.
Elminster: That is how we eat a BBQ sandwich in Memphis.
4 chocolate chippee cookies out of 10? I thought this one would get sugar free cookies for sure! It’s like Rocketeer to me, hokey but fun. This movie is a complete 180 from the Keith Ledger version. I liked both of them but the later versions are so dark. Sometimes….light is easier to watch.
This movie has sound? Huh.
The only good thing about the film is catwoman in the catsuit.
Hopefully the new catwoman will have as much impact on me as the last one.
The batman films get worse now until Batman Begins.
I erroneously watched this movie a few weeks ago after the first Batman movie because I’d forgotten about all the other superhero movies that came out between Batman 1 and 2.
Unfortunately all I can remember from this most recent viewing was that I hated it. Everything else has been purged from my mind. I vaguely remember seeing it at the cinema but it must have also been purged from my mind.
This movie had so much potential. Danny DeVito, Michelle Pfeiffer and Christopher Walken would have been so great with a decent script. Tim Burton has to take the blame for some of it. Personally, I don’t think he’s made a decent movie since Betelgeuse and Edward Scissorhands.
I agree with you, Cookie, that three villains does not make it three times better. That is my number one problem with most superhero movie sequels. The producers feel a need to ramp things up by increasing the numbers of villains and/or heroes. Batman – One hero, one villain. Batman Returns – One hero, three villains. Batman Forever – Two heroes, two villains. Batman & Robin – Three heroes, Three villains.
My number two problem with superhero movies is that they keep killing off the villains at the end of each movie meaning that the subsequent sequels end up having to use more and more obscure and lame villains. I felt that The Dark Knight got it right by not killing off The Joker at the end meaning he could come back in the next movie. Unfortunately Heath Ledger had other ideas about that.
Come on, Monster, just enjoy the movie for what it is . . . a steaming pile of penguin shit. 4 cookies out of 10? You’re being way too generous!
Personally I liked this movie, mostly because it was over the top and ridiculus with the villians, things like that. These are what suit Batman best in my opinion, the crazy villians with crazy schemes.
Like the Batman movie with The Riddler. Forgot which one that was, his whole mind control thing was ridiculus but fun, and his scene at the end.
If these movies based on comic book characters aren’t crazy and at the same time over the top, they’re not fun!
Speaking of crazy, shame they don’t make a tv gameshow based on that one in Japan in the most recent Amazing Race episode, the one with the running on that thingy grabbing plastic chickens and the Sushi bingo thing. You did see that episode right Joe?
Not a huge fan of Sushi but that game looked fun, with a dozen types of Sushi going around that thing, having to grab and match them on the board and eat after.
Crazy Japanese and their Crazy games 🙂
Okay, Mr. Monster, I get the point. I won’t suggest that you try to enjoy a movie for what it is any more.
On Batman Returns, I have to agree with you about the script. It had a lot of weak points (all of which you have pointed out so I won’t go over them again). But I also agree with das about the Burton bashing: don’t pin the whole fiasco on him. Personally, I’ve enjoyed some of his movies. They are quirky and a mite peculiar, but I though some were well done: Edward Scissorhands, Nightmare Before Christmas, Sleepy Hollow, Sweeney Todd, and Alice in Wonderland.
@das: re: Castle. Obsessions can do strange things to people. I have mixed feelings about the recent developments. But I just love Alexis. Her speech made me cry. Of course, I’m in a weakened condition since my daughter is graduating in a couple of weeks.
I know I’m late to the party here, but I just needed to say: all I saw in this movie was Michelle Pfeiffer in that Catwoman suit. I don’t remember much else….and I don’t care to. “Meow”….favorite line in the entire movie.