I was going to have a glass of absinthe tonight but the instructions on the packaging called for me to dissolve a sugar cube into the spirit with equal parts water. Sadly, I found no sugar cubes in the house and while I briefly considered going with some densely packed brown sugar instead, I ultimately decided to forego the absinthe altogether and have some maple liquor, a favorite of Lawren’s over the course of his dog-sitting stay. An excellent choice. It’s amber whiskey base enheartens a marriage of bold flavors – maple, caramel, and industrial plastic.

To those of you asking whether or not I’d received my 3 000 000th visitor yet, the answer is yes. But, like a 40-something year old guy increasingly reluctant to celebrate his next birthday, I’ve been paying little if any attention to the stats, chiefly because I can’t reconcile the wordpress numbers with my former blogspot numbers. So, the short answer is “Yes, I have surpassed the 3 000 000th visitor mark.” And the long answer is “If you add the statistics provided by both hosting sites, it’s fairly easy to conclude that…hey, this maple stuff goes down surprisingly smooth. And the unpleasant plastic aftertaste barely lingers. Oh, where was I? Oh, yeah. The stats. It’s like comparing apples to oranges or, more to the point, Granny Smiths to Gala’s – although those enormous navel oranges to the little mandarin oranges would probably be even better now that I think of it. Ooopsy. My glass is empty. Be right back.”

What was I talking about?

Anyway, looks like I’ll be stuck at home tomorrow, waiting for the plumber to show. About a month ago, the sump pump downstairs started making this incessant pinging noise. I thought I’d solved the problem by having Lawren remove the battery but apparently not. For the past few nights, I’ve been hearing strange whooshing and dribbles emanating from somewhere above my bedroom. I figure it’s either a piping problem or those supernatural squirrels that assume a liquid state to escape predators. Whichever the case, I’m sure the plumber will be in a better position to tackle it.

Hey, Das – as a special get-well bit of info, I thought I’d let you know that I’m thinking of incorporating the occasional graphic novel into the Book of the Month Club mix. I’ve already spoken to one author/creator and plan on contacting a few more. Should be interesting.

Hmmm. I thought a drink would loosen me up creatively. Instead, it’s just made me sleepy. And given me a bit of a headache. Maybe I’m not drinking enough.

47 thoughts on “January 25, 2009: Why I’d Make A Terrible Alcoholic

  1. Congratulations, I thought we were going for 2 million, but now it’s 3?

    Re the alcohol: I think you should drink more often, you’re extra fun when you’re liquored up. 😀

    Re: birthdays. Just pick an age you want to be and that’s it, you don’t get any older. Of course, it should be somewhat believable – no point saying you’re 23. What do you say to 36? Then we’ll systematically go around the entire Internet adjusting your date of birth. Easy fix!

    Cheers, Chev

  2. Joe you are a lot of fun all liquored up. You did better than me. Half way through a drink and I start to spin.

  3. Some VERY disappointing news coming out of the P4 con… I am very sad now. I think others have asked you about it, but I bet you are kind of sad too. 🙁
    Also, how can they guarantee SGU 2 seasons when not one episode has aired yet?
    Very confusing.

  4. God, Joe…you must either really want me to get better, or REALLY want to kill me… 😆

    Is this your way of weaning me off’a flowing-locked, leather-clad bugmen, by enticing me with picture books into joining your little cabal?? God…if so, you ARE the Ultimate Evil! I mean, if I start reading actual BOOKS, then…aaarrggghhh!…what would I do? Who would I be?! Just another notch in your mahogany bookcase??

    You scare me, Mallozzi, you really, really do.

    But I still look forward to the challenge! 😉

    das (and yes…I SHOULD be in bed…but an entire day of inactivity and naps has left me not-so-surprisingly WIDE awake. 😛 )

  5. You only need to get older to run for offices, rent cars, or buy cigarettes in Alabama and Alaska. Otherwise it’s the anniversary of your last acknowledged birthday (e.g. the twenty-second anniversary of your twenty-fifth birthday) or, if you would rather celebrate “Joe Is Awesome Day,” you may do so without any indication of your age.

    Maple syrup alcohol? I gotta get me some.

  6. Joe slowly step away from the green fairy, it’s not worth it. We need you to keep your ears. Matter of fact have Fondy take it out of the house and come back in with a good Ouzo. No wait your Italian my bad… have Fondy come back in with a good Sambuca.

  7. Well I for one will be sending you some sugar lumps because I would love to read your blog with you hitting the old Absinthe, this one was funny enough, I’ll get my support strapping on for an Absinthe blog!

    Another week another nervous breakdown.

  8. Have another *hic* drinkypoo mate! It’s Australia Day, so any excuse for a Canadian who has Aussie blogviewers eh?

  9. For those interested, Pop Culture Zoo have an interview with Amanda Tapping. She talks about Sanctuary and Stargate.

    Just something to whet your appetite.

    “I remember we were at Don Davis’ memorial and I was standing in his kitchen with his wife, Ruby, and Joe Mallozzi said “We’re naming the ship the General Hammond.” And we all just lost it.”

    Pop Culture Zoo

    Cheers, chev

  10. Well what about the Haggis? Did you try it? Did you film it? Because I figure if we can get you to eat Haggis then ‘Weird Food Purchase of the Day : Black Pudding’ isn’t far off!!

  11. Hi there Mr M!

    Keep away from the Absinthe….Not nice at all!!

    May I suggest (as per Mr Momoa and indeed Mr Anderson) some Guinness?!! This remarkable brew (first brewed here in Ireland) celebrates its 250th Anniversary this year. Whilst (thankfullly) none of that original first porter survives (I don’t fancy 250 year old beer) they have remained faithful to that family held recipe for the last quarter-millenium. I appreciate that it’s an acquired taste.

    Glad to see you had such a great meal in Fuel. Am saddened that you cannot make the Fuel dinner this year. I too am unable to attend Vancouver this year, (I am still doing dishes to make up for last April’s excursion…) This year the whole family are going to Sunny Spain for some R+R in July…. factor and hats essential!!

    Just finished re-reading Scalzi’s “Old Man’s War”… a truly great book which deserves a second reading. I sincerely look forward to his input on SGU.

    Keep meaning to ask: Any bites from the LA Pilot Season trip last year??

    Best to all


    PS: What was that whole “Fight Club Challenge” thing with Carl Binder??

  12. Joe you should definitely get some proper Haggis. It’s wonderful stuff, like very rich lamb. Got to have it with neips and tatties though (Turnip and potatoes to you and me).
    Enjoy 😉

  13. Supernatural squirrels? Are they friends with the illiterate raccoons? You certainly have some unusual wildlife.

    I plan on steering away from absinthe. It doesn’t sound all that attractive…I think it’s a “fad” thing because it was banned.

  14. B Angel, WHAT sad news??? Mr. M, I find the idea of doing graphic novels interesting. Certainly that would free up some time for me to attack my stack of unread books. And from the sounds of it, you should try sampling your array of liquors more often. Enjoy the joys of waiting for the repairman, who will most likely live in a time dilation field, meaning he’ll be right over while you wait an eternity.

  15. No no no, it’s not the drinking. It’s HOW you drink!

    Mix 4 parts of Red Bull with 1 part of vodka – take the good stuff unless you want a hangover, Nemiroff or Kristall or whatever your quality brand is over there in the USA. Drink it (not on an empty stomach). The Vodka drags you down while the Red Bull picks you up, meaning you can keep drinking without getting tired.

    Most importantly – don’t mix with any other alcohols, unless you’re looking for a hangover. There’s a reason rum with vodka together is called a Brown Bear – it takes out even a brown bear – and champagne with vodka is called a Polar Bear – the hangover kills even polar bears.

    If you are looking to get really drunk, and you have like-minded friends, here’s a fun game to play. It’s also called a “Brown Bear”.
    You fill a bowl with pure vodka. Then you sit round the table and each person, taking turns, drinks 1 shot from the bowl, replentishing the bowl with 1 shot of rum, whiskey or cognac instead – sometimes even dark beer is used. The alcohol used for replentishing needs to be brown, that’s basically it. I guess you could even play it with cola if you’re a real sissy.
    When the liquid turns brown, the game leader declares: “The brown bear has come!”
    This is a time at which anyone not feeling well can go to the toilet, eat something, pass out or quit the game without losing their money if they wish.
    Next, the rules are turned around. People take 1 shot of the brown drink from the bowl, replentishing it with 1 shot of vodka.
    When the liquid in the bowl is (almost) clear again, who ever is still conscious by this point declares “The brown bear has left!”, takes the money and the game is over.
    However, when played with rum or other distilled beverages, the game is rarely played to the end. In that case, the person who is still able to stand up when no one else can wins.

  16. This is really in regards to yesterdays post. Haggis is in fact, delicious. If you like a tortiere then you will more than likely like haggis because they taste very similar. People tend to get hung up on how it is made and all that stuff but it is very good.
    I find that the ones made in Scotland do not taste much different than the ones made here so you aren’t really missing out on a huge difference.
    Please let us know if you like it or not!

  17. Joe,

    Thanks for the dedication on Friday! I would never spam you. Much. Just offered my suggestion on a nice new 4×4 for you and the dogs.

    Happy Monday.

  18. Hello Joe,

    I’ve just read that the SGA movie is temporarily shelved. Is there any truth to that?


  19. Hehe you remind me of why I shall never ever ever consume alcohol: I’m crazy enough without it!!!
    Hooray for 3 million and counting 😀

  20. Step away from the absinthe its not worth it! 🙂

    If the drink is not making you more creative then its not the amount but the drink, be creative with the drink and your mind might follow…or you will pass out.

    Question you can feel free to ignore: I am a UK actress (24yrs) currently without representation, how would I get my info on the SG table?

  21. hey Joe can you answer some questions that are currently flying around the gateworld fourn.

    1. Is it true that the SGA movie is on hold?
    2. If so, What about the SG1 movie?
    3. Has SGU been given a 2 season order?

  22. umm, ok, first you go without sugar and now you look for drinks with heavy sugar in it.

    I thought you were going to make a liquid edition of the weird food purchase of the day.

  23. I am back. Just saw some info on the SGA movie that was not making me happy. It is being said that SGA was being put on hold, is this true? I don’t know the people writing this stuff which is why I am asking you direct. They are saying that if SGU doesn’t do well you might not make the movie. God I hope that isn’t true.

  24. If you do graphic novels you gotta include The Losers just for the cover art alone.

    Unfortunately one of the things that gets me revved to write is exercise. After 20 minutes of disconcerting leaping, jumping and twisting to TurboJam I will invariably get jazzed up to write, even coming up with ideas for projects that I’ve been stymied on. And worse yet if I overdo the sugar I get mushy headed and can’t write to save my life.

    It’s cruel but eating healthy and exercising can actually boost brain power. I know, it totally sucks. I could so go for a bucket of colorful chewy Dots. I know they taste like sugary gobs of window cleaner but I’m addicted to movie candy. I don’t even need the movie, just give me some Raisenettes and I’m good to go.

    My current writing project is coming out at a miserable trickle so I’ve had to buckle down and not count licorice as a fruit in order to speed up. My new revised deadline is Feb 15, it makes my brain hurt to think how close that is. I don’t know if it’s the cold weather but I feel like I’m moving in slow motion while the world speeds by and I keep having to ask for extension after extension. Maybe it’s the cold weather? Worm holes? Global warming?

  25. Maple? Way too sweet for my taste. I hope you didn’t wake up with a headache.

    In some ways, I’m glad that they’ve pushed the SGU start off a little. Gotta get it right, don’t you think? Please tell us that the SGA rumors are false though. You know how rumors are.

  26. I agree joe you should get some haggis and serve it with neeps and potatoes traditionally in scotland a good scotch is served with the Haggis, me personally i like a good Guiness with the dish and a good Whisk(e)y afterwards..


    Whisky Scottish and Whiskey Irish just to confuse you.

  27. @shiny if you are ever in VA stop by the store. In aisle 2 we have Snowcaps, Dots, Junior Mints, Sour patch kids, Mike & Ikes, an assortment of Gummies, lemon heads, and Whoppers on one side. The other side of the aisle is dedicated to writing supplies and antacid.

  28. Ok a whole new tangent here and i know my inner anorak is a bit on the tardy side but do you think there is any future possibilities of this happening with SG1/A/U?


    Gotta love the fans dude! and the movie itself is a real blast from the past who needs a chrono-shed!

    and on a completely different tangent again, this made me chortle muchly and guffaw even


    and how it began:-

    which is actually funnier than the verse.

    erm, bring food and drink it could be a LONG night LOL

  29. Joe, I nominate das as your graphic novel consultant.

    @shiningwit: Inner anorak? I thought an anorak was a hoodie of sorts.

  30. Haggis is delicious, it’s one of my favourite dishes!

    (but you don’t have to believe me, I’m French, I love oisters, snails and frog legs XD)

    I wondered wether you were going to continue to put music with an “orchestra” feeling for SGU, or if it will be more eclectic (like in “Vegas”) ? Or maybe you don’t know yet…

    Oh, and please, please, will you write a gay character in SGU who doesn’t die right after his/her coming-out? If the character is written as gay from the beggining and if the show is, as you said, more character-centric, well there will be no “WTF moment” as you put it (although for me the biggest “WTF moment” happened everytime Carson made a move toward a woman…I mean, CARSON! I can’t think of any campiest character in Scifi, and yes, I count Torchwood characters in the lot. So Carson kind of became my own personal symbol for “closet”, and I don’t really mind because I’m still in it ^^)

  31. For those of you who have gone up to Vancouver…could you please recommend some stuff for me and my sister to do on my birthday trip the 13th-17th of Feb. I am already going to Fuel on the 14th my birthday. I would love to get a picture outside of the studio but I have no idea where that is. I would love to really experience the town while I am there…so any ideas would be greatly welcomed. And as for the absinthe—can I really try some up in Canada?

  32. Hi Joe,

    as a recent addition to the 3 000 000 visitors I’d like to thank you for this blog. It makes a great read (doesn’t quite beat Pratchett, though… 😀 ). I am looking forward to hear more about SGU.
    Here (that is Germany, as you may have guessed) Atlantis is still running strong, and it is sad to know there are only five seasons to it. Anyway, a new show with more space for secondary characters will be much appreciated. This is coming from someone who’s always looking out for Zelenka and Beckett on Atlantis. Great fun, and almost too cute.

    Will stop rambling now, just wanted to say a heartfelt thank you for this blog.

    Take (better) care of yourself (what IS that stuff you’re drinking there?).
    And keep us in the loop!

  33. I’ve also heard the rumours about the SGA movie. I’m worried that if it is true and the movie is delayed then we might never get it at all.

    Has the financial situation affected SGU or the SG1 movie?


  34. Dear Sir,

    I am still alive and happy to be. Last Thuesday Jan the 24th my heart stopped because of electric mal function ( syncopes in french) While at the emergency in the hospital my heart stopped for more than 15 seconds. Now I lived with a pacemaker !
    God saved my life BUT Stargate and Atlantis helped me to pass the time in the hospital during those long days. I watched many episodes with my laptop.

    So thanks to all of you again for your entertainment

  35. @ Sparrow_hawk – Oh, I think Joe’s better in the graphic novel area. *Usually* graphic novels are considered more serious ‘comics’ – some published in book form and never in single issue form – aimed at a more mature audience with a more complex storyline…not the stuff I read. I just read Marvel (for the most part), and though I’ve tried other styles, I keep finding myself right back to superhero stories, which – with a few exceptions – usually don’t earn the coveted ‘graphic novel’ title when collected together, but instead just get called ‘trade paperbacks’.

    So, this will be a challenge for my new arch-nemesis…erm…I mean, our dearest Joe…to find a graphic novel that meets my standard of having at least one ‘bam!’, ‘pow!’, ‘thwip!’, or ‘snikt!’ printed somewhere within its pages. 😉

    And guess what? I started reading Elric of Melniboné today! Woo! Just a little, while I was at the doctor’s – but so far, so good! It will be my ‘out and about’ book for now, the one I take with me to waiting rooms and anywhere else I don’t feel like engaging in conversation…at least until I fully catch up with my comics at home, which – at the rate I’m going – will be soon. My folks said I can work from home for a while, which is good, and this time of year I’m just working on tax stuff anyway, so plenty of time to catch up with the rest of my comics.

    God…all this reading…my head is gonna POP!

    (I hope you’re happy, Joe. 😡 And stop with the Dick Dastardly mustache-twirling and Muttley snicker!)



  36. Heya Joe,

    The key to being a good alcoholic… practice, practice, practice. Don’t give up, you can do it! Despite recent times of me drinking hardly at all, I’d be willing to give that up, get back on it and act as a mentor. Because I care.

    das – no wonder you were feeling crappy. Rest up!

    For all of those shivering your bits off, check out our forecast for the next few days.

    Today – 38 degrees Celsius (100 Fahrenheit)
    Wednesday – 41 degrees Celsius (105 Fahrenheit)
    Thursday – 40 degrees Celsius (104 Fahrenheit)
    Friday – 40 degrees Celsius (104 Fahrenheit)
    Saturday – 40 degrees Celsius (104 Fahrenheit)

    Pretty toasty huh? But I won’t complain, because come Winter-time I’d much rather complain about the cold.

    With hot overnight temperatures as well, the arcade table is getting moved out onto the decking, the fridge has been stocked and the 3metre inflatable pool is glistening with it’s cool beauty.

  37. Hello Joe!

    When can we hear some news about the female cast of SG:U?

    How many female character will be in the crew of Destiny?

    Do you have an exact number of the complete Destiny crew or will you introduce new, ealier unseen people as the story needs them?

    When can we expect some official team and set photos?

    Did you plan the fate of the main and secondary characters for seasons ahead? Is there any chance to have a flash-forward type episode?

    Will every gate system have an own chevron color? Will you keep the old gate size and form? Some fans worried about this after the short teaser trailer.

    How long will the team stay in the same galaxy? I ask this, because if they fly only through them, than how will you introduce recurring enemies and allies? Will they follow them through the gate system or by ships?

    Will you tell us some new episode names?

    Sanctuary season 2 will begin October 9th, than Universe’s double premiere will be aired on October 2th?

    Is there any chance that Kari Wuhrer (Nancy Sheppard) will be in SG:U? Maybe the role of Camilla Wray could be re-written to her. 🙂

    Can you name some popular non-SG actor, who will be guest star for season 1?



  38. Hubby just left with a suitcase full of tools for a day-trip interstate for work.

    Our Ridgeback x Bullmastiff sees a suitcase and thinks he’s going away for a while.

    I’m typing this from under our 46kg dog.

    He’s feeling a little vulnerable and sitting on me seems to make him feel better.

    I think he just ruptured my spleen…

  39. Hay Joe
    Speeking as a confirmed Alcoholic I have to say whiskey over absinthe any day hope you enjoyed the hangover.
    I hope your plumber sorted out your problems sounds serious.

    I was woundering if there is any pictures of the SGU stargate?.

    Also I hope SGA movies are not put on hold it was the hope of most fans that it would be started soon.

    Also is the Gen Hammond ship going to feature in any of the movies or SGU?

  40. Questions for Joe:

    1) Was Lawren’s enjoyment of the maple liquor affected by his dog-sitting duties? Or vice-versa?

    2) After the Q&A with Paul Mullie, it has become public knowledge that your office is 7in. shorter than his. Estimating your offices at 8ft high and 8ft wide, that means a deficit of 7/12 x 8 x 8 = approx. 37 cu. in.!! When do you plan to duel him for this slight to your honor? Or will you go the peaceful route and work out a time-share?

  41. Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

    I will remember not to add URLs to the comments.

  42. Still catching up.

    Supernatural squirrels…who told you about that?

    My plans to destroy the world one water system at a time have been fumbled by your big ole sneaky fingers!


Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.