Many not know dis but Monster on short list to replace Simon Cowl on Amerikan Idol. Deal almost closed (with jenerous chocolate chippee dressing room rider) when show hire Cookie’s bitter enemy = Jennifer Lopez! Me and JLo be feuding since Monster walk off set of Gigli (me fired after complain JLo too rough during sex scenes – ie. fur tugging) and force produktion to hire Ben Afflek. Notice how dat turn out? Anyhoo, Monster and JLo definitely not work together again so Cookie walk away from lookrative contrakt. But, on bright side, have free time to pursue other interesting projekts like role of Cop #3 in Prime Suspekt and clean out basement. Point me want to make is dat Monster very good judge of others. So when Joe ask me to do reviews for SuperMovie of Week Club, me say yes because me love the projekt, free time open up in Monster busy skedule, and me great at critiking (ask anybody on Sesame Street).
But after last week, Monster not so sure me want to continue. “Super” movie of week not so “super”. More “supershit” dan “superfantastik”. But Monster not a quitter. You all depending on Cookie to tell you what to tink of movie. And, anyway, sign contrakt so not want to be sued by JosephMallozzi Inc. Ltd.
So, Monster sit down and watch dis week’s pick: Batman! Movie shot in gloryus Teknikolor and have not one, not two, not tree, but FOUR villains. Dis Batman BC version (Before Codpiece) very charming. Adam West best Batman ever and Burt Ward (who play Robin AND Bruce Wayne yoothful ward – Ward play ward. Coincidents? Me not tink so either) pretty darn good Robin. Helpful narrashun very good for set tone – and help stupid audience members. Why movies not do it more? Monster can tink of severul films would have been so much better (Memento, Godfather III, and De Artist).
We introduced to Bruce Wayne and yoothful ward Dick Grayson but – surprize! – dey be really Batman and Robin after pole slide to Batcave! “Atomik battery to power! Turbines to speed!” Batmobile off to de races! Monster like attenshun to scientifik detail like dat. Notice in later Batman movies no mention of either atomik battery OR turbines? How new Batmobile go? Power of wishful tinking? 🙁
Batman and Robin take Batcopter out to sea and, while Batman climbing down Batladder, he attacked by Bateating shark. Leads to thrilling man vs. shark battle where even best Batpunches (take dat stoopid shark!) have no affect. But Batsharkrepellent does – and in nick of time too because turn out shark not your average every day shark. But exploding shark! Den turn out not even your average exploding shark…but trap exploding shark! Dis movie layers upon layers upon layers!
Turn out bad guys (Joker, Penguin, Riddler, and sexy Catwoman) have kidnap Admiral with sekret invention. What sekret invention? Wait for it….wait for it…Bruce Wayne lounge around wearing ascot….wait for it…Robin very good at riddles…wait for it…Bruce Wayne go on romantik date, drink milk out of cognac glass, kidnapped then saved…wait for it…Best bomb-getting-rid-of-sequence ever!…wait for it…Dehydrashun machine! Bad guys use to dehydrate seamen, den put dehydrated seamen into Batcave, but dehydrated seamen unstable and end up transported to other realm (Monster tink bedsheets of nearest Motel 6). Den bad guys dehydrate members of United World security council. Gather up dehydrated bits of multicolor powder and go back to sub for partaay!
But Batman and Robin crash party! Fight on deck! Everybody overboard!
Stand-ins swim-ins look nothing like actors. Batman and Robin get back onboard and discover – HOLY HEARTBREAK! – Miss Kitka really Catwoman!!!
Miss Kitka! Russian reporter Miss Kitka! From Moscow Bugle!
Bruce Wayne almost fall in love wit her! Remember? No? I forgot to mention? Okay. So earlier in movie, Bruce Wayne interviewed by Russian reporter working for Moscow Bugle and fall in love but turn out she really Catwoman.
Oopsy. Maybe need spoiler space.
Miss Kitka really Catwoman!
Multicolored vials holding dehydrated Security Council break! Batman and Robin have to vacuum up all de little bits (and probably some submarine dust) and put in special machine to separate. Everyone around de world interested in how it going to turn out. Commissioner Gordon even get call from George W! Security Council rehydrated. Sort of! Monster not going to spoil ending but lets just say Security Council members switch personalities.
Monster like dis movie a lot. Like any great film, leave a lot of questions unanswered. Questions like: How Bruce and Dick change into Batman and Robin by sliding down poles? Why bad guys have to pretend to Admiral Shippledipper dat he at sea? Do penguin quack? Beside fact dat movie make hardly any sense at all, me like it!
Final Verdikt: Movie have it all – action, romance, suspense and exploding shark! Oh and also one exploding seamen!
Rating: 8 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies
Next Tuesday, me back to review and diskuss 1978 Superman:
Already me don’t believe. Monster have bad attitood. 🙁