While it’s certainly nice to be back enjoying the comforts of home, I really feel that not enough can be said about the relative comforts of a truly great hotel with its mini-bar, complimentary fruits, and pointless but nevertheless much-appreciated turn-down service. In fact, were money not an issue, I wouldn’t hesitate to switch my full-time residence to a room at the Tokyo Peninsula Hotel. Yes, it’s a great feeling to own furniture and pay property taxes, but there’s an even greater feeling that comes with standard use of one of those fancy motorized Japanese toilets. Of course things there weren’t perfect. I could never figure out the in-room temperature controls that only seemed to alternate between two settings, sweltering and bone-chilling, and the internet connection was frustratingly slow at times – but those were trivial inconveniences when weighed against the advantages of room service and a crack concierge staff capable of lining up everything from fancy dinners to exclusive nightclub outings. And, honestly, ask yourself how often do you leave your place in the morning and return later that day to discover your bed made, your towels replaced, and your toiletries carefully aligned? Or have a beautiful woman in a spotless white bellhop uniform wish you a good day on your way out the door? It’s the little things.
And I miss ’em.
Even though my days and nights were fairly full while in Tokyo, I did manage to catch some Japanese television. I don’t know how many times I’d be sitting there staring at the t.v. when I’d turn to, say, Akemi and ask her what I was watching. “Really?”she’d asked in amazement. “You’ve never heard of Smap Smap?”. Believe it or not, no. For those as in the dark as I was, SmapSmap is a five member singing group that have their own show. The basic premise has the group splitting into two teams of two and competing in a cook-off. Their dishes are judged by celebrities and the proceedings are hosted by the fifth (odd man out) member. Exile is another group that, as far as I could tell, didn’t have their own show but didn’t really need one because they seemed to appear on everyone else’s show. The group is made up of two singers and a bunch of dancers. This struck me as really bizarre given that the singers didn’t really do much dancing while the dancers didn’t do any singing. If these guys had a falling out, I suspect I know which ones would be more capable of carrying on the proud Exile tradition. And yet, according to Akemi, the group’s leader is one of the dancers (conveniently, always right up front during the group’s live performances). The group’s leader? That would be like me starting my own Joseph Mallozzi String Quartet by bringing together the actual quartet and then performing some interpretive dance moves while they played.
Also available on the hotel t.v. was the pay-per-view programming that offered, among its many options, adult programming. This I always found kind of weird. I mean, I’m sure many would consider this a discreet way to enjoy some racy entertainment, yet I can’t help but feel the opposite to be true. You may think “Aint no one gonna know.” but, in fact, the second you make that xxx-rated purchase, I’m fairly certain everyone knows. By the time you’re done and heading out for the night, you’ll be walking a gauntlet of hotel employees silently judging your predilection for Latinas with large posteriors. And who wants that? Or worse. Can you imagine the following exchange at check-out:
Woman at the Front Desk (going over my bill): Ohayo, Mallozzi-san. We hope you enjoy you stay with us and…oh…fucku firimu o mimashita ka?
Me: I’m…uh…sorry?
Woman at the Front Desk: Fucku firimu…Last night, you watch fucku film?
Me: Uh…I don’t think…I was trying to order Polar Express and may have made a mistake.
Woman at the Front Desk: No, no mistake. You press button.
Me: I’m not saying I didn’t, just that I may have done it by accident. I was actually trying to order a different movie. Tom Hanksu filmu?
Woman at the Front Desk: You watch for two hours, then rewind and watch again but fast-forward to good parts only. Tanoshikatta ne?
Me: Okay, can we just move this along?
My sis sent me the above pic along, asking me to ask all of you and your friend and family members to vote for Felx, my mom’s dog, here: http://www.hhofdogcontest.com/node/25113. He’s already got 101 votes and only needs another 660 000 to overtake the current highest vote-getter who, while cute, has suffered no commensurate indignity for the crown. Winning the grand prize would mean a lot to Felix who has accomplished very little since that high school equivalency diploma.
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