What dat stink? Cheese? Crap? Oh, right. Me just watched Daredevil, so it be both.
Movie begin wit young Matt Murdock whose father be a bum. We get cloying, painfully obvious shots of him cleaning up dad’s beer bottles. When he visit dad at work at de dockyards, he told father doesn’t work dere. He about to leave when he just happen to coinsidentally (!) walk by alley where pops be ruffing up some guy. Oooooh. His father DOES work dere! Just not doing legitimate work. Young Matt so upset dat he turn and leave, dropping his straight A report card in a puddle. Camera linger on dis shot. Hoo boy. Subtle dis movie aint. Me surprised it not include voice-over narration telling any troglodytes in de audience what, exaktly, be going on.
Oh. Monster stand corrected. Dere IS voice-over narration for troglodytes. But not until later.
Anyhoo, young Matt leaving dockyard get blinded by chemikals. BUT he also granted special powers: superhearing, agility. He show off dese skills in fight sekwence to Hoobaskank song. No. Really.
If monster may, me want to take a moment to comment on choice of musik for dis movie. It suck. Tanks. Back to review.
Father very sad and make it up to his son by not trowing fight – and getting murdered by gangster he double-crossed. Way to go, dad. His killer leave calling card on his corpse: single red rose. Why? So movie can offer contrived revenge ending of course!
Fast-forward. Matt an adult now. We see him wake up in special sealed chamber dat protekt his super sensitive hearing. Den we see him put on Nickelback and listen to it FULL BLAST! Take DAT super-sensitive hearing. And good taste.
Movie unfurl its tapestry of cliches. Matt offer his gravelly-voice voice-over (for some reason, his voice NOT gravelly otherwise). We introduced to snickering, one-dimensional bad guys who kill innocent people just becuz, oooh, dey so bad. We treated to rent-a-monkey dialogue: “What do you want?” “Justice!” “Time to give the devil his due.” Audience also treated to irritating romantik sub-plot as blind Matt Murdock hit on sexy girl, Elektra, in coffee shop. He follow her to park where dey take part in stoopidest sparring sekwence in movie history. Den, dey end up on a rooftop kissing in de rain while sappy musik plays. Monster not seen chemistry like dis since Gigli.
Bad guy Kingpin hire bad guy Bullseye to kill Elektra’s dad. She tink Daredevil responsible and go after him. She stab him, pull off his mask and realize…he really Matt. And, suddenly, she all sad. Uh, two minutes ago, you believed dis guy killed your dad, no? Bullseye appear, do a little stabby-stabby, and trow Elektra off roof.
Daredevil hunts down Bullseye and trow him out window. “Bullseye!”he say when he land on car. Damn, how much dey pay dose monkey writers?
Daredevil hunt down Kingpin but, instead of killing him (becuz, oh yeah, he somehow responsible for killing his daddy), he stop himself. Why? Becuz, he say, “I’m not de bad guy.” Huh? You just trew Bullseye out a window. And earlier in movie, you trew gangster onto subway tracks. NOW you not a bad guy??? Daredevil inform Kingpin: “Justice is served.” Boy, dat’s gold. Write, monkey, write!
Movie end wit reporter Ben Urich writing an article about Daredevil dat reveal his true identity, den deleting it. What kind of idiot write out an entire article only to delete it de second dey finish? Oh, yeah. Monster forget. De kind of writer dat be a charakter in very contrived movie.
Speshul mention should be made of performances. Michael Clarke Duncan and Colin Farrell overact so badly dey cross into parody territory. By de way, little known fakt about Colin Farrell – he be acting equivalent of broccoli. You may not like him but Hollywood will keep shoving him down your throat so F U. Worst performance go to Ben Affleck who, easily, de most annoying ting about a movie full of annoyances. Truly, Ben Affleck be embodiment of de Hollywood Dream. Every kid watching at home can look at Ben Affleck and say: “If dat guy can be considered a serious aktor, den dere’s hope for anyone!”.
Me have seen lots of bad movies for dis movie club but Daredevil be one dat aktually make monster angry. Why? Becuz it be a giant turd for only one of two possible reasons. Either: a) producers too stoopid to realize dey be making a garbage film or b) producers realize and don’t care becuz dey figure WE’RE too stoopid and will watch anyting.
Dis movie be de worst possible example of what Hollywood TINK a superhero movie should be wit a lazy skript, embarrassing direktion, and performances dat range from inept to laughably over de top.
Verdikt: If dis movie was a guy, monster would kick him in de grapes. Repeatedly.
Rating: 1 chocolate chippee cookie.
Today’s blog entry be dedikated to Deni!
Tanks for the dedikation, Cookie, means a lot to me. xoxo
Sadly, I’m away for the weekend (having a relaxing time in Prince Edward Island!) and I didn’t manage to get a copy of this piece of utter dreck. I do remember seeing it on video (or maybe it was on The Movie Channel) and actually not finishing watching it. Just awful. I kinda wish in this case that I had seen it, so I could rip on it along with you, Cookie. But only kinda.
Ben Affleck strikes me as another example of what you mention of Colin Farrell. No matter how many times he brings a movie down, he keeps. getting. work. And in pretty big budget films, no less. Good agent, I guess. Or maybe, a really bad one.
@Deni, sorry to hear about your baby,,{{hugs}}
~~I remember seeing parts of this movie and now I am glad it was only parts, eek my eyes!! Thanks Cookie for taking one for the team, I will make you some cookies to make up for this bad bad thing you had to see.
Joe, that April 20 date threw me for a loop! LOL!! Give that Cookie Monsta a calendar!
You said you liked BREAKING BAD, so hopefully you caught Louis Ferreira guest starring in last night’s episode. He’ll be back again in the next episode.
Another one of your pictures – properly credited – was posted on Ferreira Fest 32 today. Stop by if you get a chance: http://ferreira_fest.livejournal.com
Toodles!!
@ Deni , I’m so sorry about Molly. If I may, I’ll add my {{{hugs}}} as well. Our fur kids are indeed a blessing, a joy and live forever in our memories. Take care of yourself. ♥
2cats
@ Deni – so sorry to hear the news of your beloved Molly. My heart goes out to you during this rough period. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
I say lets keep making Cookie Monster review these inept, giant turd, grape kicking movies. These stinkers are a lot more fun!
@anneteldy: Hey! It’s good to hear from you. I was getting a little worried. I’m sorry that you’ve been so ill, but glad you are on the road to recovery.
@Deni: I’m sorry to hear about your dog. My condolences.
@Cookie: I could have told you this was not a Joe or Cookie kind of movie. I thought it was okay; not the best superhero movie, but certainly not the worst. And for me Evanescence is kind of a guilty pleasure; they’re on some of my workout playlists. I could have sworn I posted earlier, but it seems to have vanished. I expect it is floating – lost in the aether – and will appear later tonight.
So are we at the end of the superhero movie run? Oh, wait. I just saw the new list. Well, at least I own X2. Hmmm. Haven’t seen Hulk. Liked Hellboy (and Hellboy 2). Catwoman, eh? Oh, you’re gonna hate that one…
@Joe: Have you read John Scalzi’s lastest – Redshirts? I’m only about 30 pages into it, but am really enjoying it. I’ll withhold final judgement until I get to the end, but I think you might like this one.
Joe, when you get to Hollywood, maybe you should not mention you know Cookie. He is not winning friends.
Poor Cookie Monster, he’s had to endure one bad movie after another, surely at some point, Cookie Monster might break down, cursing his fate of having to endure the direness of these movies Lol
I don’t remember any movies getting a 5 cookie rating.
Thanks for the well wishes!
Never saw Daredevil. Sounds like I didn’t miss much. It won’t be going on my Netflix queue.
Anne Teldy
@Deni: I’m sorry for your loss.
@Anne Teldy: Glad to hear you’re feeling better.
@Cookie: CATWOMAN gets one cookie in advance from me because Peter Williams had a featured role.
@Joe: Good news at medical appointments today. Hope to plan next YVR trip by end of week.
If Daredevil made Cookie angry then Elektra will send him into epileptic fits. Oscar the Grouch on steroids will seem down right pleasant. I went into the movie with a flask of booze and still walked out. If you have a get out of jail free card hidden anywhere I’d suggest playing it on that.
So, Cookie, was that the theatrical version, or the director’s cut?
das
Direktor’s Cut. De better (?) version.
😆 So just imagine what the theatrical release was like!
I found the movie entertaining enough, and Mr. Das likes it a lot. I actually own it because I picked it up for cheap (like, $3) a few years ago – that’s how I came to watch it in the first place. My biggest problem with it is that horrible playground/park scene…it was like Daredevil Meets Singing in the Rain (no offense to the latter, it’s one of my favorite movies, but you just don’t expect that sort of 1950s musical choreography to pop up in an action hero movie).
Of course, I’ve never really followed Daredevil so maybe if I knew more about his character and his foes the movie would have bugged me more.
das
I actually liked this movie. These two eventually grow up and make better movies and cuter babies together. Now that’s a sappy love story, and I only need a few things to make a pie of Happily Ever After.
@Deni. Read your for tweet about Molly. Xxoooxoxoxoxo.
@Deni: So sorry to read about Molly! I hope you’re holding up okay and of course know that everyone here is thinking of you.
@Airelle, 2cats, PBMom, gilder, Sparrow and Ponytail (and if I missed anyone, please forgive me): Thanks so much for the kind words, so appreciated.
One of our cats got playful about an hour ago (it’s 6:30 a.m. right now) and jumped up on my bed, almost took my toe off with her claws, and jumped off. She was playing (I think), but my toe is mangled. Blood everywhere, and I’m pissed off and in pain! I need a vacation…
News of Note:
1. BOO kitty thinks his name is “NO!”.
2. BOO kitty thinks my legs are a repelling wall.
3. BOO kitty thinks it’s great funsies to go splishy-splash in the water bowl and then ‘paw paint’ aaaaalll over the kitchen floor. If I fall and break my ass one of these days we’ll all know who’s to blame. 😛
das
I watched this at the flicks when it came out, but not watched it since, and for all the reasons that Cookie writes about. I must admit though, the worse the film is, the more interesting and amusing Cookie’s reviews are.
JeffW: I’m glad I could help. Sorry, but I don’t know Nashville that well. Most of my friends have moved to the outlying areas and we eat at the local places (Goodlettsville/Gallatin). I’ll ask around for you though. Which area are you staying? Oh and BBQ Omelet? Yuck! I like BBQ but not for breakfast. You have at it though!
I remember Daredevil and it was pretty sucky. Cookie was being generous with one cookie. Personally, I think this sinks to the sugar free cookie range.
Das: Poor little Boo. So much to do and so much trouble to get into. Life should be that simple for everyone…. We have a litter of kittens at the h. s. that are in the “prickly pear stage” (4 weeks give or take). So tiny but those kittens can climb!
Deni: How are you doing today? Anakin doing ok?
@Tam Dixon: Hanging in there, just felt like sleeping all day. Anakin, as far as I know, is doing great! xo
I think it’s easy to rip into Daredevil but upon this most recent viewing I have to admit I didn’t mind it. I watched the Director’s cut so that might have something to do with it. I remember watching this in the cinema and thinking “Meh” (or whatever the equivalent of “Meh” was in 2003).
In particular the fight scene in the park was very lame. It looked to me like they’d both read a martial arts book once and were repeating the moves from that. My friend who has a black belt in karate was laughing his head off. A lot of the wire work was equally lame. The whole point of suspending your actors off wires is to give the impression that they can jump great heights and distances but unless you also adhere to at least some of the laws of gravity, momentum and inertia it just looks stupid. Several times in this movie the character would do this huge jump and then gently float to the ground as light as a feather. No, no, no! Even if they have super strength to jump from one building to another they will still fall at the same speed as everyone else.
Ben Affleck was totally miscast and was not believable as a superhero, a lawyer or a blind dude. That is all I have to say on that matter.
Likewise, Jennifer Garner was totally unbelievable as the Greek daughter of a billionaire who is also a martial arts expert. I don’t get it, was she a superhero before she met Daredevil or did she decide to fight crime after what happened to her dad (and also so they could make another movie)?
I really liked the sonar view that showed us how Daredevil “saw” things. That was pretty cool and well done. I could really imagine that that is how things would be like if you had super hearing. But, if hearing was your main sense, why would you design a mask that goes and covers your ears? For that matter, why would you even design the mask to have eye holes/shades?
It was interesting to see Jon Favreau as Ben Affleck’s lawyer partner. He would later go on to direct Iron Man and Iron Man 2.
And did anyone spot Kevin Smith as the morgue pathologist? And, of course, there was Stan Lee in is usual cameo.
I quite liked Michael Clarke Duncan as the Kingpin but I’m a fan of most things he’s done because he’s just so bloody BIG! When he flexes his arms they look like VW beetles trying to park!
And I also liked Colin Farrell as Bullseye. He was over the top but he was so gratuitously evil that I thought it worked. Perhaps he was toned down in the theatrical version but in the Director’s cut he was very psychotic.
Yes, it’s not a great movie and there’s a lot wrong with it but it feels like people hate it a lot more than it deserves.
I’d give it three chocolate chip cookies and an Oreo with the white stuff licked out out of ten.
@Deni: I’m so sorry. That dreadful trip to the vet is something I am hoping I will never have to do. Your story about your cat did remind me of this:
according to a behind the scenes thing they supposedly originally wanted colin farrell to be daredevil & ben affleck for bullseye.
stuff like this is probably why affleck is doing more directing these days.
@ Tam Dixon – I swear he’s the devil incarnate! This week he’s not only discovered water bowl ‘paw painting’, but the top of the kitchen table, how to unravel the trim of the button stool, how to get on the front porch (ooo! SCARRRRRY!), and the sofa (ooo! Commmmmmfy…OOOO…Bite! Bite the pillows and kill them DEAD!!!). I think he’s about two months old now (we’ve had him 4 weeks, I believe, and he was at least 5 weeks old when we found him). I can’t wait for him to discover the toilet, the breakables, and countertops. 😛
@ Line Noise – I just LURVE Simon’s Cat! I’ve seen that one before, and it still cracks me up! 😆
das
Thanks to Line Noise, I found this one – this IS BOO and Big Girl!! Almost like watching a home video!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VLcLH97eRw
😆
das
@Line Noise: That was hilarious, and really reminded me of Bobbycat this morning. 🙂
@das and line noise: cute cat videos; I can just imagine Big Girl and Boo doing just those things.
Whoops, saw the pic of Colin Farrel and I wondered when he’d done an ep of Stargate.
Hi famous Anne Teldy, hi! Just saw some news about Janina getting cast on a new show, very cool, and I’m hoping Major Anne Teldy herself will make another NCIS appearance.