I was in Trevor’s office today going over some production details on episode #3 when, partway through our Harry Potter discussion, I noticed two of my female co-workers staring out the window.

“Ooooh, loooook!”cooed one.

“Soooo cute!”, the other.

I hurried over to join them, peering out and scanning the area across the street for a glimpse of the adorable puppy – to no avail.  All I could see was a group of people and a woman holding a baby.  WTF?

“Where’s the dog?”I asked.

“What dog?”wondered co-worker #1.

“The cute dog that has you guys all excited.”

“It’s not a dog.  It’s the baby.”

I took a second, longer look.  The baby wasn’t doing anything particularly amusing like projectile vomiting or driving a car.  It was just there, hanging off its mother’s arm like a loaf of soggy bread. Maybe I’d missed it.

“What did it do?”I asked.

“What do you mean ‘what did it do’?”

“I mean what did it do that was so funny?”

“It didn’t do anything.”  Then, fixing me with an admonishing look.  “It’s just a cute baby.”

“It is?”  It looked pretty much like any other baby to me.

“Babies are cute,”co-worker #2 informed me with the conviction of, say, a “Bananas are yellow” or  a “Vegetarians are flatulent”.

“They are?”

In response, I received the type of glares usually reserved for clumsy drunks.

Anyway, all this to ask: Did I miss something?  Is it widely accepted that all babies are cute by the simple virtue of being babies?  Does the fact that every infant looks exactly the same to me – with the exception of those wide-eyed goofy ones – suggest I lack the paternal gene (to compliment my jazz deficiency)?  I mean, I can certainly sympathize with an individual’s desire to produce an offspring who’ll feel obligated to mark their birthday each year with a requisite salutary phone call and/or banish them to the appropriate nursing home when the time comes but I still don’t quite get it.  For my part, I’m more of a dog guy though, admittedly, dogs do require a little more effort than kids.  It’s not like you can just line the kitchen with newspaper, put out some food and water, and then go away for the weekend and expect them to fend for themselves.  That would be fine for a child but dogs require companionship and the occasional belly rub.

Anyway, speaking of babies, the wife of one of my co-workers – Executive Producers’ Assistant Trevor – is having a baby and, next week, they find out the sex of their child.  Which got me thinking…this would be a perfect opportunity to hold a little contest.

Slap on your creative caps and start thinking as this blog kicks off the: NAME TREVOR’S BABY CONTEST!

Trevor says: "I've got nothing. Thank goodness for Joe's readers."

First post, first served, so if you want to claim the rights to a name early (I’ve already taken Rubella and Spearmint), start posting.  I’ll choose the top three candidates from the list of suggestions after which it will be up to YOU to vote in a winner!

“Hey, wait a minute!”some of you are no doubt saying. “We thought Joe fired Trevor!”.  Well, I certainly should have after THIS incident (June 9, 2011: Oatmeal Snowman! Trevor screws up my page count! Stargate: SG-1 season 9! News of note!) but soon after letting him go, I was informed that it’s actually cheaper for the production to keep him.  Apparently, his departure would require us to purchase a scarecrow to prop up in his workspace to keep the wolverines at bay (and away from our lunches).  And so, I had to re-hire him.

Of course no sooner was Trevor back in the office than he was up to his old tricks.  After hopping onto my laptop and fixing a formatting glitch with my screenwriter software, he starts explaining what the issue was and how he’d fixed it.  “Look,”I told him, “don’t come to me with problems.  Or explanations of solutions to problems.  Just come to me with solutions.”

Geez!

79 thoughts on “June 24, 2011: Ensure your legacy in the Name My Co-Worker’s Baby Contest!

  1. For a girl, I like Kathryn, and for a boy, I’m partial to either Andrew or John.

    Oh, and thanks for the chuckle. I needed that today.

    Have a good evening!!!

  2. Well, I haven’t got a first name suggestion, but after experiencing my two year old’s current demeanor, I would highly suggest “Trouble” as a middle name. I regret not choosing it for her. As a bonus, it will work for either a girl or boy.

  3. If it’s a boy: Rovert
    If it’s a girl: Adlehnurb

    I’m assuming, of course, that Trevor’s wife’s name is Brunhelda. Why wouldn’t it be?

    Joe, my wife and I have a 3-year old son. I will tell you right now that all babies do NOT look alike. I will also tell you to tell your co-worker that all babies are NOT cute. I’m not referring to our son…he’s adorable. But some of the babies look like rejects from a shar pei factory. Or, worse, Alfred E. Neuman’s secret love child with George W. Bush.

  4. Oh and since people are into naming their kids really bizzare stuff these days (Facebook, for example)… and since apparently you and I prefer canines over younglings… I vote for ‘Puppy’

  5. Joe, I am with you – I don’t get the whole ‘cute baby’ thing. Most are bald and ugly with unmentionable gooey stuff oozing out of every orifice. I can’t begin to tell you how creeped out those Anne Geddes photos make me… *shudder*

    HOWEVER…once a baby starts walking and talking and learning to hold its bladder? Then I love them! But before that they’re just snotpusspisspoo factories. Blech.

    Baby names? I tend to like the names of characters I like (Although “Todd’s a terrible name” 😉 ), and I usually like older names with multiple syllables (sp?).

    Boys: Aloysius, Elric, Logan, Sebastian (or Sebastien), Horatio, Daniel, Thaddeus, Joshua, Bartholomew, Nathaniel.

    Girls: Constance, Madeline, Abigail, Savannah.

    I also like a lot of foreign names, but I don’t have time right now to think about them, and I’m pretty sure that if I ever had a son myself, he’d get beat up just because of his name. 😛 Right now my favorite boy name is Sebastien, but you know a Sebastien isn’t gonna last one day on the playground. Hmm. If I do have kids, maybe I’ll just home school. 🙂

    das

  6. Joseph……..other than the obvious car(Audi)…will there be any
    other obvious and/or acknowledged product placement(s)
    or product endorsement(s) involved with the Transporter
    production?

    When the new series gets set to launch/air in 2012…will there
    be any type of cross marketing campaigns involved to try to help
    out in terms of added on promotional efforts etc?

  7. You’d love your baby more than others; you’d bond with them and they’d become as loved as Jelly or Lulu, and I can just see a little Jolene sharing a doggy bed with Maximus, napping happily together.

    For a girl I heartily recommend Oprah, since its associated with weath, success and delicious food, and for a boy I think Whitey Bulger has the ring of power, menace and fugitive skills; it just screams crime boss.

    I had a bit of peach pie with Ben and Jerry’s Steve Colbert Americone Dream; fabulous. Speaking of which, when are you gonna break out the ice cream maker? Wasn’t Rob C. Cooper your nemesis in the ice cream wars of yore?

  8. Names for the contest:
    Fun – could not resist
    Girl – Nutella
    Boy – Nutello

    Serious
    Girl – Fortune
    Boy – Christopher
    But I did like Das’ suggestion of Horatio

  9. Yes, all babies ARE cute – to their parients.

    My suggestion for a name – Bailey.
    Works for a boy or a girl.

  10. If its a boy – Elvis
    If its a girl – Elvis

    Ask any parent and they will say their baby is cute, beautiful and sweet.

    Ask me and i will say the baby has interesting hair. Or something alike.

    I would trade a child for a dog every day of the week. I symphatize with you Joe!

  11. If all babies look alike, and if that “look” really does equal extreme cuteness, than Elmer Fudd should have been able to find himself a girlfriend years ago!

    …of course he did have that fling w/ Bugs Bunny in drag.

  12. Joe, you should make it part of Trevor’s job description that he has to use the name you pick out. And then since you picked out the name that means you get a 10% gratuity of whatever income their child makes payable to that name. You should really encourage them to go into baby modelling. Just think of the residuals!

    Okay, with all that said, baby name w/ a Trasporter ring to it:

    Audi

    It could work for boy or girl! Heck, even a dog!

  13. @Squishy actually, that’s not true. A friend of ours, who just had her second baby, kept commenting on how cute he was…and how ugly her first boy was as a baby!

  14. I’m partial to cute baby names like Apothis, Bal, Hathor, Thor, Anubis… you get the idea. 🙂

  15. Boy’s name: Smedley
    Girl’s name: Gert

    I completely agree about the non-differentiation of baby appearance at ages less than 6 mos old. How do people tell the difference?? I assume it’s a parent thing.

  16. Hey Joe

    OH a contest!!

    For a girl – Cassiopeia
    For a boy – Betelgeuse (or just Beetlejuice)

    Hope everything is OK with you and yours…

    Elminster

  17. Joe you are a funny man! I think all babies are cute – well most of them. In all my years, I’ve only seen a few babies that are real ugly and when you look at them you say, “oooohhh! yup, that’s a baby…I guess.”

    There are a couple people at work who have names that a movie star should have. One, is a girl named Janssen. Along with her last name, it sounds very cool. Just tell Trevor not to name his daughter Janssen then call her Jan because that would remind me of the poor, tortured 2nd sister on the Brady Bunch. (Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!!)

    I thought all the babies today were being named after the popular Twilight saga: Edward, Esabella (call her Bella), Jacob, Taylor, Kristin, Robert, Barf.

    Joe, my dog Maggie has a message for you: Joe, if you have a baby boy, name him Pup Peroni Mallozzi.

    I think Lesley is a lovely name for a girl. 😀 Guess who that is….

  18. @ sylvia – About 30 years ago when I was working in the library, I saw the Horatio Hornblower book series by C. S. Forester, and thought to myself, “Who would name their kid ‘Horatio’?!”

    Many years later I read the books, and watched the Hornblower miniseries on A&E…and fell in love with the name. However, I must admit it sounds best when it rolls off of Jamie Bamber’s tongue. 🙂

    das

  19. Bambi, Matilda, Poinciana,Elisabeth,Airelle…
    <>><<>><<>><<>><<>
    Doorock, Sherlock, Homer, Preston, Cooper

  20. Joe,
    For a boy – I would name him Augustus Qianlong. After the emperor of Rome and the greatest emperor from the Qing dynasty in China.

    For a girl – Anna Maria Lasagna. Silly I know, but I love lasagna and I am Italian. It has a nice musical quality to it as well.

    What do you think?
    Nick

  21. “Destiny, destiny, no escaping that for me…” sorry, uh, what was the question again?

    Oh yeah! Names. No suggestions but a word to the wise: Never give your daughter a name that you might see on the marquee of a strip joint.Destiny, Amber, Bambi, Candy, etc.

    @das: I know where you got your names. 😉 Well, at least a couple of them. Sebastien is nice, but I agree that it would be a heavy burden with which to saddle a little boy.

  22. Take into consideration the way the ladies were reacting. Now think about being the father of that baby and taking your child to the park or beach to walk around… all those ladies coming up to checkout the baby and fun ensues.

    That of course is the movie version.

    The reality is C.H.U.D.s (Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers) who look like they bit a brick and have yellow fingers from nicotine walk up and want to touch your baby and you want to suddenly kick at them or at least hold up a crucifix hoping they burst into flames.

  23. Pick a cool Car Name… I’ve always had a fondness for “MERCEDES”… And then there’s “ASTON”… “FERRARI”…

    Meanwhile though… They’re likely going to hit you up for a “BABY SHOWER” GIFT…? — E-me or checkout my “website”… Rachel Luttrell’s & Jason Momoa’s Kids have my “product” [if you need references].

  24. They’re cute if they’re your own 😉
    Believe me, if you had your own baby, you’d fall completely in love with it.

    I do agree that not all babies are cute. I’ve seen some rather unfortunate-looking ones, but in some cases, their looks improved as they got older. I’ve seen the reverse happen, too (cute as babies, unattractive as adults).

    My advice on baby names:

    For a boy: Don’t choose a trendy name that has a chance of becoming a girls’ name in the future. For example, Ashley, Beverley, Loren (Lauren being the feminine), and Hilary, were all boys’ names at one point. I’m sure Ashley MacIsaac wished he had another name!

    For a girl: As Sparrow_hawk said, don’t choose a name that sounds vaguley stripper/porn star-ish. That would include something like Brandy or Desiree.

    Other than that — best wishes and congrats to Trevor and his wife.

  25. Yes, you lack the gene to get the “aw it’s cute” factor for kids. That is a plus. Infants are genetically engineered to appeal to people who do have the gene. It’s what keeps parents from running out of the house screaming when the babies’ normal body functions, like pooping, yucking, and crying at 120 decibels for hours on end. On the bonus side, it means you are more than qualified to serve as an evaluator for Spartan infants and toss the rejects into the pit.
    As for names. hmmm. Girl: Athena, Vala, Syfiana, Echymosis. Dysphagia. Boy. Alexander, Roland, Evisceration, Caliban, Katana.
    For either gender Impetigo.

    This is going to be a fun contest. I hope your coworker appreciates the man minutes going into assisting him and his wife in this vital life choice.

  26. Rena would be a nice name if it was a girl, the Japanese take on the name is Rina, the name has various meanings such as melody, or joy etc

    You actually made me google the meaning of the name before answering by making this a discussion lol

  27. LOL, sorry Joe, yeah you probably missed the parenting gene. I probably stood in line for about 10 helpings. I love them from the birth on. Hell, I love teenagers. Even juvenile delinquent ones. But cute? cough cough. When someone proudly shows me some butt ugly baby I say “WHAT A BOY! (or girl)” I mean, I would never hurt their feelings, but honestly, not all babies are cute. They are adorable though.

  28. Please don’t name the baby one of the names on the most popular list. You don’t want to yell the kid’s name five years later at the park and have half the population of kids wondering why you’re yelling at them.

    How about Joe? Joseph? Carl. That’s a good one. Naming them after a relative you actually like is also good.

    Hey, most babies are cute. There are those ones that make you wonder. I bet those are the ones that grow up and look like Angelina Jolie. When they’re first born, they’re really not all the attractive. It’s after a few months that they’re usually at their cutest. Then it’s all downhill from there.

  29. @ DAS – yep, I was also enchanted by the series Horatio Hornblower. Of course, I loved the leads playing the role and I also do have a bias for Horatio to look like Gregory Peck.

  30. first off, most babies look the same to me. most of them aren’t that cute IMHO.

    second; what sort of prize is there for the baby naming contest, besides naming the baby? is the mother of said baby aware of this?
    there are a few things to be aware of when naming a kid;
    1. will the initials (first, middle, last) make up a word, like F.A.T?
    2. how easy is it for other kids to make fun of?
    3. will there be 5 other kids with the same first name in her/his class? (a good reason to avoid “trendy” names)
    4. is it a name that’s often found on pencils, cups & key chains that the kid may want one day?

    also there’s a test to see if you’ve got a good name for your kid; (at home) say the full name like you’ve just discovered they broke a lamp by playing ball in the house.”james harper doe, you go to your room right this minute!” if you have trouble saying it, so will your kid.

    anyway, about the names;
    boy–richard, daniel, michael, benjamin, jonathan
    girl–elizabeth, katherine, nicole, rachel, erin

    BTW i think names should by spelled the usual way; not spelling it m-a-r-y-y or something like that.

    and one unconventional name set (first & middle) if i may;
    erinnissa (pronounced erin-nissa) rachel.
    no sure how to spell that firs name. only heard it, never saw it spelled out.

  31. @ sylvia – I still quote Hornblower lines to this day! I really loved that series, especially the first four movies. The Even Chance/The Duel is still my favorite – I just love that one from start to finish. Not sure if it was the plot, the acting…or the frilly shirts. 😳

    das

  32. Boy Names – Rothlick Mistlethwaite Chelmsford + Trevor’s Last Name
    Haggar Rutger Helmut + Trevor’s Middle Name
    Ogalalla Aquifer MacTrevor
    Wolf Hopper Magnetite + Trevor’s Last Name
    Duggar Gosselin Trevinski
    Distemper Parvo Rabies Bordetello Trevorlicious

    Girl Names – Djazzmyne Thistle Rose
    Pooh Pea Dye Purr Trevorsmith
    Annika Bananika Trevoronica
    Syrrinitie Glissando Coda
    K8
    Omighgohd Mighname Isdum

  33. G’day Joe

    Janet for obvious reasons, my Dad’s Mum was Janet her Mum was Janet and her Mum was Janet. When I started dating my now hubby, found out his Dad’s Mum was Janet. Which is why I named my first daughter Kris and my second Victoria.

    As for a boy, as long as it is NOT Harley.

    Not all babies are cute I know I work with them. Some are downright ugly. But not mine.

  34. Congratulations to Trevor and Mrs. Trevor. I can’t take credit for coming up with this, but I did a blog about it about 3 years ago as it was a news story: 4Real

    And coming off that, they could name the child #$$$$ (hashtag shit this is going to cost me a lot of money). That is an original thought (I hope), but I never read that anywhere. Or Insomnia if she is opting for breastfeeding (for her, not the baby).

    I think you all know our first baby died in utero and the autopsy revealed he was a boy, so we named him Matthew Joseph. The second time around, we chose not to know the sex again because frankly there are few surprises left in this world. We chose Patrick Vincent if it were to be a boy and Katherine Elizabeth if a girl (it had to be a good Irish name). Midwife felt very sure I was having a girl. She was calling the baby Katherine as I was giving birth to….PATRICK. She said, “Oh, Katherine has balls!” For us it was the best decision, and ironically we had painted the baby’s room blue even though we thought the midwife was right. I can understand though people wanting to know.

    99.99% of babies are cute. There are a few exceptions.

    Speaking of kids, regularly blog posters knew last year the final epic battle we were having with our school district and that we decided to pull him out of the district and place him in a special autism school where he has astounded and amazed everyone since August. In January, the school district wanted me to sign something that said I would not pursue legal action against them (I had until this coming August to make my decision whether or not I would do this). I told them to bite me via my advocate who obviously said it in much nicer words. We’ve been going back & forth since then and WEDNESDAY of this week, I went and had a meeting with them. They are officially going to pay it, provide speech therapy and transportation (I will now have 3 hours of my day freed back up to work for my employer), not to mention not having the 100-mile-per-day drive. We still need to meet one more time about occupational therapy, physical therapy and some assistive technology needs, but it sounds like they don’t want us back ever. We’ll have to meet with them yearly to re-sign all the paperwork, but this battle has been going on 7 years with them. Seven happens to be my lucky number. You guys on FB and Twitter knew, but I wanted to post here for anybody who has supported us that didn’t see it there. And unlike a mediation agreement or due process hearing, there is no blackout/gag order, so I’m free to talk about it. FANTASTIC NEWS, YES?

  35. Since “Apple” (Gwyneth Paltrow), “Zowie” (David Bowie), “Moon Unit” (Frank Zappa) and “Kyd” (David Duchovny) are taken, maybe your coworker should go with “Trevor Jr.” if it’s a boy, or “Katie” if it’s a girl.

    Speaking of auditions for characters on Transporter (yesterday’s blog), how about asking Frank Cassini to read for one of the regular or semi-regular parts. He’s amazing at looking like an evil bad guy.

    Patricia

  36. Oh…a baby name contest, I just LOVE those!

    I’m not maternal either, I think some folk like us are born without the gene. It’s not that I don’t like kids – although I couldn’t eat a whole one – it’s just that they spend all your money, and keep you up all night right up until they leave home!

    But as for names…For a Harry Potter fan, how about Harry, Dumbledore, Weasley, for a boy.

    Or Hermione, Lily,Bellatrix for a girl?

    Okay, if I MUST be sensible…I kind of like Ria or Alexis for girlie’s. and David, Virgil (Yes, I was a big Thunderbirds fan) and Jonathan for boys.

  37. Speaking of names, there was something I read in an old Reader’s Digest (probably back in the 80s or 90s). It was a while ago, so I’m just paraphrasing. A young woman was pregnant with her first child and was having trouble picking out a name. She was leaning toward one of those newfangled names but couldn’t decide, so she asked her mom how she picked names for all her siblings, and why all the names she picked were just ordinary names, like John. Her mom told her that whenever she was pregnant, she’d write down a list of names, then each day go out on the back porch and holler the name several times, as if calling a child in from play. If – after a dozen times or so – the name didn’t sound totally ridiculous, then that’s the one she’d choose.

    Keep that in mind next time you’re calling Lollipop and Rocketeer in for dinner.

    das

  38. “dogs do require a little more effort than kids”

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You’re hilarious, Joe. 😉

    And all babies don’t look alike. Boy howdy, have I seen some ugly ones! (But yes, also some with weapons-grade cuteness.)

    As for the baby naming contest, I give you…

    REGIS AGAMEMNON

    Done.

  39. Boy: Charles
    Girl: Sinéad

    On a unrelated subject, any plans to have a guest spot for the great Robert Picardo on the new show?

  40. girl: Rebecca, Sharon, Alexandria, Sarina, Aurora, Daria
    boy: Robert, Thomas, Phillipp, David, Artem, Milan, Noah

    you seriously have no sense for cuteness 🙁

  41. LMAO!! Okay, that is probably the single funniest thing, out of a lot of funny things, that you’ve written. And this coming from a parent. 😀

    As for names, I’d go with Even or Evangalina Coli (insert last name here). Then they could be E. Coli (insert last name here). Now Trevor might not like the idea of having a child with the last name of (insert last name here), but you have to admit that it would confuse the hell out of people at the DMV.

  42. @PBMOM

    I am so happy for you and Patrick and Mr. PBMom! An appropriate school environment is a wonderful thing. Not to mention transportation. Thanks for sharing the good news!

    A friend of mine here is getting ready to file due process for an appropriate private placement for her son. If the public school system doesn’t have a placement for him, why can’t they just admit it and spare everyone the expense of due process?

  43. I am going with the short abreviations as non genter to their formal long form.
    Sam, Joei, Pat, Tony, Raith,
    I do know some Thai friends as Benz, Geep, (but NOT VW).

    Thumbs up KB.

    Personnelly Joe I don’t think Babies are cute unless smiling and giggelin. Especially not funny when you are on a 3hr flight.

  44. @Noelm Even though they can’t legally say it, it all comes down to money. Our lawyer told us a due process case would cost $20,000-30,000 with no real guarantee of winning (and if we did not win, we’d have to pay that), and if we won and they SD appealed, it would cost more. This particular law firm that worked with this district actually turned around in another district and tried to get the parents to pay their legal fees after the parents lost (something our disgusting representatives in Washington put in reauthorization of IDEA to to stop frivolous lawsuits, but parents who go to due process aren’t asking for money for compensation, just things their child needs to make reasonable progress (never say the word “best”). I think this law firm did not know the extent of the crapola that went on last year & the district withheld information to him, with counsel does not like (especially when they hear it from the other’s side representation). After reviewing our case, I bet he decided that they had more to lose going to mediation or due process because I could have asked for repayment of the past year’s expenses, compensatory education, compensatory speech, OT, PT, plus the legal fees of what it would cost to go to due process from their law firm, plus my legal expenses because I’d likely be the 5% of parents who win in the state of Texas (50/50 rest of the country, 95/5 in Texas),and decided this was the cheaper option. I’ll be thinking of your friend. If I can help at all, let me know and I’ll post my email address here (if it is okay with Joe).

  45. Since Trevor works for you and Alexander, he needs to show his appreciation and gratitude. Therefore,

    Joseph Alexander
    Alexander Joseph
    Josef Alex

    Alexandria Jo
    Josephine Alexandria (Josie)
    Alexia JoJo
    Alexis Jolene
    Johanna Alexa

    I’m so disappointed someone said “No Harley!”. And here I was thinking
    Harley Davidson if it’s a boy. Best motorcycles around.

  46. @Shiny, sadly, she wasn’t. She used to talk about her “ugly baby” even back then. Now she jokes about how ugly he was, but she’s not joking about the ugly, because now he’s a cute kid, so she feels ok saying it now. But she’s definitely serious when she says it. It’s kinda funny.

  47. @Jenny Robin
    Your name suggestions made me laugh till the tears poured and I couldn’t breathe. Thank you for that. 🙂

    BTW – David Hewlett’s (Dr. Rodney McCay) son’s name is Sabastian. They call him Baz. He’s only three, so you can’t ask him if it gets him beat up at school, yet.

  48. I can’t have kids, so I never got to use the names that I’d picked out for the ones that I’d planned to have:
    Adam Luther ______
    Audra Christina _____

    ps> My mother said that I stopped being cute the day I learned to talk.

  49. Boy – Adam, (the following ones are first and middle names, but just the first name is also fine) Jack O’neill, John Sheppard, Eli Wallace,
    Girl – Natalie, Alice, Sara, (first middle names) Samantha Carter, Janet Fraiser
    Of course she needs to be indoctrinated with Stargate from age 2 or earlier.

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