Apparently, some Brazilian doctors have developed a test that predicts mortality. It’s a “simple” sitting-standing exercise that measures flexibility and your chances of dropping dead soon.  Real soon:

Here’s it is:

December 6, 2014: Stand Or Die!

1. From a barefoot standing position, lower yourself down to a cross-legged sitting position without using your hands (or any other body part) for support.

2. Stand up again, once more without using any other part of your body for support.

The sitting down portion is scored out of 5.  And the standing up portion is scored out of 5.  Dock 1 point every time you use another part of your body for support. Dock 1/2 point every time you lose your balance.

According to the study, a scored of 8-10 is great;  a score of 7 or lower suggests you’re twice as likely to drop dead within THE NEXT SIX YEARS.

So, I had Akemi try it.  “Sit down,”I said and she sat down, smoothly transitioning to a cross-legged sitting position.  “Now stand up,”I said.  She planted her feet and stood up, just as smoothly.  It was as if I’d rewound a video of her sitting down.

I took this test to work and, amazingly, every one of my co-workers who tried the test passed.  In fact, pretty much everyone passed.  Except for one single person.

Me!  I had no problem sitting down but when it came time to standing up…  It’s not that I had trouble doing it.  I simply COULDN’T do it.  There is NO WAY I can stand up from a cross-legged sitting position.

All this to say, given the five year outline I have for the show, it may behoove the production office to have a back-up plan for the show runner position, just in case.

34 thoughts on “December 6, 2014: Stand or die!

  1. I’ve tried it, and I can do it! But there does seem to be a bit of a technique to pull it off. I have to lean forward a bit and kind of unscissor and turn at the same time. It is pretty tricky, though. I also think core strength is at least as important as leg strength and flexibility.

    Have you thought of working yoga into your workout routine, though? 🙂

  2. I meant to add that I was watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” tonight while I started decorating my Christmas tree. I usually only wind up seeing the last 45 minutes of that movie but thought I’d try the whole thing to kind of add to the Christmas-ey “ambiance”.

    I just realized I don’t like this movie. At all. Within the first 1/2 hour there are galaxies talking to one another (WTF?), and an episode of child abuse. Awful!

    So, I flipped it over to Bravo and am watching some generic Christmas movie that is like a version of “Groundhog Day” mixed a Hallmark Christmas sentimentality. Oh, it also as an absolutely ancient and dessicated Bruce Dern in it.

  3. That’s some kind of employee abuse, to force them to look into their own futures.

    I wasn’t going to be able to do it at first because I had this sense that it was mechanically impossible, that my ligaments weren’t even lined up to do it and would just stretch under my weight instead of lift me, but then I pulled a super-flexibility trick and rocked forward, then threw my foot behind me somehow. I don’t think being a mutant helps my case.

  4. Oh, and now there’s some Syfy-style crapfest on Showcase called “The 12 Disasters of Christmas”, which is breathtakingly awful but at the same time perversely fascinating, like a multi-vehicle car crash in progress that you’re powerless to stop. I wish Cookie Monster was watching this!

    Also, Donnelly Rhodes, what the hell happened to you??

    I need more egg nog.

  5. Don’t worry! It’s just the way you’re wired. You’ll be here for years to come!

  6. I could do that when I was younger, but not now. Broken leg in two places and torn knee ligaments and tendons make just walking priority. Guess I better go update my will. It’s been nice knowing ya… 🙁

  7. I’m dead. I have trouble getting in and out of chairs, and if I go to the floor, forget it. I’m staying down! They tell me it’s arthritis…I say it’s my fat gut. 😛


  8. I can sit down all right, but my getting up is not the same action as sitting. I can’t just go straight from the cross-legged position — but I can rise without touching anything but the bottoms of my feet and my bum to the floor. I draw my knees in close to my chest with my feet to either side of my hips and push up that way. I wonder if that counts in their test. If it doesn’t, I guess you’ll have company in The Beyond.

  9. Don’t worry about it. Was in terrific shape 25 years ago, and couldn’t do it then.
    Up or down.
    Still here!

  10. Joe, based on these (hilarious) comments here, I’m beginning to doubt that “…pretty much everyone passed”. Are you sure they didn’t say, “I’ll go try it and I’ll be right back”? Come on!

    @ gforce – I also just watched It’s A Wonderful Life, and without a doubt, that movie has the greatest ending in Hollywood history.

  11. No matter when in my life, I may have tried that maneuver….the end result is always: I’ve fallen and can’t get up. So there.

    They started…the over and over and over again screening of It’s a wonderful life….yuck.

  12. 6 years, huh? Then I’ve actually been dead for the last 20! [that might explain the Vampire Hours I keep..?] — Anyhoo, nasty lower disc, useless hip tendons, bad knees… I do NOT get off the ground unless I have a thick pad for my knees in order to roll forward, then “crane” upward! ..maybe…

    Next “They” will be telling you that doing the “macarena” [sp?] will prevent Warts!

    A better “test” would be “NOT texting while crossing a street”! Now THAT will keep you Alive for another 6 years.

    whatever. No worries Joe. Having the *younger* [and apparently flexible] Girlfriend will keep you going for many years! — UNLESS of course, you poison yourself first because you happened to eat something on the ground while waiting for a RESCUE CREW to get you upright again…

  13. I couldn’t even do it once Joe. I got down OK but that was it. I could probably put my feet beside me but couldn’t do it from a cross-legged position. How depressing. Hope you’re all well apart from this. Hugs for all the dogs.

    Cheers, Chev

  14. Oh on the Fantasy Football front I keep going back and forth between my quarterbacks Andy Dalton and Ryan Fitzpatrick. I still can’t decide. Also frustrated that Denver are leaving the decision whether Julius Thomas plays until I’m asleep. Do they not realise he’s in my Arrowheads team?

    Cheers, Chev

  15. Joe, as a lurking medical professional and researcher, I have to comment on this:

    “Twice as likely” sounds very scary, but twice a very small chance remains a very small chance. If you buy a lottery ticket with a chance of 1 in a million that you’re going to win the jackpot, buying a second lottery ticket will double your chance to 2 in a million, but you wouldn’t go ahead and quit your day job, buy that huge mansion up in the mountains, buy that yacht and car you’ve always had an eye on.

    So no worries. Your chance of dying in the next six years is probably not that high, and twice as likely will not make it that much higher 🙂

  16. I can get down but rising,,,eh, that’s another problem,,,one which a bit of fraking exercise might help,,,on the other hand, since I’m 71 fraking years old,,,five more years seems about right…

  17. I’m sure each and every person here will live long and productive lives. You don’t need anything like this to tell you how long you have left.

  18. I agree with Randomness – let us not worry about something that may happen in the indeterminate future. There’s way too much living to be done today for that.

  19. Nope. Can’t get down to the floor that way and absolutely cannot get back up from a cross-legged position, or much of any other floor-side position, without help.
    This is due to many things:
    1) I cannot sit cross-legged period. Some odd thing with my knees allows me to sit knees in and heels out, but I cannot sit as anyone else would cross-legged.
    2) Like others here, I have chronic back disc issues and my chiropractor would be called immediately upon my foolish attempt.
    3) I’m a tad chunky and would require a forklift rental, which, due to the holiday season, I cannot afford at the moment.
    4) I’m with Randomness and do not believe any of these so-called indicators/tests of longevity.
    5)Ponytail, I also agree with you and doubt our esteemed host’s report that everyone at his office could do this. Uh-huh, sure they did…

    (I’m sure my cats shall outlive me…)

  20. I’m surprised she could do it the same way sitting and standing. I found it pretty easy by first crossing feet and sinking into sitting position, then to stand up, planting feet in standing position and then raising up. Basically, get the feet where you want them to end up and then just move your body there.

    Meanwhile, my parents need help even to get off my couch. So apparently aging sucks.

  21. I will try this next year. Still not healed and haven’t been given clearance to squat or drive longer than 30 minutes at a time.

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