The Odyssey (2026)
Everybody highly recommend, so Monster go see movie at IMAX but honestly not sure what all de hype about. For $40 bucks, me sit on lazy-boy in basement dat smell like socks. Finally, guy who take my money at de door introduce himself. “Hi. I Max,”he say.
“Me Cookie Monster,”I say.
Max tell me dat if me use bathroom, have to leave 50 cents on sink. Number two = 25 cents extra. Also, if his parents come home early, Monster have to leave through basement window.
Wit pleasantries out of de way and empty Big Gulp on hand for emergency evakuation (Monster save up to 75 cents, depending on how popcorn settle!), me sit back to watch de film Rotten Tomato critics apparently love more den deir own children.
Movie begin wit Homer’s most beloved charakter, Sinon, running to meet Trojan soldiers. What? You not remember beloved Sinon from Homer’s Odyssey? Haha! Of course not. Because Sinon not a character from Homer’s Odyssey. He be character from Virgil’s Aenus. Christopher Nolan test your knowledge of original text wit classic crossover – and you fail, audience! Also, starting movie wit non-Homer element be way for Nolan to let audience know dis aint your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather’s Odyssey!
So before getting kilt, Sinon tell Trojans dat giant horse washed up on shore of beach be a gift from de Greeks. But you know what dey say. “Beware Greeks bearing gifts?” No, not dat one. “Don’t look a gift horse in de mouth?” Yep, dat’s de one. Don’t look a gift hose in de mouth. Becuz if they did, they would see horse be filled wit Greek soldiers and ruin surpize.
Instead, Trojans don’t look gift horse in de mouth and drag it back home Which beg question: Why Greeks dropped horse off on beach where water seep in, forcing dem to breathe out of straws and drowning some soldiers? Why not drop it off further away from beach on dry land? Want to know why? Becuz – SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
Next, we go to palace in Ithaca overrun by suitors chowing down like Grover’s family at Golden Corral. Suitors want to get wit Queen Penelope. Her hubby, Odysseus, been gone for years but his son, Telemachus the Bland really be missing his daddy. He be like: “Yo dude, my paw-paw comin’ back to de crib!” But suitors not believe him.
Next we treated to flashback scene where blind John Legoozooomoo throw puppies off a cliff.
Back to suitors eating and Telemachus the Bland pining over his daddy. At dis point, cutaways and flashbacks feel so disjointed Monster wonder if Nolan should have spent de extra money and hired an editor. But maybe blew it all on Legoozoomaanoo. So Telemachus the Bland decide to go off and find his Pop-Pops. Where he be?
Turn out Odysseus be hanging wit de beautiful Calypso who be erasing his memories by feeding him lotus flowers (instead of straight bourbon which Oscar de Grouch prefer). Yes, Odysseus eat flowers and forget. Sort of. Becuz Odysseus have convenient plot amnesia dat allow him to remember just enuf to forward de plot when necessary.
Odysseus flashback to Trojans erecting gift horse statue in city. Which beg question: Why Greeks designed stealth horse standing on back legs so dat Greeks inside all have to stand on each others heads? Why not design horse standing flat or lying down so at least Greeks inside can sit or stand comfortably? Want to know why? Becuz – SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
We flashback to how Odysseus and his fellow Greeks set sail. Dey stumble into cave of cyclops who snack on a couple of dem, so dey blind Cyklops and sneak out of cave. Odysseus, for some reason, fire arrow at Cyklops, pissing it off. Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE CYKLOPS GET US!!!
Odysseus and his fellow Greeks explore another land and get attacked by giants! Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE GIANTS GET US!!!
Odysseus and his men contact de dead who do nothing but complain. Den it’s RUN! RUN! BACK TO DE SHIPS BEFORE DE GREEK ZOMBIES GET US!!!
At some point, dey turned into pigs but it all fixed wit an apology and just a terrible misunderstanding
More flashbacks. Vortex! Rock snakes! Forbidden BBQ! At one point, Odysseus lash himself to ship’s mast so he can endure song of Sirens without succumbing to existential breakdown – which, coincidentally, be how Big Bird got through dis movie.
And Odysseus finally remember his beloved Penelope in time for third act of movie! Guilt-ridden and broody, like Batman or Oppenheimer transplanted into Homer’s The Odyssey, he build raft and head out to sea.
He return to Ithaca where he meet up wit John Lezgoomono who be burning his doggies after dey all got kilt. Odysseus get revenge on dog killers and reunited wit wishy-washy son who, you can tell, Odysseus feel easily de most disappointing delivery since Apple Vision Pro.
Movie amazingly able to squeeze in one more dog death as Odysseus return home in time for his old doggy to die. Burdened wit de memories of all de people he killed in Troy and feeling absolutely terrible about it, Odysseus proceed to slaughter a roomful of unarmed suitors. And, in de end, we all learn some very valuable lessons like war be bad, and Zeus’s Law: “Always be a good host!”.
While we on the subject, other valuable lessons inklude:
Icarus’s Law: “Reach for de sky!”
Sisyphus’s Law: “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again!”
Achilles’ Law: “Put your best foot forward!”
Pandora’s Law: “It’s what’s inside dat counts!”
Agamemnon’s Law: “Dere’s no place like home!”
And Poseidon’s Law: “Wait 30 minutes after you eat before going for a swim!”
Verdikt: Dis movie a magnificent moussaka wit zucchini instead of eggplant, no lamb, and topped wit American cheese. If you enjoy grand spectakle, flat characters, dogs dying, and sitting for tree hours (but Calypso lotus eating scenes make it feel like six) den dis de movie for you! If not, den – SHUT UP, HATER! DIS MOVIE NOT MADE FOR YOU! LET PEOPLE ENJOY TINGS DAT NOT MAKE SENSE! STOP GATEKEEPING!
Rating: 2.5 out of 5 chocolate chippee cookies.
Leave a Reply