Look, as a foodie, I’m the last person who is going to criticize someone’s menu selections.  If you want to shell out an extra $50 to top your scallops with Osetra caviar or spend $150 to finish that risotto with white truffle shavings, why not? Who am I to say anything?  On my first trip to Tokyo, I dropped over $200 on a modest wagyu (a taste experience so revelatory that, upon my return to North America, I was unable to eat regular steak for three years).  But I have to draw the line at this –

And this –

And this –

To answer the question posed in the last video (“Is a $90 24-karat gold burger worth it?”), I can say with utmost certainty:  No, it’s not fucking worth it.  Why not?  Well, because unlike Osetra caviar ($300/2 ounces), white truffles ($300/ounce), or an A5 Black Tajima tenderloin from Gunma Prefecture ($300/10 ounces), that edible gold tastes like absolutely nothing.  It is not only completely devoid of flavor, but chemically inert so that it will pass through your digestive system without effect.  Truly the only justification for ordering any of the afore-mentioned is that they allow you to proclaim “I shit gold!” and be literally correct, in addition to sounding like a complete asshole (as opposed to maybe being figuratively correct and sounding like an asshole).

As this culinary trend started to gather steam online, I wondered: “Who the hell would order this?”.  And, almost immediately, someone came to mind, an ostentatious grandstander who, as far back as I can remember, never hesitated to joyously remind everyone of his incredible affluence.  The kid who decorated his Christmas tree with diamonds and precious pearls because regular ornaments just wouldn’t do.  The kid who’d take a private gondola up to his tree house.  The kid who named his dog Dollar, then fed him kibble in the shape of dollar signs!

This little bastard, with a consumption so extravagantly conspicuous he’d put a rapper to shame, wouldn’t think twice about chowing down on gold-dusted wings, gold leaf burgers, and gold-sprinkled sundaes.  Why?  Because he can and he wants you to know  it.  Also, he’s always been a jerk.  Don’t believe me?  Here’s proof!  10 Times Richie Rich Was A Dick!

May 12, 2018: 10 Times Richie Rich Was A Dick!

Hey, poor kid, nice boat!

May 12, 2018: 10 Times Richie Rich Was A Dick!

My Jai alai match was cancelled, so I’ll just catch a ballgame like the regular folk.May 12, 2018: 10 Times Richie Rich Was A Dick!

Lest anyone forget how wealthy I am, let me remind you.  I bet half those kids hadn’t eaten a proper meal in days.

May 12, 2018: 10 Times Richie Rich Was A Dick!

My work duties consisted of walking around with a retrofitted backpack so that my employer could watch t.v. while strolling.  Also, care of fine china, silver, and crystal.May 12, 2018: 10 Times Richie Rich Was A Dick!

I don’t play golf but I have a feeling this would, at the very least, be considered a breach of etiquette.  Fore, suckers!  

May 12, 2018: 10 Times Richie Rich Was A Dick!

That’s not a top.  THIS is a top!  Just kidding.  It’s a 1200 carat diamond worth more than the lives of everyone you’ve ever loved.

May 12, 2018: 10 Times Richie Rich Was A Dick!

What’s next?  Hire a couple of goons to work over those pesky third graders?

May 12, 2018: 10 Times Richie Rich Was A Dick!

Dance for me, monkeys!

May 12, 2018: 10 Times Richie Rich Was A Dick!

Replacing the stuffing of his glove with cash because…his opponents can’t afford to buy a decent pair of shoes.

May 12, 2018: 10 Times Richie Rich Was A Dick!

Yeah, these coins grow naturally in my backyard.  Also, Santa is a close personal friend of mine – oh, and your grandma isn’t dead anymore.

12 thoughts on “May 12, 2018: 10 Times Richie Rich Was A Dick!

  1. But, he’s the POOR little rich boy! I guess that’s because he doesn’t have any friends – which is what happens when you’re a complete asshat, I suppose.

    As far as the gold food goes, I find it excessive and gauche. Likely the same way I’d feel about the people to whom it appeals.

  2. For such a rich kid he dresses like shit. If that bow-tie were any bigger he could fly away in the breeze like Sister Bertrille. Why did I ever read those comics?

  3. I agree with you regarding special, unique foods – the money spent is acceptable.
    But sorry, those guys eating gold covered food are fools (And we all know fool’s gold is quite toxic) When there is so much poverty in the world they obviously don’t have the intelligence to use their money sensibly. What dipsticks!
    I hope I never meet any of those idiot

    1. Sorry, this got me on a particularly bad day. Apologies Joe. You don’t have to publish this comment

  4. I will never willingly knowingly eat anything made of gold. Heck, I won’t ever eat 90% of what you eat. 🙂

  5. Very funny and very true! Yet as a kid this little dick named rich allowed a poor boy from nowhere to dream of absurd opulence, and cool toys, and not once did my young mind consider the observations you just brilliantly pointed out. Nice one.

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