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Who watches de Watchmen?  Well, Monster for one.  All 3+ hours of direktor’s cut.  It longer den a superbowl halftime show and inklude raspy-voice narration dat, at first, gimme flashback to craptakular Spirit – BUT, ultimately, monster like dis movie.  A lot.  It be smart, engaging, and thought-provoking.  For instance, scene where Nite Owl and Silk Spectre save people from apartment fire make monster wonder “Hey, did me forget to turn de stove off before me left apartment?”.  It also a visually spekatular movie full of beautifully composed shots and sekwences.  Dis Zack Snyder guy know what he doing.  If me ever find monster after my own heart (to love, not to devour so dat rule out chupacabra girl who always eyeing me outside Mr. Hooper’s shop), me want to hire Zack to shoot de wedding video. And, if necessary, dat chupacabra girl.  But only if he firearm trained.

De Comedian say: "Ha ha.  Joke on you, mofo!"
De Comedian say: “Ha ha. Joke on you, mofo!”

Movie open wit de death of de Comedian, a superhero who, despite his name, not very hilarious.  If Oscar de Grouch and Lindsay Lohan had love child, he would be de result.  Anyway, he get thrown out apartment and plunge to his death by VERY strong mystery attacker (hmmmm) – which segue into brilliant opening credit sekwence dat reveal backstory of dis Alternate Universe Earth where superheroes exist but outlawed by Richard Nixon who got voted into office six times (!), all accompanied to tune of Times Dey Are A Changing by Matt’s father, Bob.

Roarshack: Oooh!  Ooh!  Mr. Kottah!  Mr. Kottah!  Oooh!  Ooh!
Roarshack: Oooh! Ooh! Mr. Kottah! Mr. Kottah! Oooh! Ooh!

We introduced to a guy who dress up like a incognito ink blot.  His name be Roarshack.  He keep a written journal and movie interspersed wit his gravely-voiced entries.  But, luckily, only de interesting ones (ie. September 12: Baloney for dinner again.  Forgot to pick up milk.  Next time, remember: Milk.  Dozen eggs.  Pop tarts.)  He investigate death of Comedian and pay visit to an old friend, Dan (aka Nite Owl II) who hang out wit an even older friend, Hollis (aka Nite Owl I), and warn him about possible superhero-killer.  Also pay a visit to super rich businessman and former hero Ozzy to warn him.  Finally, he drop in on blue, occasionally pants-less energy guy Dr. Manhattan, and his girlfriend, Silk Spektre to warn dem.  But dat de least of deir problems. Doc Manhattan can see de future.  Possible nuclear armaggedon on de horizon!

Dr. M.  Why so blue?
Dr. M. Why so blue?

Comedian buried while we flashback to origins of dese heroes.  Ozzy tried and failed to unite heroes into policing force like Team America World Police.  Doc Manhattan and Silk Spectre having relationship issues becuz she needy and he emotionless douchebag.  So she end up hooking up with Dan Nite Owl while Doc help Ozzy build nuclear energy plants for poor people.  Awwww.

During live interview, Dr. Manhattan ambushed by reporter.  Reveal his best friend died of cancer, and his ex-girlfriend now suffering from de disease.  Did he cause it?  He be radioactive?!  Why he always shirtless?  Doc M get annoyed and leave Earth for more laid back surroundings of Mars.

Meanwhile, back on Earth, Russia mobolizes its forces.  World on brink of nuclear armaggedon!

Nite Owl
Nite Owl.  De Dark Squire.

Roarshack continues his investigation.  Suspekts someone is targeting superheroes.  Ozzy avoids assassination attempt.  Roarshack set up while following a lead and sent to prison where he kick convikt ass and demonstrate improper use of hot kitchen grease (Check it out if you always wondering what to do wit dat leftover oil).  He finally get sprung by Nite Owl and Silk Spectre who don their own costumes and KICK ASS!  While dis going on, Hollis, de original Nite Owl, get attacked by street gang and killed.  It be one of movie’s best sekwences, wit Hollis punching gang members who transform into de various supervillains he fought in his past.  Great!

Silk Spectre.
Silk Spectre.  Close, but her boyfriend gets the award for “least dressed superhero”.

Silk Spectre travel to Mars with Doc Manhattan and plead wit him to save Earth, setting up another brilliant sekwence in which Doc M. diskusses de concept of time.  Meanwhile, Roarshack and Nite Owl follow leads and diskover individual behind death of Comedian, attack of Ozzy, setting up Roarshack, and giving cancer to Dr. Manhattan’s friends be…Ozzy!  In de words of Lou Diamond Philips: “Holy Shnikeys!”.

Nite Owl and Roarhack travel to Ozzy’s Antarctic base where he beat de crap out of dem and den reveal his master plan: to detonate nuclear facilities around de world.  Roarshack and Nite Owl vow to stop him – at which point Ozzy point out he not your stereotypical villain who reveal his plan so dat heroes can stop him.  Dey already too late.

Major cities have been destroyed including New York!  Energy signature connected to Dr. Manhattan!

Ozzy.  Evil genius or misunderstood evil genius?
Ozzy. Evil genius or misunderstood evil genius?

Doc Manhattan and Silk Spectre also show up – but too late to do anyting.  World now united (Hurray!) against greater enemy: Dr. Manhattan (B00!). Earth has pulled back from brink of nuclear armaggedon (Hurray!) = just like Ozzy planned (Boo!).  He sacrifice millions to save billions!  Everyone realize dey better off not revealing de truth.  Except for Roarshack, so he get blown up for his troubles.

Verdikt: Long but great movie, smart and visual spektacular.  But at times, Snyder a little too true to de original comic book and, as a result, Roarshack end up being de only charakter wit any true depth.

Rating: 8 chocolate chippee cookies.

26 thoughts on “March 18, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Watchmen!

  1. Well, the good news is that I was away for the weekend visiting friends in PEI and had a wonderful time. The bad news is that I was away for the weekend and didn’t get a chance to screen this movie! I feel terrible – it’s like an abrogation of my duty!

    Anyway, I do remember seeing part of this move a while ago and kind of not liking it. It seemed a little ponderous and slow-moving, if I recall. Maybe I was just not in the right mood for it or something.

    I did make a comment on yesterday’s post congratulating Akemi on her new Canadian status, but it seems to have disappeared into WordPress’ comment black hole. Anyway, I noted on her blog too. I just didn’t want her to think I missed giving her congrats!

  2. Nice review, Cookie. I liked the movie, too, but I could never bring myself to watch it a second time because of the ending; maybe I will now, though, based on your review. And I vote for misunderstood evil genius on the Ozy subject.

    @Akemi: congratulations on getting your visa!

    Re jobs for Akemi: lots of people made good suggestions yesterday. I like the boutique clothing suggestion or selling sweets, since you already have experience. How about makeup? Would you consider working behind a makeup counter in a department store or in one of those little specialty make-up shops? But if you could choose any job in the world, what would it be?

    @Tam Dixon: on the subject of colleges – I just went through that last year with my daughter so it’s all very fresh in my mind. Have you been to both schools? As far as future job prospects go, summer jobs and internships are all the rage for getting your foot in the door. Do both schools provide contacts or job fairs to help their students make the necessary connections? I guess it also depends on what your son wants to do with his life.

    Does your son have a strong preference?

    Good luck to both of you!

  3. I’m watching the 3 1/2 hour version, too. Only I’m having too much trouble not having little kids trying to watch the violent scenes over my shoulder, so I’ve stalled at 40 minutes in.

    But what an incredible 40 minutes! This doesn’t feel like a movie in pacing. It feels like a long, rich series, packed into a shorter span by masterful visual storytelling.

    The movie begins with some creepy guy getting murdered and this visual of a cardboard Doomsday clock being moved to a position of five minutes to midnight to signify impending nuclear war. The cardboard clock reminded me of Rob Cooper’s joke in an earlier blog comment about introducing the ticking clock in the tease. I wonder if a writer had made a similar joke as this very long movie was being put together. That non-ticking clock and murder were the main information about the present-day story line to tide us over until some back story was taken care of.

    That back story was told in an incredible sequence. In short glimpses, we were introduced to how the presence of superheroes may have skewed a closely related alternate reality. It was fascinating. I’m just completely in awe of how much story was packed into such a small space. Watchmen, you mesmerized me.

    And the story continued to convey so much with so little. I sometimes view voice-overs as cop-outs, but Rorschach’s journaling continues the genius of conveying such a profound amount of storytelling with so little screen time.

    I’m definitely going to catch the rest of this movie. 3 1/2 hours is a once in a lifetime deal when the return of storytelling for the time I invest is at such a high rate.

  4. I loved this movie on the big screen, and I knew nothing of the comic series. It was very different in mood than most super-hero movies. Of course here in the US there was more discussion of Watchman’s CGI peen than the substance of the movie. We’re a bunch of teenage boys apparently! But yeah, Cookie is correct at 8 of 10 cookies!

  5. “occasionally pants-less energy guy Dr. Manhattan” Got any pictures? 😀 Just curious…

  6. I’m interested in the parallels of adapting a comic to a movie vs. a TV series. It seems the latter would be simpler because of the more similar story structures. Yet, even with stand-alone novels, the challenges of adaptation to movies are noticeable in the final product despite their similar story structures. So one more hurrah to The Watchmen for pulling this off.

    The success of The Walking Dead makes me wonder if the reception for adaptation of comics to a live action TV series would be better now. (Not that The Incredible Hulk series was chopped liver, but that was more a pre-packaged character than an adaptation.) So would a more receptive environment for adaptations of comics mean The Watchmen could be on the table for a live action series at some point?

  7. I love this movie. I love the camera work, the story, the costumes, the special effects. It’s so well done, it presents a world that might be, and it’s easy to suspend disbelief.

    I like the opening sequence, the ‘happy retirement Sally’ shot, the remake of ‘the last supper’. I like well done alternate history movies, and others version of what may and what might no change.

    I love so many of the shots, I can’t help but wonder “how did they do that?”. Like the fall of the Comedian out the window, down onto the sidewalk, the fall of the smiley face button, circling and the wash of the pool of blood.

    I’ve seen this movie a few times, I’ll have to get a copy of the directors cut blu ray.

  8. Joe, I just saw a commercial, which reminded me of another good book. Please don’t laugh, (or cringe) but it’s “The Host” by Stephenie Meyer. I dislike her vampire books, but I thought her book The Host was very well done. It’s like an updated version of The Puppet Master. Longer, just as well done, IMHO, well thought out world, protagonist and alien species.

    The short version is, the earth has been invaded, the aliens are parasites, fluffy looking creatures that are inserted into the back of the skull. They then overpower the host, and most of the time the host personality is lost. But some manage to keep a hold of themselves. One starts to fight back.

    These parasites don’t think of themselves as evil. They are doing us a favour, because we are ruining our world and causing each other great strife. They have taken over a number of planets and each has become peaceful. They care for the hosts. It’s been a while since I read it, but I did greatly enjoy it. I went through it very quickly, staying up late to read until my eyes were too blurry to continue.

    I recommend you read this, definitely read it before you see the movie.

    The movie is set to be released on March 29.

  9. @ Ponytail Imagine Cookie Monster nekkid…and bald.

    ..

    .

    Yeah, it does nothin’ for me, either. 😛

    das

  10. My comments yesterday got eaten, so I wanted to repost:

    Congrats, Akemi! I think you would be very good at teaching cooking and bento box classes. There is a huge market in my part of the world for quality after-school programming for elementary and middle school kids, and I bet you would find the same thing in Vancouver area. Good luck!

    And happy belated birthday PBMom!

  11. A big Thanks to Sparrow_hawk and PBmom for their college advice. I’m sure it will all work out.

    It’s been years since I’ve seen the Watchmen. Now I’ll have to see it again. Eight cookies is very impressive!

  12. I would have Watchmen more if they hadn’t cast Cry Baby McSlobbery from Grey’s Anatomy in it. I just hate Denny so much, it’s irrational I know; I haven’t even seen The Losers because of my Denny loathing. If the movie was all Roarshack it would have been perfect.

  13. ARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!

    Whew, that felt good…lemme do it again!

    ARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!

    You know what that is? That’s the sound I make when a sock gets caught in the utility tub drain, causing the washing machine water to overflow aaaaaaalllll over the utility room floor, clear into the kitchen. It went under the utility room cabinets (where I had extra boxes of canned cat food…sopping wet boxes of canned cat food 😛 … ), under the utility tub (where I keep the bleach and stuff…and GODAWFUL SPIDERS! 😯 ), and into the kitchen and under the table, all the way up to the mat in front of the kitchen sink (a good 16 feet, I’m guessing). Fortunately it didn’t get under the kitchen cabinets or refrigerator, because they would have been a pain in the arse to move. I’ve had this happen a couple times (damn those socks!), but this was, by far, the worst yet. Usually when it happens the water flows forward into the hamper, but we had raised the front legs of the sink for better drainage and by doing so the water flowed out the side and back of the sink instead of the front like it used to.

    Needless to say, I was late for work. The bright side? My floors have never been cleaner! 😀

    😛

    das

  14. Hang on a second, Cookie. Didn’t you say just a couple of weeks ago:

    Tree tings monster hate most in dis world: injustice, poverty, and movies dat run more den two hours.

    I’d forgotten how long Watchmen was (even the 2:45 version I watched) so it was probably a mistake to start watching it at 9:45pm on a Sunday night. Anyway, I decided to stick it out and snooze at my desk on Monday afternoon.

    I remember a lot of criticism about it when it came out. A lot of reviews I read said it was too confusing and only watchable by fans of the comic. I had never seen the comic (in fact, I’d never even heard of Watchmen before) but I had no problem following the story. Perhaps people were just complaining that they had to think while watching a superhero movie rather than having bland crap shoved down their throats.

    I must say, I was a bit distracted by Doctor Manhattan’s penis! Not because I’m a prude but just because I was surprised to see it in an American blockbuster movie. Normally I have to watch something with subtitles to see that sort of stuff!

    Anyway, I do enjoy Watchmen. Watching it this time round I did cringe when Rorschach started doing the voice over. I, too, had flashbacks to The Spirit. I think they could have done without the voice over but, I guess, it’s a standard comic book device so by being so faithful to the comic they needed to have the voice over.

    I’m going to have to locate the 3-hour BluRay now. I didn’t know there was a director’s cut.

    Certainly one of the best superhero movies we’ve seen.

  15. @ivonbartokfans

    Bamford is also the Stunt guy for Arrow too. He and his team do a good job on that too.

    Kinda makes me wonder who would do the stunt stuff if MGM ever decided to do another Stargate movie and he was busy with that.

  16. Das wrote – “Imagine Cookie Monster nekkid…and bald.”

    …..hum……hum……hum…. Sorry. I got nothing.

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