My French bulldog, Lulu, hates it when I sleep in. In that respect, she reminds me a lot of my mother who, when my sister and I were teenagers, used to rouse us out of bed by serenading us with early morning hymns. Not so much hymn-singing in Lulu’s case, but a lot of outraged yips, yaps, and growls as she springs up and down beside me, occasionally grabbing a mouthful of sheet in an attempt to tug me off my mattress. This is particularly annoying on weekends and holidays because: a) it is my only opportunity to sleep in and, b) Fondy has already fed her and taken her out so she has no reason to wake me up outside of pure spite. Although I’m an admittedly persistent sleeper, her determination inevitably wins out in the end and so I crawl out of bed, tired and cranky, brush my teeth and head downstairs – where I discover Lulu fast asleep in the living room. And despite my own determined efforts to prod HER awake, she proves an even more persistent sleeper.
In retrospect, this particular morning saw the Gonzaga Bulldogs in NCAA action, so that may have had something to do with it. But, alas, it’s been a bad weekend for bulldogs, not to mention owls, eagles (Golden or otherwise), jaguars, wildcats, huskies, and, uh, retrievers. Looks like Lulu’s last hope is Butler.
My lintmuffin account received an email from a Mrs. Nelly Nwagod who was contacting to remind me about the $550 000 I was owed. $550 000?! It rings a bell. Just in case it had slipped my mind, Mrs. Nwagod was kind enough to refresh my memory – and suggest I get in touch with her lawyer to help expedite the transaction. Percival H. Lintmuffin sent her legal representative the following response:
“Dearest Mr. Williams,
I received an email from a Mrs. Nelly Nwagod informing me of some developments in a business matter I have absolutely no memory of ever having taken part in. That said, simply because I can’t remember it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen as I’ve been incredibly absentminded of late, misplacing my house keys, my glasses, and my meandering nephew Jibarki over the course of one recent afternoon (Thank God I found the house keys or I would‘ve really been screwed!). So I suppose it shouldn’t be all that surprising that a $550 000 transaction would slip my mind. However, sitting back and re-reading the email, I was able to recall some elements of the deal that were not covered in Mrs. Nwago’d correspondence. For instance, I believe the sum I am owed is more like $750 000. And, in addition to the cash, I was also promised a Nintendo Wii, six cases of malt liquor, a new liver, and your undying friendship. Does any of this ring a bell? I sure hope so.
Get back to me to confirm.
Percival H. Lintmuffin”
I was blessed with yet another stroke of good fortune when my alter-ego, Margaret Quibble, also received an email informing her of a big pay-out. Apparently, she won 1 000 000 euros in a lottery. And she didn’t even half to purchase a ticket to do it. As Mr. Pete Burren at the claims department explains: “No ticket were sold but it is to encourage internet users.” Fab! Margaret wrote back:
Mercy me, this is wonderful news. I thank you for awarding me this prize and also commend you for doing your part to help garner interest in the internet, one of the world’s most woefully overlooked and underutilized resources. I would hope that my cashing in these 1 000 000 euros will, in some small way, help steer people out of their local libraries and parks, away from their friends and families, and into the solitary comforts of a dimly lit room where they can discover the joys of surfing for hairless monkey porn and cute cat pictures.
Keeping it real,
Let’s hit the mailbag –
Elizabeth S. writes: “1. Have you ever read The Stolen Bacillus and Other Incidents by H.G. Wells? 2. Have you read any of the Fandemonium Stargate novels?”
Answers: Sorry. 1. No. 2. Nope.
Annie from Freemantle writes: “What you can do if they don’t make it to the dvd is just make it available to us via the net. Simple.”
Answer: If this issue isn’t resolved, the bloopers/outtakes will never be made public. Sorry.
Dovil writes: “Do the actors have to sign off on them as well?”
Answer: Most definitely.
Kelly writes: “Anyway, when Teal’c showed up he was wearing his jaffa clothes, not an SGC uniform.”
Answer: I wouldn’t read anything into that. There were plenty of times on SG-1 when Teal’c, still a member of the team, headed off-world in his ceremonial Jaffa garb.
Zabadoo writes: “1.) Even though you probably don’t plan on having an episode involving Lt.Ford in season 5, do you think it’s possible to bring him back ever again? Ever?
2.) When you keep the Replicator storyline going without Torri Higginson, are you going to write in a possible chance for Ms.Higginson to play her character again, or is she done for good?”
Answers: 1) Is it possible? Hey, this is science fiction. Theoretically, anything is possible. 2) See the preceding response.
Tiger’s eye writes: “Myself, I found your blog when looking up “alien probes” +cartman +producers.”
Answer: And I bet my blog was at the top of the list.
Elizabeth S. also writes: “Well, I don’t know about lightning but we could start a petition vote thing, like everyone who thinks the bloopers should be kept leave a comment saying that they’d like the bloopers to remain. If there were enough responses, it could work.”
Answer: Actually, no it wouldn’t. The studio is already onboard. In fact, it’s been something they’ve been wanting to do for a while now.
MizMoose writes: “The best sushi I’ve had so far in my life was in San Diego. Where’s the best you’ve found ever (so far)?”
Answer: The big restaurant at the heart of the Tsukiji Market in Tokyo, Japan.
Stephanie writes: “I haven’t even caught up on the entire series yet (not even close, really), but I think it is safe to say that I’m teetering precariously on the edge of the black hole that is Sci-Fi Geekdom, and I’m embracing every minute of it!”
Answer: Awesome. Now all you have to do is start join our Book of the Month Club and my work here is done.