While it’s certainly nice to be back enjoying the comforts of home, I really feel that not enough can be said about the relative comforts of a truly great hotel with its mini-bar, complimentary fruits, and pointless but nevertheless much-appreciated turn-down service.  In fact, were money not an issue, I wouldn’t hesitate to switch my full-time residence to a room at the Tokyo Peninsula Hotel.  Yes, it’s a great feeling to own furniture and pay property taxes, but there’s an even greater feeling that comes with standard use of one of those fancy motorized Japanese toilets.  Of course things there weren’t perfect.  I could never figure out the in-room temperature controls that only seemed to alternate between two settings, sweltering and bone-chilling, and the internet connection was frustratingly slow at times – but those were trivial inconveniences when weighed against the advantages of room service and a crack concierge staff capable of lining up everything from fancy dinners to exclusive nightclub outings.  And, honestly, ask yourself how often do you leave your place in the morning and return later that day to discover your bed made, your towels replaced, and your toiletries carefully aligned?  Or have a beautiful woman in a spotless white bellhop uniform wish you a good day on your way out the door?  It’s the little things.

And I miss ’em.

Even though my days and nights were fairly full while in Tokyo, I did manage to catch some Japanese television.  I don’t know how many times I’d be sitting there staring at the t.v. when I’d turn to, say, Akemi and ask her what I was watching.  “Really?”she’d asked in amazement.  “You’ve never heard of Smap Smap?”.  Believe it or not, no.  For those as in the dark as I was, SmapSmap is a five member singing group that have their own show. The basic premise has the group splitting into two teams of two and competing in a cook-off.  Their dishes are judged by celebrities and the proceedings are hosted by the fifth (odd man out) member.  Exile is another group that, as far as I could tell, didn’t have their own show but didn’t really need one because they seemed to appear on everyone else’s show.  The group is made up of two singers and a bunch of dancers.  This struck me as really bizarre given that the singers didn’t really do much dancing while the dancers didn’t do any singing.  If these guys had a falling out, I suspect I know which ones would be more capable of carrying on the proud Exile tradition.  And yet, according to Akemi, the group’s leader is one of the dancers (conveniently, always right up front during the group’s live performances).  The group’s leader?  That would be like me starting my own Joseph Mallozzi String Quartet by bringing together the actual quartet and then performing some interpretive dance moves while they played.

Also available on the hotel t.v. was the pay-per-view programming that offered, among its many options, adult programming.  This I always found kind of weird.  I mean, I’m sure many would consider this a discreet way to enjoy some racy entertainment, yet I can’t help but feel the opposite to be true.  You may think “Aint no one gonna know.” but, in fact, the second you make that xxx-rated purchase, I’m fairly certain everyone knows.  By the time you’re done and heading out for the night, you’ll be walking a gauntlet of hotel employees silently judging your predilection for Latinas with large posteriors.  And who wants that?  Or worse.  Can you imagine the following exchange at check-out:

Woman at the Front Desk (going over my bill): Ohayo, Mallozzi-san.  We hope you enjoy you stay with us and…oh…fucku firimu o mimashita ka?

Me: I’m…uh…sorry?

Woman at the Front Desk: Fucku firimu…Last night, you watch fucku film?

Me: Uh…I don’t think…I was trying to order Polar Express and may have made a mistake.

Woman at the Front Desk: No, no mistake.  You press button.

Me: I’m not saying I didn’t, just that I may have done it by accident.  I was actually trying to order a different movie.  Tom Hanksu filmu?

Woman at the Front Desk: You watch for two hours, then rewind and watch again but fast-forward to good parts only.  Tanoshikatta ne?

Me: Okay, can we just move this along?

I love it when owners insist their pets "love to dress up!". Check out mom's dog, Felix. Does he look like he's enjoying himself?

My sis sent me the above pic along, asking me to ask all of you and your friend and family members to vote for Felx, my mom’s dog, here: http://www.hhofdogcontest.com/node/25113.  He’s already got 101 votes and only needs another 660 000 to overtake the current highest vote-getter who, while cute, has suffered no commensurate indignity for the crown.  Winning the grand prize would mean a lot to Felix who has accomplished very little since that high school equivalency diploma.

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Deni
Deni

Ok, I needed the laugh you provided tonight like you have no idea, so thank you! Consider Felix voted for! Have a great weekend!

kabra
kabra

Felix looks like he’s having a great time!!!! What dog wouldn’t in an outfit like that???

Can we vote more than once?

Margaret Clayton

That was the beauty of a couple hours “rest” at a Love Hotel, no one had illusions what you were doing. Of course, hubby and I used to go because the tubs were giant sized and we could warm up for a few hours. Our little house was drafty and uninsulated, very unromantic, and the kerosene fumes were oppressive. Sometime around mid-February, hey our anniversary… we’d go get a room. A two hour “rest” usually was enough, unless we wanted a “stay” then we’d wait until after 11 PM when the rates went down. The theme rooms were intriguing, but we never did spring for the jungle room with the steam closet or the Meadow for Love with the flower-bedecked swing. I do regret I never stole the sheets printed with the octopus and the fisherman’s wife.

There. Way too much information, you’re all very welcome.

susan the tartan turtle

I’ve voted for Felix and he looks handsome in his little outfit. I thought that you were being sarcastic about the 660,000 votes that the winner has received… but no! wink

In the UK some member of parliament tried claiming back the cost of hiring two ‘adult’ movies that her husband, who works for her, hired.

Hope that pugs and frenchies are well.

Thornyrose
Thornyrose

Only a totally insane person would not like to inhabit a four star hotel for a length of time. You forgot the laundry service availabe, so that when you come back you also have the ol’ whitey tighties folded along with the appropriate suit for the evening dinner. And of course there is the fitness room and pool that rarely have more than one other person actually using them at any given time. I have to admit though I’ve not enjoyed a hotel with a high tech toilet. but the jacuzzi suites at the Luxor, with the tubs-with-a-view have lots to recommend them.
Thanks for the huge laugh with the theoretical conversation. At least with the Japanese you don’t have the same types of sexual inhibitions found on this side of the Pacific.
Vote registered for the suffering puppy. So, when do we start talking Stargate again?

Sparrow_hawk

@maggiemayday: Thanks! Between your Love Hotel descriptions and Joe’s hotel porn checkout I nearly fell off my chair.

Joe, I can’t believe that after all the times you’ve been to Japan you’ve never heard of SMAP. I just looked up the Peninsula Hotel. I love hotel stays and after looking at the pictures of the place and its location, I can see why you miss it.

Gina
Gina

I’d love to see your interpretive dance..

Maybe the dogs could participate as well. Now that’s entertainment…

All kidding aside, I’m glad you had such a successful trip, but I’m sure you are very glad to be home. Were the doggies glad to see you or were they angry that you left them for so long?

Gina

DP
DP

Toronto science fiction author Peter Watts has put a significant amount of his own work on-line for free download.

http://www.rifters.com/real/shorts.htm

Don’t worry about the the cat pictures. It has something to do with a charity for taking strays to the vet.

Airelle
Airelle

Ok I voted, 132 I think I was, he is a cutie.
Welcome back Mr M. I hope you can teach the dogs that turn down,make up the bed stuff and leave a chocolate on my pillow, minus slobbers. They are pretty smart already, should be a snap. Good luck with that. I have read both the books already, Dec and Jan(slow month), but the trick will be to remember anything that I read when discussion time rolls around. and I just fiinished Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep..hmm, still not sure about that one. but ok none the less. Enjoy your weekend. A bit chilly and windy today in central Florida today, supposed to warm up a bit tomorrow and the next day, let’s hope.

DP
DP

Disemvoweling posts – an alternative to moderation

http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,1852747_1854195_1854185,00.html

Sis
Sis

Felix becomes completely catatonic when we dress him like this. No matter what position I put him in, he will stay still until I physically move him… not even offering him the cat’s food will make him budge. I think it’s the hat that makes him freeze. The boots he is used to wearing now that the snow is here.

Vote for Felix! Tell your friends, family… post him on your blog.

Shawna Buchanan
Shawna Buchanan

I voted. He is indeed a very cute dog, and the outfit is actually pretty adorable. I’m actually surprised at some of the dogs that are at the top currently–although a blue-eyed puppy eating a dandelion is probably about as cute as it gets.

Barbaro
Barbaro

I voted for Felix. How could I resist that sad face? It was a tad chilly (high of 28) in my part of PA today. Thankfully we have tents and heaters to work in outside so not really that bad.

Tammy Dixon
Tammy Dixon

Of course I voted for Felix-too cute! It’s nice to see a dog so well loved. Mostly I see abandoned/neglected dogs.

BUT How did your mom keep those shoes on him?

I saw an interview with Quentin Tarantino on Jay Leno and he was a guest judge on SmapSmap. He said they (the teams) take it very seriously. The losing team was not happy with him.

Stay warm!

T

me
me

Felix is now up to 161 votes.

JimFromJersey
JimFromJersey

Felix looks GREAT! And he got my vote. How does Momma Mallozzi keep the feeties on him? My dog always wants to chew em off.

fsmn36

Meh, I can tell you (as a former hotel worker), we’ve come to expect it and don’t even notice or care most of the time. The name of the movie doesn’t show up on most hotel bills (none I’ve ever worked at anyway, for exactly that reason) and we’re not going to remember it was you who ordered it unless you order it on the overnight shift and leave early in the morning while that same person is on and had to call down and have us adjust the transaction somehow (can you tell I’ve done that?). And even then, I usually didn’t “remember” the person.

I think the only one we all giggled over was the man who stayed nearly every weekend and was a member of a church group, yet ordered porn. That was noteworthy. You, as a regular guest, looking like a business man? Not at all noteworthy.

While I wouldn’t mind the luxury of a 4 star hotel, and fresh towels, knowing someone went into my “house” every day and that I would have to work out some sort of deal as to when I would leave for housekeeping and someone else knowing when and who I came and went with…no thank you. Plus, I get sick of eating out; I can’t imagine if that was every meal. I am simply too lazy to have to get dressed to eat lunch sometimes.

ZeroPointBatteries
ZeroPointBatteries

Mr. M,
I’m so glad you’re back, the time difference was quite confusing. I must say I was kind of dissapointed that there were no WFPOTD episodes this year, the icecream flavors from last year were great. Any idea when we will find out about season two for sure, and while we are on that note when is the break over for this season?

Love the pic of ur mom’s dog.
-ZPB

dasNdanger
dasNdanger

GUESS WHAT!!!! Guess what I did today!!!

I spent the entire afternoon in…

The EMERGENCY ROOM! Woo! Did dad have PA-monia again?? Nope.

Did das have a massive nosebleed again?? Nopers.

No – nothing as dull as all that. Instead, this time Mr. Das decided to put a brand-spankin’ new blade in his utility knife… (WARNING – NOT for the squeamish):

comment image

Joe – if you think that’s too icky, you can take out the link…personally, I thought it was pretty cool (though I think the doctor…AND Mr. Das…thought I was a bit morbid for taking the pics. Mr. Das kept calling me Abby (from NCIS – personally, I took it as a compliment! :D)

It’s been a long day, but I’ll share a quick ‘porn in a motel room’ story. Back in the 80s my mom, grandmom and I stayed in a seedy motel just outside of Philly. We wanted to stay at the Holiday Inn, but an elderly friend insisted we stay in this motel because it would be so much cheaper. She wasn’t kidding. Sunday morning we get up, and while my grandmother is in the bathroom, mom and I are trying to find the news, or something (I would have settled for Captain Kangaroo!).

Anyway…we flip to this one channel and…well…we couldn’t figure out what it was. We were literally tilting our heads to the side, trying to figure it out. Mom thought it was a dog. I thought maybe some kind of machine. Then suddenly we realized at the same time – it was an extreme close-up of…erm…ya know…that grown-up game, ‘hide the willy’. We both gasped, and changed the channel. Well, granny (who was 80-something at the time) called from the bathroom, ‘What are you carrying on about out there?’, to which we said she didn’t want to know, to which she replied, ‘What? Was it a show about natural childbirth?’ Mom and I roared, and said, ‘Nope…it was the thing that leads up to natural childbirth!’ Grandma didn’t believe they’d show such a thing on tv (for free, no less!), so we showed her…and, well…there is nothing I can say that could possibly describe the shocked/horrified/hell-condemning look on her face. It was hilarious, and quite priceless! And we never stayed in that motel ever again.

razz

das

CSESL
CSESL

You have my vote… smile 183 now…

Sparrow_hawk

@das: one word – OW!
I hope Mr. das is healing quickly. And “hide the willy”? Don’t think I’ve ever heard it called that before… wink

Ponytail
Ponytail

@ Das – I thought that was a pretty cool picture of your husbands hand too! But I can be wierd sometimes. I once accidentially stabbed my hand with a knife trying to get the wrapping off summer sausage, right at Christmas for a cheese/sausage/cracker tray. It took a long time to heal. It healed from the outside in. Kind of interesting…

ytimynona
ytimynona

@Das That reminds me of when Marty Gero cut his finger during the wrap party (or something… it seems like it was too long ago to have been the wrap party). And I would totally have taken pictures too… that’s too wicked not to share! Being called Abby is most definitely a huge compliment! grin

Has everyone been watching Castle? It seriously keeps getting better and better. But you hafta watch closely to catch the little clever lines of dialogue… about half go over my head the first time I watch each episode.

ytimynona
ytimynona

I hate room service and the maids at hotels! I find it incredibly creepy that they come in while I’m not there. While I love staying in hotels for up to about a week, it just gets old after that (and I start losing things…).

Alexander of Houston
Alexander of Houston

Well there is nothing wrong with a little bit of FAP…

Fap fap fap fap fap….

ahhh. done…

there you have it fapping.

How many good parts were there to the “movie?”