Monster apologize for lengthy highatus but lets just say me pick terruble time to book Strait of Hormuz cruise. However, me back and ready to watch de hottest movie of 2026!
Unfortunately, on way to see Backrooms, Monster wander thru wrong doorway, end up in screening of Supergirl, and not able to find way out. So me review dat movie instead.
Movie begin wit introduktion to Supergirl, Kara, who be complete opposite of cuzin Superman. While he believe in truth, justice, and proper hygiene, she be a drunk filthier den Oscar de Grouch after St. Patrick’s Day.
We den introduced to spunky sidekick, Ruthye. She on revenge qwest against villainous brigand and bargain basement Road Warrior Krem who killed her family after dey served him blueberry pie…wit a hunting knife. Me guess they were all out of spoons. Anyway, sword-wielding kid walk into a bar…Stop Monster if you heard dis one before…Sword-wielding kid walk into a bar looking for information about Krem. Instead, someone try to steal her beloved dad sword. So Supergirl steal it back for her.
Ruthye follow Supergirl back to her space-Winnebago where Supergirl pees wit de bathroom door open. What next for DCU? Wonder Woman takes a dump? Despite Ruthye sob story, Supergirl not willing to help UNTIL….Krem (aka Half-ass Cosplay Pinhead) COINCIDENTALLY show up, steal space-Winnebago, and poison super-mutt Krypto wit slow-acting poison. Turn out to save Krypto, Supergirl have to track down antidote! And who have antidote? Why Krem of course. How lucky lucky for Ruthye. And for screenwriter who not have to go thru all de trouble of coming up wit clever plotting!
After stage-weight action sekewence wit tech pirates and a space bus dat look suspiciously like Starbug from Red Dwarf, dey go to space cantina where Supergirl gets into a fight wit alien patrons while, for some reazon, stage performer keeps singing Irving Berlin’s “Cheek to Cheek” even tho dis planet likely a billion light years from Earth. Surprisingly, dis only de second most annoying musikal-fight sekwence in dis film.
Enter Jason Momoa as cigar-chomping, motorcycle-riding Rocky Horror Pictures Show Aquaman who ALSO looking for Krem. He not interested in teaming up wit Supergirl and/or Ruthye – but Monster have a feeling de fates, and contrived script, will find a way to bring dem together in de end!
After girl-talk-slumber-party scene, we get backstory to destruktion of Krypton, a planet full of people so brilliant dey could barely cobble together two eskape spaceships between dem. Kara (aka Supergirl) sent to Earth where she meet Superman who remind Cookie Monster of Christopher Reeve…de time he show up for like tree seconds riding a bicycle in dat Bobby Brown muzik video.
Then Ruthye end up captured by Krem’s boys but fortunately she able to eskape by beating guy three times her size and weight. She free Sons of Anarky Aquaman who also, coincidentally, imprisoned wit her. Dey eskape. And immediately run into brigands!
But just when it look like Temu Klingon Krem going to kill Ruthye…SUPERGIRL COME TO DE RESKUE! However, she poisoned wit Kryptonite and getting weaker…
But just went it look like brigand going to kill her….HOT TOPIC AQUAMAN COME TO DE RESKUE! Cue movie’s most annoying musikal-fight sekewence.
But just when it look like GWAR roadie Krem going to kill Ruthye again…SUPERGIRL COME TO DE RESKUE!
And just when it look like another brigand going to kill Ruthye…SUPERGIRL COME TO DE RESKUE!
And just when it look like another brigand going to attack Supergirl…SOME RANDOM WOMAN COME TO DE RESKUE!
How many more times dis happen? Monster not remember. At dis point, even de Count give up counting.
Skyrim bandit chief Krem captured. Ruthye want revenge for her family, but Supergirl talk her out of it – so SHE can have satisfaction of killing Krem herself. Yes, Supergirl kill unarmed prisoner becuz she a bad-ass and complete opposite of Superman who never kill anyone (except all dose collateral civilians in Man of Steel).
Supergirl get antidote and save Krypto. De End.
And just in time. Monster leaving for Black Sea scuba excursion tomorrow!
VERDIKT: Drab cinematography as bleak as Kara’s soul. Action skewences as empty as de theater seats. Villain as bland as Grover’s One-Ingredient Risotto. Overall, Supergirl feel like not so much a love letter to Mad Max and Guardians of de Galaxy as a curt email.
RATING: 2.5/5 chocolate chippee cookies.
Leave a Reply