I’ve been busy: working on my producer’s cut of Kindred I, doing a polish on Martin Gero’s already great Harmony script, and dealing with miscellaneous publicity/production issues – but still managed to find time to send off two emails to my Nigerian penpals –
The first was to Martin Holme who wrote back, apparently unfazed by Baron Destructo’s request to swing by his offices personally to pick up that $950 000 check, and requested a copy of the Baron’s passport – for security purposes of course. Baron Destructo wrote back:
“ Dear Human Vermin,
I hope this email finds you well. Regarding your request for passport information, please stand advised that none of our members possess international passports as we do not make use of commercial airliners, preferring instead to travel via rocket boots, teleportation, hover disc, anti-gravity belt, or the League’s own shadow scram jets and death cruisers. My representatives will require neither an airport reception nor any hotel accommodations as they are under strict orders to fully decimate the entire area once they have collected the payment and then immediately return to the moonbase for a post-massacre celebration.
Please forward us your address at your earliest convenience so that we may decide how best to annihilate your offices and the surrounding areas.
As always, thank you for keeping the dream alive.
Sincerely,
Baron Destructo
Cc: Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.”
That got me a little nostalgic for old ailing Ali, my very first scammerific penpal. We’d lost touch over time and so last night, just for the hell of it, I sent off the following to his last known address:
“ Dear Ali,
It’s your old buddy Aloysius P. Hazzencockle! I hope this email finds you unwell and not quite dead yet and, hopefully, still in possession of your laptop computer as, I’m sure, your relatives and the hospital staff are anxiously circling your property in anticipation of your long overdue demise. I’m reminded of a similar situation several years back when me and my fellow siblings spent the greater part of a long weekend painstakingly reviewing my grandmother’s assets and splitting them into fair and equal shares, only to learn the following Tuesday that she had, in fact, recovered from her bout of pneumonia and would not be dying after all. At fifty-seven, she was still a fighter, God bless her, and proved an inspiration to us all in her subsequent spirited battle to regain her health, her quality of life, and her personal effects. I’m proud to say that my dear grandmother displayed great fortitude and determination to the very end (it took six interns to get her out of her apartment and into that retirement center!). Well, even though many years have come and gone, I’ll always have fond memories of my time with nana and sometimes, if I close my eyes and listen very carefully, I can still hear her voice calling out to me from her room on the third floor of the old folks home located across the street from my place. Occasionally, she’ll even wave to get my attention. Then I usually just close the bathroom window.
In any case, I’m touching base with you because it seems that UPS has misplaced a package intended for the orphanage and I was just wondering if you may have received it by accident. Off the top of your head, do you recall accepting delivery of a shipment of crocodiles within the past two weeks? If so, please let me know.
Sincerely,
Aloysius P. Hazzencockle”
I also found time to swing by set (check out the pics including snaps of super director Andy Mikita and the ever-gracious Herb, CJ’s stand-in) AND answer some of your questions…
Tanya writes: “…so i wanted to know if you are going to be around… I would love to meet you…”
Answer: Let me know what day you’ll be around and I’ll come on down.
Teyilia writes: “1) do you guys even have the finale written yet? 2) when you say ‘five acts and a teaser’ is the Teaser BEFORE the five acts start? or before?”
Answers: 1) It’s in the process of being written. 2) The teaser comes before the five acts.
Stargate Groupie writes: “I was just wondering if I could get your permission to post some of your behind the scenes pictures on our Stargate Facebook Fansite?”
Answer: Sure, go nuts.
Amy writes: “ I was wondering if the next blog could be dedicated to me. I severely strained my neck at work today…”
Answer: Sure. Today’s blog is dedicated to you.
Erin Anderson writes: “Hey it’s my birthday tomorrow, can I get a blog dedicated to me?”
Answer: And you.
Wolfen writes: “Tomorrow (the 21st) is my birthday…”
Answer: And you.
Jill_Ion writes: “ Cc: Mike Nelson Destroyer of Worlds, Simon the Gassy Dog, MAXX, 007.5, Pie-Eating Pi, Sarah the Bare Bear, Weepy the Crying Hero, and Yawwwwwwni”
Answer: And you.
Nathan writes: “I read Pandora’s Star this past December. So did you enjoy it or, like me, you found it to be tediously long and uninspiring?”
Answer: I thought that the chapters dealing with the evolution and expansion of the alien race were truly brilliant.
Connor writes: “Hello Mr. Mallozzi. I was wondering if you read the fan boards for the show at televisionwithoutpity.com? Also, is there any way I could get your autograph?”
Answers: I don’t. What am I missing? As for that autograph – are you planning to attend MallozziCon later this year? If so, you can get one there.
Iamza writes: “Out of curiosity, will we learn anything new and surprising about the replicators this season?”
Answer: Possibly.
Paula writes: “Bates: Still in a coma?”
Answer: Nope.
Anonymous #1 a ecrit: “ 1. Est-ce que tous les Wraiths ont des tatouages ? 2. Est-ce que l’on va découvrir la signification de ceux-ci? Ttod. 3. C’est vraiment son nom Wraith ? Je croyais que vous ne pouviez pas donner de nom aux wraiths car vous ne l’aviez pas fait dès le début. 4. Auriez-vous changé d’avis ? Si oui, 5. va t’on découvrir le nom d’autres Wraiths ?6. est-ce qu’il va y avoir une réelle amitié entre Todd et un membre de l’équipe d’Atlantis?
Reponses: 1) Non. 2) Non. 3) Non. 4) Non. 5) Non. 6) Une réelle? Non.
Arctic Goddess writes: “… there a move toward fewer episodes on Scifi, and do you see Atlantis and the new series going that way?”
Answer: Nope.
Jason writes: “Do you ever pre-write any of your blog entries, like restaurant reviews and then use those when you don’t have anything newsworthy from on set or don’t have time on a particular day to write an entry?”
Answer: There are days when I’m unusually prolific and write, among other things, restaurant reviews, responses to scammers, and miscellaneous write-ups, then save one or two for later in the week. Pics are the same way as I’m am presently sitting on a slew of on-set snaps.
Zabadoo writes: “1.)Do you think we’ll be seeing Earth a lot in the new Stargate Universe spin-off? 2.)When Brad and Rob start working on that, do you think you will stick with Atlantis and stay as show-runner on it, or do you think Brad and Rob have other plans for you? 3.)Are you a Batman Begins fan? If so, what do you think about The Dark Knight?”
Answers: 1) Possibly. 2) If it gets a fifth season pick up, I’m hoping to be working on Atlantis next year. 3) I loved the first half.
Sikie writes: “I think that Stargate in general and especially Atlantis lacks Real Aliens.”
Answer: No, no, I‘m pretty sure that pretty much all of the aliens on Stargate have been fake.
Pauline writes: “Can you tell me is there anything about your work that you dislike?”
Answer: Yes. Sometimes the caterers serve orange roughy for lunch.
Anonymous #2 writes: “ Is Fondy short for something else, or is that your wife’s full name?”
Answer: Fondy is her first name and not short for anything.
Leave a Reply