My yahoo account used to get inundated with spam promising everything from lottery winnings to big money business proposals. I would receive almost thirty a day. But ever since I actually started responding to them, their numbers have dwindled. Now, I’m lucky if I get one. So imagine my delight when I woke up this morning and discovered a brand new email sitting in my junk folder. It went:
“This to acknowledge you that your lost funds have been approved from The Federal High Court of Nigeria and I whose told to contact you by The Nigeria president on how to realize your ($3.5million) united state Dollars by the diplomatic courier…”
Etc. Lately, my attempts to foster some sort of dialogue with these mysterious goodwill ambassadors have proven futile. Why? Was I too over-the-top in my replies? Maybe. Fearful of scaring off a new potential pen pal, I sent back a comparatively restrained response:
“Hello dere. Ohboyohboyohboy. Me so happy. 3.5 million dollars buy lots of coookies. Me ready to receive money, but first, me have questions for you. How 3.5 million is put in Cookie Monster account? Lawyer dat us use has name Grover. You give 3.5 million to Grover, den me wait for Grover to give to me. Is good idea? Or maybe you come to Cookie Monster home and make personal delivery. If yes, den me tell you how to get, how to get to Sesame Street. Is not hard but little long and complicated. Way dere littered with bones of small children. But you no worry. Cookie Monster has your back.
Hoping dis very delicious transaction.
I sent it off and went on with my morning activities. Then, around lunch, I checked my email and lo and behold, the guy had written me, I mean Cookie Monster, back. Barrister James Williams exhorts me to send him $480 so that he can complete the paperwork that will free up my cash. And lest I doubt him, he helpfully includes a picture of himself – looking all business in a suit and tie, natch. Thrilled, I wrote back:
“Hello dere. Me tank you for writing back. And tank you for sending picture. James Williams very handsome man. James Williams is model? If not, could be, could be. Me ask lawyer Grover for $480 but he say no, dat me already spend all my money on coookies. I say $3.5 million buy lots more coookies and us use Grover money instead but he say no. I say have pity on monster. But he still say no. Not very delicious answer. Me don‘t tink dat fair but don‘t say me didn‘t try.
Now what to do? Dat de question. Maybe ask Ernie and Bert? Maybe Oscar the Grouch but he always suspicious of scam. Long time ago, Old Mr. Hooper run Ponzi scheme out of corner store and burn Oscar, so Oscar put cap in Mr. Hooper ass. Oscar be flush but dangerous. What you tink us should do?
Flashforward several hours and I receive the following:
“ How are you? I got your mail and is well noted, but first I want you to know that your fund is ready, but what is delaying the fund as for now is the delivery fee by the diplomatic courier, so I will want you to get back to me on when you are going to make the payment …“
Delightful. I replied:
“Cookie Monster sad. Oscar a no-go. Bert and Ernie just get floors re-done (beautiful hardwood, me like) so have no money. I tink maybe Big Bird but he unreliable. So what a Cookie Monster to do? Maybe we make deal instead. You pay fee and I get you date with Miss Piggy. Grover tap that. He say she easy, but me can make no promises. Great opportunity for James Williams. First class super sensational. You no can miss dis.
Rooting through my back-up yahoo account’s junk folder, I also came across a job offer from a Brown Spencer. According to B.S., I could earn anywhere from $600-$3000 a week by working as a bookkeeper for a Cotton and Textile Trading Company. It sounded like an opportunity I couldn’t pass up and so I immediately wrote back:
“Dear Mr. Spencer,
Your offer couldn’t have come at a better time as I was recently fired from my last job for embezzling company funds. Coincidentally, my former employer also specialized in cotton and textile trading. Thus, rest assured I can provide you with the confidence that comes from hiring someone with experience in the field, in addition to a bookkeeping background and an unwavering entrepreneurial spirit.
I would like to get started as quickly as possible as my trial is due to commence in the coming weeks and I may need cash to bribe the jurors.
Norman Shuttlecock Jr.”
And, finally, on the off-chance that my long lost pen pal Ali was still kicking around, I fired off the following to his last known email address:
Aloysius P. Hazzencockle here. I don’t mean to be a bother with you being on your deathbed and all, but a few issues have arisen regarding the building of that castle (for the orphans) and there are a couple of questions I need to run by you:
1. Do we want crocodiles in the moat? Yes? No? They’ll be $15000 a piece. Personally, I think they’re a good investment that will pay for themselves in time. Alternately, we could go with alligators instead at only $5000 a piece. Do you have a preference?
2. Have you given any thought to the battlements? Are we going with meurtieres, machicolations, or murder holes? If you want my opinion, I say do it up right the first time and go with all of the above. After all, there’s nothing worse than nosy neighbors.
3. The builder says he can get us a line on a second-hand trebuchet if we’re interested. I assume we’re VERY interested, but I just wanted to check with you first.
Well, that’s it. Get back to me if you’re still alive. And if you’re dead, kindly disregard this email.
All the best,
Aloysius P. Hazzencockle”
Today’s pics: Little Lulu.
Quiet mailbag day today so I’ll try to make up for it by being twice as surly –
PG15 writes: “1). Do you use script software, and if so, what? 2). What’s the longest script you’ve ever written for Stargate? Longest script by any writer?”
Answers: 1) Movie Magic Screenwriter. 2) 56. Martin once wrote a script that clocked in at a healthy 63 pages.
Anlaria writes: “I was wondering, what will we see from Ronon? Will there be friends, or family who escaped from Sateda?”
Answer: Funny you should say that. Check out episode 3, Reunion.
Susan the Tartan Turtle writes: “Guess who is going back to work on Monday and leaving his three little puggies at doggy daycare.”
Jason writes: “Will the other Peter, Peter Deluise, be directing any episodes this year?”
Answer: Alas, he will not.
Anonymous #1 writes: “I’m in the process of putting together a proposal for a show…”
Answer: The proof is always in the script.
Edward4th writes: “Ok how can I get a blog dedicated to me?”
Answer: Just by asking. Today’s blog is dedicated to Edward4th. Easy, no?
Vaberella writes: “JM would you suggest that for this season overall it will be an emotional rollercoaster for the characters, and as viewers we should be prepared?!”
Answer: No no no. If you were prepared, that would make the developments all the less surprising. Remain unprepared, please.
Glennh73 writes: “ok i heard a rumor, Is it true that Weir takes command again of SGC as the actor that plays Landry probably wont be around?”
Farscapefan writes: “Could you tell me whether Claudia Black’s fans are going to find at least short VIDEO interview at either The Ark of Truth or Continuum DVDs? 2 YEARS now and we’ve got NOTHING at all so far. It’s simply NOT FAIR and I really hate MGM for doing this to us.”
Answer: This has nothing to do with MGM. Special Features Producer Ivon Bartok has made it a point to try to spotlight all of the actors. If a certain actor has not appeared in a DVD extra, it is because either they have chosen not to participate or didn’t make themselves available.