May 12, 2018: 10 Times Richie Rich Was A Dick!

Look, as a foodie, I’m the last person who is going to criticize someone’s menu selections.  If you want to shell out an extra $50 to top your scallops with Osetra caviar or spend $150 to finish that risotto with white truffle shavings, why not? Who am I to say anything?  On my first trip to Tokyo, I dropped over $200 on a modest wagyu (a taste experience so revelatory that, upon my return to North America, I was unable to eat regular steak for three years).  But I have to draw the line at this –

And this –

And this –

To answer the question posed in the last video (“Is a $90 24-karat gold burger worth it?”), I can say with utmost certainty:  No, it’s not fucking worth it.  Why not?  Well, because unlike Osetra caviar ($300/2 ounces), white truffles ($300/ounce), or an A5 Black Tajima tenderloin from Gunma Prefecture ($300/10 ounces), that edible gold tastes like absolutely nothing.  It is not only completely devoid of flavor, but chemically inert so that it will pass through your digestive system without effect.  Truly the only justification for ordering any of the afore-mentioned is that they allow you to proclaim “I shit gold!” and be literally correct, in addition to sounding like a complete asshole (as opposed to maybe being figuratively correct and sounding like an asshole).

As this culinary trend started to gather steam online, I wondered: “Who the hell would order this?”.  And, almost immediately, someone came to mind, an ostentatious grandstander who, as far back as I can remember, never hesitated to joyously remind everyone of his incredible affluence.  The kid who decorated his Christmas tree with diamonds and precious pearls because regular ornaments just wouldn’t do.  The kid who’d take a private gondola up to his tree house.  The kid who named his dog Dollar, then fed him kibble in the shape of dollar signs!

This little bastard, with a consumption so extravagantly conspicuous he’d put a rapper to shame, wouldn’t think twice about chowing down on gold-dusted wings, gold leaf burgers, and gold-sprinkled sundaes.  Why?  Because he can and he wants you to know  it.  Also, he’s always been a jerk.  Don’t believe me?  Here’s proof!  10 Times Richie Rich Was A Dick!

Hey, poor kid, nice boat!

My Jai alai match was cancelled, so I’ll just catch a ballgame like the regular folk.

Lest anyone forget how wealthy I am, let me remind you.  I bet half those kids hadn’t eaten a proper meal in days.

My work duties consisted of walking around with a retrofitted backpack so that my employer could watch t.v. while strolling.  Also, care of fine china, silver, and crystal.

I don’t play golf but I have a feeling this would, at the very least, be considered a breach of etiquette.  Fore, suckers!  

That’s not a top.  THIS is a top!  Just kidding.  It’s a 1200 carat diamond worth more than the lives of everyone you’ve ever loved.

What’s next?  Hire a couple of goons to work over those pesky third graders?

Dance for me, monkeys!

Replacing the stuffing of his glove with cash because…his opponents can’t afford to buy a decent pair of shoes.

Yeah, these coins grow naturally in my backyard.  Also, Santa is a close personal friend of mine – oh, and your grandma isn’t dead anymore.