Monster spend last few months on vakation where me bone up on cursive writing, try all tree boardings – wake, paddle, and water for first time (Me MUCH prefer first two!), and generally healing from mental scars inflikted by 94 straight weeks of Supermovie reviews.  Now me back after much-needed R&R (Rest and Remi Martin) and rarin’ to go!

September 23, 2014: Resident Film Critic Cookie Monster Returns And Reviews Man Of Steel!

Watching dis movie be like taking in spectakular fireworks show.  In sepia.  While your girlfriend breaks up wit you over de phone.  For two and a half hours.

Movie open on alien world Kripton where scientist Kal-El inform ruling council planet be doomed because of environment (Al Gore-El was right!).  Meeting interrupted by rebellious General Zod and co. who stage coup.  He offer Kal-El to trow in wit him, but Kal-El refuse.  Den have to eskape and get chased back to his home (Couldn’t he have just said “Okay, me wit you?” and den snuck back nice an easy?  No?) where he launch his son away in a space ship wit someting called “De Codex”!

Zod and co. be captured and punished by getting encased in giant vibrators before being fired into De Phantom Zone.  And den Kripton explodes.

September 23, 2014: Resident Film Critic Cookie Monster Returns And Reviews Man Of Steel!
Nooo! Not de vibrator rockets!

September 23, 2014: Resident Film Critic Cookie Monster Returns And Reviews Man Of Steel!

On Earth, years later, Kal-El’s son grow up to become Clark, handsome shirtless guy who save co-workers from oil rig fire before washing up on shore somewhere and steal somebody’s clothes (THIEVERY!  SUPERMAN BE A THIEF!).

September 23, 2014: Resident Film Critic Cookie Monster Returns And Reviews Man Of Steel!
His shirt got burned off in de fire. His beard and pants be just fine tho!

Flashback to young Clark who get picked on all de time, saves skool bus full of kids, and be super-hypersensitive to EVERYTING – like dat time monster ate 6 boxes of Oreos and suddenly able to hear people’s hair grow.  And bee farts.

Flashforward to Clark working at diner.   Customer give him a hard time.  So he destroy guy’s truck (MALICIOUS DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY!  SUPERMAN BE A VANDAL!).

Military discover strange objekt buried in 20 000 year old ice in Arctic.  Dey be VERY sekretive and maintain AAA security, only letting ONE snoopy reporter (Lois Lane) onto site and one guy who presumably wander on wit no background check (Clark), and den allowing BOTH to get on buried objekt…which aktually be a ship! Clark awaken it, save Lois from floaty cobra robot, den drop her off before flying ship away to somewhere inept military unable to track it (say, other side of de mountain).  Hologram of Kal-El fill Clark in on his backstory after which Clark puts on super suit, flies around, and crashes.  Dis be de ONE fun beat in otherwise bleak movie.

Flashback to young Clark fleeing tornado wit his family.  Dad goes back to save dog in car and injures ankle.  Cars and tankers get blown around by wind but, for some reason, dad rooted to spot like he built into ground.  Clark wants to save him but Dad waves him away.  Naaah, don’t bother.  So he die.  And Clark left feeling guilty for not helping.  Tanks, Dad.

September 23, 2014: Resident Film Critic Cookie Monster Returns And Reviews Man Of Steel!

Flashforward to news reports.  Space ship heading for Earth!   Creepy cool message from General Zod demand Earth turn over Clark.  Clark turn himself into military – who turn him over to Zod.  And Zod demand Lois as well.  Why?  Beats monster.

Clark taken up on ship where become weak and experimented on.  Lois locked up but, luckily, she have Kal-El hologram device dat Clark slip her (Guess he had hunch to bring it along and give it to her – just in case!).  Hologram Kal-El save her.  Ish.  She get in pod and plummet to Earth.  Clark regain super strength for reasons monster not exaktly clear on,  den save falling Lois IN DE NICK OF TIME!

Turns out Zod plan to terraform Earth and repopulate it wit Kriptonians kept in “De Codex” much like plot of dat episode of Stargate, Scorched Earth.  After all, if dey keep Earth as is and not terraform, dey would ALL be a bunch of supermen – and who wants dat?

Clark fly to town and take on Zod’s soldiers, getting into fistfight at IHop just like us regular folks!

While Zod initiate terraforming machine and start killing thousands of citizens, Superman on other side of planet destroying another tingie (Yo, super dude. Priorities!).  Military manage to destroy terraform machine on their own (Tanks for nothing!) and Lois plummet from back of plane.  Clark sweep in and save her IN DE NICK OF TIME!

September 23, 2014: Resident Film Critic Cookie Monster Returns And Reviews Man Of Steel!
Hurray!  Superman to de reskue…uh, too late. Never mind.

Showdown wit Zod!  Mayhem!  Destruktion!  Thousands more killed!  (Yo, super dude.  Couldn’t you take dis somewhere else?  Space?  De desert?  Out over de ocean?)

Finally, he defeat Zod by cleverly…breaking his neck.  Wait!  What?!  Superman kill Zod?!  (KILLING!  SUPERMAN BE A MURDERER!).  Okay, okay.  Mebbe dis be new version of Superman.  He killed Zod and clearly anguished about it.  Rest of movie will explore heavy burden of murder on his conscience.

Or not.

Clark gets job as reporter working wit Lois.  (OBSESSED!  SUPERMAN BE A STALKER!)

De End.

Overall, everyting make story sense (more or less) and performances pretty good, but dis be filmic equivalent of having to attend an uncle’s funeral at Six Flags.  Wit unbelievable romantic B story tacked on.

VERDIKT: Dis not your father’s Superman. Or your grandfather’s superman. Hell, when it come right down to it, dis not Superman at all. It be a movie about some other guy with super powers.

RATING: 6 chocolate chipped cookies.

20 thoughts on “September 23, 2014: Resident Film Critic Cookie Monster Returns and Reviews Man of Steel!

  1. Hey there Cookie! I was beginning to think that Joe had sold you down the river to pay for his Tokyo trip. Welcome back!

  2. Yay! I’ve missed these reviews! So glad to see you Cookie Monster!

    I had the same feelings about this movie, that it had Superman doing a bunch of very un-Superman like things. That said, it wasn’t going too, too badly until that final fight scene. Okay, so Superman is throwing this guy around destroying things left and right and killing who knows how many people, and in the end he just winds up killing him by breaking his neck. Ridiculous. I found the ending pretty much ruinous for the whole movie. Not to mention the unrelenting dreariness of the whole affair.

    Cookie, you gotta let us know when you’re going to do these movie reviews so that we can prewatch the movie!

  3. I’ve always loved this movie “kritik”. This sounds like a movie I will miss. I’m not really in to comic book films in the first place, but this sounds absolutely horrible – like the first and second remake of Star Trek. Bleh

  4. i could never get past Amy Adams as Lois Lane… she seems more like a Lana Lang. it was an ok movie and I’ll be surprised if ben affleck’s batman makes the follow-up movie that much better.

  5. Welcome back Cookie!

    Barb and I saw Man of Steel when it first premiered, and we had many of the same issues with this film. Where was the protector of Metropolis? The protector of humanity?

    I just couldn’t connect with this version of Superman…he seemed too aloof, too self-absorbed. Sure, a lot of cheese could be found in Christopher Reeve’s Superman, but at least his Superman was relatable. This one just felt like another Transformer running around destroying the landscape. I wouldn’t have been surprised if at the end of the film it was revealed that Clark was actually a Krypton robot, and not Superman at all.

    Are they making a sequel? If so, hopefully I can miss that one.

  6. Curious why you were disappointed with the ending of Broadchurch. I thought it was well done. I think mostly because she was like “how could you not KNOW” to the other woman, then she found out. Very easy to judge. I’ll be curious to see what they do with this one.

    Welcome back home.

  7. Welcome back Cookie! Hope you enjoyed your Rest and Remy Martin.

    You need to give us some warning about these reviews! I’ve forgotten most of this movie (or maybe I blacked out while watching it?).

    My overriding memory is of the ending. I wasn’t so shocked by the fact that Superman killed Zod. Superman feels every other human emotion, why not vengeance? He had to choose between what could possibly be the last other Kryptonian alive in the universe (albeit, a homicidal maniac) and a family of humans that Zod was about to kill. Superman made the right choice. But what totally wrenched me out of my suspended disbelief was the fact that Superman would kill Zod to save a family AFTER THE TWO OF THEM HAD JUST DESTROYED AN ENTIRE CITY, KILLING THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE!!!!!!!

    Does he think he’ll be remembered as the saviour of the Jones family from Des Moines? Or the destroyer of Metropolis? “But I was protecting you from the evil Zod!” he would exclaim. “Yeah, thanks a lot!” moan the walking wounded who managed to free themselves from the rubble of their office block.

    Perhaps Superman is supposed to be wracked with guilt in the sequel but I doubt it. I’m sure the only reason a sequel was made in the first place is because it has Batman in it. DC only have one decent cinematic character. It’s a shame that I will probably fork out my £8 to go see the sequel in the cinema and encourage them to make more crap movies.

  8. @Are they making a sequel?

    There’s Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice coming out in 2016. Same guy playing Superman too. Not sold on Ben Affleck as Batman though.

  9. @but this sounds absolutely horrible – like the first and second remake of Star Trek. Bleh

    While I didn’t mind the newer Star Trek films, the size of the engine room was ridiculous for the scale of a space ship. There were other parts of its design I didn’t think were too great either.

    Also they seemed more interested in packing as many visual effects shots as possible in place of a good story, which hugely inflated its budget.

  10. Thanks Cookie and welcome back, I appreciate you watching this stuff so I don’t have to.(glad I didn’t.. Have a cookie! (chocolate chip,my fav)

  11. Sometimes newer isn’t better… What made Cookie pick this film? Does Cookie ever go to the theatre or does he wait for the home version to the be released?

    Found an apartment yet?

  12. Cookie, Cookie, Cookie – Sups pop is Jor-El, Sups is Jor-El – just ask Nicky Cage (he named his son after him).

    Are you sure there will be an alternate ending on the Broadchurch remake?

  13. Superman’s moral dilemma about killing one man to save a family who doesn’t even have the brains to simply duck under the death beam to safety after killings thousands upon thousands of nameless souls was too much for me to take. Really you are going to feel guilty about killing this one dude after you spent the last ¾ of the movie randomly killing people because you couldn’t think “hey you know what if I take this battle like 1 mile over to the empty field or ocean I can avoid killing innocent people” all throughout the movie, just killed me.

  14. One thing a lot of people don’t seem to consider is that Smallville and Metropolis were the first two fights Clark was in where he actually fought back and he was fighting people with all the same powers he had (though less control over them). It’s no surprise he didn’t have much control over where the fight went, and it’s amazing he won at all. This movie really could have been called Superman: Day 1

    All the property destruction and probable loss of life (though those buildings could have been evacuated from when the terraformer was going) will probably be a big part of Lex Luthor’s smear campaign against Superman in the future. As for killing Zod, it’s not the first time he has killed (not even in just the movies depending on which version of Superman 2 you watch), and this could easily be the source of his no killing rule.

    I’m not saying the movie was perfect, but I don’t think it’s as bad as people make it out to be.

  15. I’m amazed that it’s Thor and Capn America that I loved and Superman was the snooze. I can’t remember much about Supe, other than the carnage at the end.
    We miss Cookie, I hope he can watch something great for a change, poor guy. Did Cookie review Leprechaun yet? I hear that’s really good.

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