April 9, 2012: The Supermovie Of The Week Club Reconvenes!  Cookie Monster Reviews Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

Hoo boy.  Take one good idea wit promise, sell out and make it for kiddiez to cash in on merchandizing potenshul, den make movie about it but don’t bother paying for decent script.  Just trow together any old lazy ideas, some lame jokes and dubbing, and voila – you have Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a movie made twenty yearz ago back when kidz a lot eazier to impress.  Monster not understand how history judge Howard de Duck so harsh but give dis movie a free pass.

April 9, 2012: The Supermovie Of The Week Club Reconvenes!  Cookie Monster Reviews Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!
Stop fighting over pizza and get back to breakdancing!

City full of crime.  Woman mugged.  But teenage mutant ninja turtles to da reskue!  Dey fight to lame late 80’s synth muzak!  Dey use dated hipster doofus termz like “Bodashus!” and “Radikal!”!  Dey live in sewerz – which monster tink pretty appropriate becuz dat where dis stinker of a movie belong!

Stuff happen.  Me not bore you wit details.  But turtle master, Ratso Rizzo, get kidnapped by bad guy in samurai hat doing bad Darf Vader imitashun.

April 9, 2012: The Supermovie Of The Week Club Reconvenes!  Cookie Monster Reviews Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!
Ratso Rizzo

Turtles waste time fighting over pizza, gestikulating wildly like bad stage aktors, and making friendz wit newz reporter and vigilante who dress like maniak from Friday de 13th.  Dese two fall in love for some reazon even though he a brainless missoginist and she have mebbe half brain.  Or mebbe not.

April 9, 2012: The Supermovie Of The Week Club Reconvenes!  Cookie Monster Reviews Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!
You know a movie is bad when villainz even stoopider looking den mutant turtle heroez.

Itz ninja turtles versuz ninja ninjas!  Turtles fight wit sharp weaponz but never aktually stab anyone wit dem.  Monster guess dey more of a fashun statement.

April 9, 2012: The Supermovie Of The Week Club Reconvenes!  Cookie Monster Reviews Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!
Look out! It Jason Voorheez!

Ratso Rizzo saved!  Turtles find out someting audience figured out one hour earlier: sekret identity of Darf Shredder.  He fall off building and die.  Until next movie anyway.

April 9, 2012: The Supermovie Of The Week Club Reconvenes!  Cookie Monster Reviews Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!
Darth Shredder

Newscaster and troglodite get together.  Turtles tell more lame jokes. And monster wish he rewatching Superman and de Mole-Men instead.

Verdikt: Verdikt is monster finished watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles moviez.  One enuf to last a lifetime.

Rating: 4 chocolate chippee cookies.  And only becuz dis a kidz.  Adultz and anyone dat graduated grade six need not apply.

Pleaze diskuss.

15 thoughts on “April 9, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

  1. I haven’t watched this recently (the last time was with my oldest daughter), but I remember thinking it was a bit like a mobile “Chuck E. Cheese” show…the costumes just weren’t all that convincing for me.

    So Cookie, you’re absolutely right, it was for the kidz!

  2. If the Sesame St. monsters were the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle characters:

    Leonardo – Grover

    Michelangelo – Cookie

    Raphael – Elmo

    Donatello – Telly

    Shredder – Oscar

    Plot: while looking for a new hideout in the sewers the TMNT Monsters stumble upon Fraggle Rock, big song & dance number, eat some chocolate chip cookie pizza, find out that the evil Shredder/Oscar along with his foot soldiers/garbage men are polluting the river that runs through Fraggle Rock, big battle ensues along with muppet style hilarity, the TMNT Monsters are able to beat Shredder/Oscar with the last second help of a big A-list movie star (..wait for it…) Pepe the Prawn who was wearing the Master Splinter Rat disguise all along because as it turns out he is Rizzo the Rat’s #1 fan and it was going to be his cosplay costume for ComicCon

  3. You’re right that the movie was made for kids who are easy to impress. That was me! Sell me turtle gear!

    It’s Splinter. Rizzo is Gonzo’s friend.

    It was amazing how all the characters looked just like the ones in the cartoon. I’m not talking about just the turtles and rat here. You have no idea how bodayshus that was to see for a big fan of the cartoon. Again, easy to impress and impressed I was! I mean I was impressed by that when I saw the movie when I was a kid. I have more sophisticated critique this time around.

    “Ninja kick the damn rabbit. Do something.” I love that turtle.

    April actually went for Danny’s “let me stay one more night before you call my dad” excuse. This may seem like a thrown together plot band-aid, but it is consistent for April’s personality to use such bad judgment.

    —-

    This movie was remarkable for blatantly giving an abusive narcissist with borderline personality disorder a traditional romance arc. I say blatantly because this isn’t rare in fiction, just done more subtly.

    Casey Jones calling April sexist names and repeating the offense with an air of being unaware of a transgression when she objects…hmmm…oh, look, he says not to ask him for help again when she doesn’t want to be around his bad behavior…that’s a flag for something, but what?

    58 minutes in…shoving her down to massage her shoulders when she resisted him touching her was domestic violence.

    It’s how he operates. He’d previously persisted in bad behavior (sexist name-calling) as his way of refusing to acknowledge she had rightly called him on it, then acted like it was her fault she didn’t want to be around him. That’s how he set her up to assume that he would persist if she said “no” again, possibly escalating the violence and blaming her for causing it by objecting.

    They did at least write Casey Jones as a consistent character, a guy who feels justified in various manipulative and “punishing” responses. An abuser, for short.

    This movie nailed the beater/girl-afraid-to-displease dynamic. That’s wrong to portray as a cheered on romance in a kid’s movie or any movie, but that Stephanie Meyers series got away with pretending the stalker/needy teen dynamic was okay and I hear that franchise is doing well.

    Smashing the bad guy’s corpse in a trash compactor? Really? Who does Casey think is going to clean that up? I hate that guy.

    “I look like I just called Mike Tyson a sissy and all you can say is hi”….Casey’s character is consistent…a manipulative asshole. And April’s is, too, because she gives in to the manipulation and kisses him. It’s a good set-up for TMNT II: Escape to the Domestic Violence Shelter.

    —–

    I agree the movie felt thrown together. Major parts of the movie had the feel of this is the part of the outline where we’re not sure what to do, this is the part where we’re gloomy, oh, fine, let’s go storm the castle now.

    And the turtles came off as secondary characters, especially in the finale. I know you weren’t invested in the characters in that way, Joe, but I’ve watched enough of the cartoon – it matters to me.

  4. I had definitely outgrown these sorts of movies by the time this stinker was released. As a consequence I saw it for the first time over the weekend. An Easter treat this was not!

    Firstly, the good. I liked the animatronics of Splinter and the Turtles. Jim Henson’s Creature Workshop did a pretty decent job to get at least some sort of expression and lip sync on the characters. These days the characters would be motion captured CGI. They’d look better but probably be not much more emotive.

    The bad. Yeah, the script was awful and quite irresponsible. “Be the good guys and live in a sewer” or “Live a life of crime, spend your nights partying, playing video games and smoking as many cigarettes as you want.” Sign me up! Sure, if you become adept at fighting you are likely to be selected for the newest batch of bugeyed henchmen but I’m sure I could make sure I was rubbish enough at my ninja skills so I wouldn’t be selected. What sort of story planning meeting results in the edict that the Turtles can’t be seen actually killing anyone with swords but that it’s OK for Casey Jones to crush the baddie in a garbage truck?

    The ugly. As DP so eloquently explained above, Casey Jones was a nasty piece of work! I know we were supposed to sympathise with him and maybe even wish we were him but he was so repulsive I kept hoping one of the henchmen would put him out of our misery.

    Please, can I have my weekend back?

  5. @DP: I had exactly the same feeling about that whole relationship. It just seemed so bizarrely inappropriate to the rest of the movie, and very out of place in a movie that was (hopefully) made for kids. The rest of the movie just seemed like a tired mash of lackluster fight sequences and bad puns. I found myself wandering in and out of the room often doing other stuff while it was on. I might have smirked a couple of times at the turtles’ wisecracks, but mostly they were just eye-roll worthy. In the end, I didn’t hate it so much as I just didn’t care, the out of place dysfunctional relationship notwithstanding.

  6. I liked TNMT the cartoon when I was a kid. Love the theme song. Gotta be one of the catchiest theme songs. I can hear it my head right now. 🙂 Hated the movie, though. Thought the movie was kind lame.

  7. Okie dokie, Joe, finally able to post…but it took some time.

    Not sure if the problem is on my end, or what. Not sure if I just have to wait for the box to open, or if my constant clicking on the box finally made it open. Either way, there’s a delay in the comment box opening up. It may be my problem, but I did update, cleared cookies, ran scans, and tried both logged in and logged out modes, and still having the same delay. Just wanted to post this in case anyone else is having trouble, too (then I can better determine if it’s my problem, or not).

    @ Mr. Monster – Based on the brevity of your review, I’m guessing that the FF button was your friend during this movie. And, alas, I have not watched this one, either. I’ve never watched TMNT in any form, or at any time. They’re just too ugly in a goofy, and not a cool, way. When you finally get around to ugly and cool, I might be interested. 🙂

    das

  8. I left out sexual abuse. What I called domestic violence in my review was also sexual abuse.

    My omission points out how insidious it is to depict these things in a movie as okay. I didn’t identify all that was wrong with the behavior on the first pass. It’s disturbing how easily the movie passed this stuff off to me as not as bad as it really is just because they were audacious enough to depict it. The conclusion I’m coming to is that just by depicting such dysfunction with an unapologetic swagger, they are normalizing it and that’s criminal to serve that kind of grooming for abuse to children or even a wider audience.

  9. Hi Joe,

    1) It is possible to see one day, Dark Matter in France?

    2) Any revelation planned by Robert Cooper or Brad Wright, concerning the end of the arc story of SGU? How it should be end?

    Think’s for answering!

  10. I know now watching this movie again, all I can think is: “God, is this dorky?” But I do admit that that still doesn’t stop me from watching it with a smile each and every time i do see. I don’t remember it being so dorky, but I was the appropriate age bracket (i.e. seven) for this movie and I loved it. I watched the cartoon and I definitely watched the movie and loved both. Still do actually. I guess it’s the happy childhood memories of trick-or-treating that year as Donatello (purple was and is my favorite color). So I guess my real reaction to this movie is a remeniscing “Good times…good times.”

  11. @das, when I just click on the comment box, it brought up my email, name, the i am a little green t-pot thingy. although not sure why it has chgd. but seems to post okie dokie…..

  12. I do enjoy Cookie Monster’s reviews even though I have (so far) failed to subject myself to any of the movies, and I appreciate his efforts to save me so much time and pain.

  13. Turtle POWER! 🙂 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFsTr0kGAqU

    I concur it was cheesy, but it was a kids movie to build from the original TMNT cartoon where the Foot Clan were robots so they could be destroyed without issue. But you can’t have a kids movie with blood and guts spilling out everywhere, well at least you couldn’t in those days. It was one of the first movies I saw in a theatre at a young age of 12.

    Cowabunga dudes!

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