Yesterday, I received a follow-up email from James Williams himself: “How are you? Can i know what is goin on that you have not respond back to my mail your urgent replay is needed to my mail with out any kind of delay okay.”
I sent off my response:
“James Williams not respond to Cookie Monster first! You remember deal? James Williams pay $480 and he get date with Miss Piggy? She like meaty boys and James Williams built like giant ham hock with legs. Is perfect for Miss Piggy. But maybe Miss Piggy not perfect for James Williams. Maybe James Williams no like shakin’ bacon?
Is okay because Cookie Monster get $480 from old friend Kermit. He t.v. star. Had own show for long time is Muppet Show. When Kermit first start, said to everyone on Sesame Street: “Hey, me make show. Who want to be in?” Everybody say no tanks. So Kermit have brilliant idea. What make audience laugh hardest? Dat right. Drug addik and crazy people. So Kermit visit all skeevy alleys around Sesame Street and “cast” F-up muppets: Animal (heroin), Swedish chef (preskription drug), Gonzo (delusional), Crazy Harry (psykotik), cranky old men (Alzeyemer), Beaker (crystal meth). Yes, dey F-up – but still hilarious! Muppet Show become big hit. Cookie Monster no can believe. Big drunk Fozzie Bear once share garbage can with Oscar now have mansion in Malibu! Kermit own Bentley even though little green legs no can reach pedals!
Anyhoo, Cookie Monster send money soon.”
But hours later, I received a not-so-official-looking email from The Federal Bureau of Investigation (sic). It informed me that the FBI’s “intelligency network” had “screemed through monitoring” and assures me that “the transaction you have with Federal High Court of Nigeria, is noting but legal”, advising me to go ahead and deal with Barrister James Williams. In closing: “And we will want you to netified him very well because of the scamer peopel in there country so we are direction you now to contacte him only truht his cantact…” Hmmm. The email made a lot of sense. Well, the parts that made sense anyway. Could I have been wrong about James Williams? Cookie Monster wrote him back:
“Cookie Monster have $480 and about to send to James Williams. But den receive email from FBI – Federal Bureau of Investigation. Not Investigation with “S” but Investigation. Only one investigation? Maybe not so busy? FBI email say okay to trust James Williams, but it have more spelling mistake den Snuffleupagus letter to parole board.
Me not stupid monster. Me tink James Williams very suspicious. Very handsome, but very suspicious. Maybe James Williams shakin’ Cookie Monster bacon! Is true?”
Cookie Monster anxiously awaits his response.
Susan the Turtle writes: “ I take it a Doggy Spa is just a posh doggy grooming place. Or is Fondy going into hydro therapies, massages, little matching outfits etc?”
Answer: So far, all of the above.
PG15 writes: “1). What’s the difference between a Beat Sheet and an Outline? 2). Have you read the recent comments made my David Howe? 3) Are you going to continue the Production Diary on Gateworld and Stargate Solutions? 4. (You may avoid this one) Why did you decide to delete some comments a few days ago when you have allowed certain arguments to slip through before that?”
Answers: 1) A beat sheet is simply a beat by beat breakdown of the episode. An outline is more detailed and includes scene headings. 2) Yup. 3) Maybe in time. 4) To be perfectly honest, I just got annoyed with having to wade through the war of words to get to the legitimate questions.
Zabadoo writes: “I am a high school student going into my senior year, and have known now for about four years after making several shorts that I want to be either a filmmaker or a television writer/producer.”
Answer: May I suggest you become a producer. That way, if I time things perfectly, you can hire me once Stargate finally wraps.
Shawna writes: “Assuming we get a season five, any chance of a Chuck-centric episode?”
PAT writes: “Do you ever go to a Keg and just have a fat steak.”
Answer: Sometimes. Fondy is a big fan of their prime rib.
LogicSequence writes: “Just saw the Atlantis promo during Eureka, not quite extra long though, unless i missed other parts of it.”
Answer: From what I understand, that was the first of several 30 second clips they’ll be running from now until the season premiere.
Michelle writes: “What’s to love about a rib-eye, Joe? I would have thought you’d be a filet or new york man.”
Answer: No way. The rib-eye is best marbled cut and, in my opinion, the tastiest.
Anonymous #1 writes: “I know you mentioned that Teyla would probably not make it to Earth this season. But is there a possibility that she may appear in the Earth story pitched in by Mr. Flannigan?”
Answer: Teyla will not be traveling to the Earth this season.
Mary writes: “Personally, my favourite thing to do when I visit a new place is trawl around the biggest/oldest bookshop for an afternoon. Where in Vancouver would you recommend?”
Answer: Hmm. That’s tough. Besides a couple of Chapters, there’s not much in the way of bookshops. There are some good second-hand bookstores (Pulp Fiction) and a very cool children’s bookshop on West 4th that is planning a HUUUGE Harry Potter bash.
Jim from Jersey writes: “I’ve heard cast and crew rave about the high quality and overall “yummyness” of the Stargate catering and craft services. Can you give some examples of the better than ordinary fare?”
Answer: Today’s lunch was turkey cutlet with artichoke heart couscous, beet salad, red cabbage, and white chocolate and mandarin crepes for dessert.
Ccs926 writes: “Could you be a little more specific about the “dark turn”? Does Teyla have a hidden mean streak we have yet to see? Or should we take the term dark to mean tragic?”
Answer: How about both?