I came across a couple of interesting spam emails in my yahoo account the other day. The first was a cryptic business proposal that went like this: “we are a group of business men who deal on import and export raw materials into the canada,america AND europe.We are searching for representatives who can help us establish a medium of getting to our costumers in the a Canada, America AND Europe as well as making payments through you to us.”

I wrote back to their representative, Mr. Zemin. Or, more to the point, Baron Destructo wrote back:

“Dear Human Scum,

Your business proposal sounds positively fascinating insofar as it doesn’t really say anything about the means by which I am to facilitate the import and export of your mysterious raw materials. Nevertheless, you have an honest name, Zemin being the name of my great aunt who, while inarguably a harpy through and through, still found the time to raise two lovely daughters and one positively grotesque son that she kept chained in the attic of her summer residence until the time he broke free during Count Otto Smallberries’ bris ceremony – and so I will place my utmost faith in you and your exceptionally cryptic offer. In fact, I see an opportunity for both of us here as I can make use of your import/export services to ship certain items I’m having a little trouble moving. Nothing of note, just your run-of-the-mill laser bifocals, fleshing-eating sentient gels, and army of robot chimps.

Let me know how you’d like to proceed,

Despisingly yours,

Baron Destructo

Cc: Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.”

The second bit of spam started this way: “Compliment Of The Season, On a very good day. I am (MR ISIAKA) a senior staff in file department in Bank Of African (B.O.A).I got your contact from a Yahoo Tourist Search.”

Yahoo Tourist Search? I didn’t even bother reading the rest of the email. Again, I deferred to Baron Destructo who wrote back:

“Well, Yahoo Tourist Search didn’t steer you wrong. Our League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil moonbase headquarters made this year’s Travel + Leisure Magazine’s Top 10 Places to Visit While You Die list, beating out the likes of Lord Demoniac’s Firepit and Winnebago Emporium, the spider-pirate homeworld of Blazzgat 3, and the brand new High School Musical 5 theme park in Slovakia. We boast first rate accommodations, state of the art surveillance, and in-room services including single-finger spousal dispatchment, cybernetic body grafting, and, of course, wireless networking.

While you are with us, would you please be so kind as to observe the following rules:

1. Please make sure to provide proper I.D. upon request at check-in. Failure to do so may result in delays processing your reservation, the unavailability of certain amenities, or a powerful electric shock administered to your nether regions.

2. The moonbase is liable for damage to items that have been taken onto the premises by a registered guest. The moonbase, however, is not liable for damage to registered guests.

3. Guests are to check out of their room by no later than 10:00 a.m. on the last day of their stay. If guests fails to do so, the moonbase is entitled to beat them senseless, claim their brains, and turn their bodies over to Dr. Catastro for experimentation. A nominal fee may also be charged for the late check-out.

4. Guests may not move furnishings such as couches and mutation chambers, or interfere with the electrical or nuclear network or any other weapons of mass destruction installations in the moonbase or on the premises of the moonbase without the consent of the management.

5. Lounges and common rooms are available for receiving visitors, luring unwitting victims into traps, and the general planning of evil-doing.

6. If the guest becomes ill or injured, the moonbase will ensure the provision of medical assistance or, if that fails, a lovely cremation compliments of Star Father‘s Celestio‘s Wand of Infinite Deaths.

7. Guests are not to disturb other guests accommodated in the moonbase but for the purposes of murder, premeditated or otherwise.

8. Complaints and suggestions are accepted and duly ignored. If you’re lucky. Otherwise, expect a good slapping.

9. Guests are obliged to pay for any damage they cause. Oh, how they’ll pay.

10. Dress appropriately while inside the moonbase. For example –
Chainmail battle suits and Fire-Retardant Body Stockings = Acceptable.
Tank tops and flip flops = Unacceptable.

11. Please shower and dry yourself off before entering the main lobby after swimming or bathing in the blood of some unsuspecting victim.

12. Alcohol will only be served to students with the permission of the group leader.

13. An open credit card deposit may be required upon arrival as security against non-accidental damage by guests. This will be returned on departure. Of course that’s provided you survive your stay.

Finally – When can we expect you? How long are you planning to stay? Is there anything we can do to make your time with us if not more comfortable then at least not as hellish as that experience by that group of Norwegian tourists that got on the wrong side of Glaxnor the Miscreant?

Looking forward to harvesting your organs,

Baron Destructo

Cc: Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.”

No mailbag today as I’ll be getting ready to attend a special advance screening of The Ark of Truth tonight. I have no idea how Rob Cooper is going to squeeze a couple of hundred people into his basement screening room, so it’s best if I get there early. Pics and a full report tomorrow. Hopefully.

P.S. A happy belated birthday to Sue!