Boy, dere be nothing worse den doing someting really embarrassing like slipping on a banana peel and falling down a flight of stairs or making a really shitty movie.  Fortunately, dere be convenient way to cover such faux-pas.  Just adopt ye old “Me meant to do dat!” excuse. Ie –

Rosita burn down Mr. Hooper’s store during Cinque de Mayo celebrations = “Me meant to do dat!”

Bert and Ernie misplace Elmo during White Party in Miami = “Me meant to do dat!”

Grover pass out at strip club and wake up wit shaved ass = “Me meant to do dat!”

So Monster have sneaking suspicion dat, at some point during produktion of dis movie, producers realize Black Scorpion going to be a massive turd.  Instead of pulling plug, dey make tweaks to movie to make it seem intentionally cheesy.  Unfortunately, it such a slap-dash patchy job dat movie end up feeling like a schizophrenic Frankenstein monster who REALLY like to show her boobies.  A lot.

Movie begin wit cop father telling young daughter, Darcy, terrible age-inappropriate bedtime story about lying killer scorpion.  Monster suppose it could have been worse.  He could have told her de one about hooker and pirate wit peg leg.

After telling story, father go out and gun down some bad guys.  And an innocent ER doctor.

Years later, Darcy grow up to be a cop.  She be pretty good – until her father gunned down and she get kicked of police force for threatening killer wit gun.  It lead to dis fantastik exchange:

Police Chief: You’re suspended.

Darcy: It’s because I’m a woman.

Police Chief: It’s because you pulled a gun on a suspect.

Darcy: But he killed my father!

Oh.  Okay.

So what a girl to do?

Well, if you’re DIS girl, you dress up in totally inappropriate unwieldly outfit, don mask, call yourself Black Scorpion and go out and fight crime.  She beat up bad guys.  She use her energy boots to jump really high.  Wait.  Energy boots?  How she get energy boots?

Dey call him Argyle because…er…search monster.

Eventually, our heroine confide her true identity to someone.  Her supportive detective partner she in love wit?  Of course not.  How about some goofy criminal.  Better!  But why she confide in him? Because she need him to turn her car into a poor woman’s batmobile.

Percival J. Smogley III

Meanwhile, not-so-super villain who look like reject from de old Mighty Morphin Power Rangers t.v. series enact plan to bas entire city.  He warn everybody and tell dem to pick up gas masks at Bureau of Research and Engineering and Atmospheric Technology for Health. Yep, for some reason, BREATH corner de market on gas masks.  And no one de least bit suspicious.  Villain survey de street-level panic on his wall of twenty-four t.v. screens.  But because he too cheap pay for cable, all twenty-four monitors show de same channel.

Big anti-climactic climax take place at….BREATH headquarters! Surprised?  Me not want to spoil big reveal dat ER doctor shot by Black Scorpion’s father secret identity of villain so please do not read dis sentence.

Movie end wit partner telling fellow cops dat Darcy save de day!  And dey all laugh because, of course, Darcy a girl.

VERDIKT: Gratuitous nudity greatly appreciated, but not enough.

RATING: 3  chocolate chippee cookies.

11 thoughts on “September 23, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Black Scorpion!

  1. Just before you put this up on your sidebar as our next movie, Netflix recommended this to me. I can’t get over how much like a female version of Scorpius from Farscape she looks like. Which, I guess makes sense given the whole scorpion thing. But it was too much for me to want to watch it. Seems like a good choice on my part.lol

  2. Boy, that one was a stinker! I agree Cookie, it felt like at some point they decided that the movie truly did suck and tried to make it campy. However, they even failed at that. It wasn’t nearly campy enough to be fun, and not nearly good enough to be enjoyable. This movie is like what you would get if you tried to do a caricature of an actual movie, but it didn’t come out quite right. Or anywhere near right. They certainly made liberal use of the Big Book of Cop Movie Cliches.

    Oh, and I assumed her energy boots were powered by the same 9-volt battery as her super Scorpion badge that apparently was only used to brand her not-boyfriend/partner during their “love” scene.

    Although practically every scene begged for criticism, here’s a few:

    They didn’t check the criminals they were carrying into the hospital for firearms? What kind of policeman is this guy?? Does he realize that all those deaths were the result of his breathtaking incompetence? He did wind up doing “stadium security”, so there is that. Well, and dead.

    Her partner’s one half-closed eye drove me up the wall. I couldn’t stop looking at it and was completely distracted during every scene where you could see it.

    Wait, how did Black Scorpion know to appear just where crimes were about to happen? Like when the mugger attacked her prostitute friend. And how the hell did she hear about the thugs attacking the mayor’s car and then – within SECONDS – get her outfit on and get to the location? Was it just outside her apartment??

    So… why did her ex-partner invite her to go dinner (his apartment) and then sat close watching TV and then… turned her away? I guess he’s into… domination? Whatever flips your switch, I suppose. Oh, and I have just two words about the love scene – pancake nipples.

    Why is the whole point of B.R.E.A.T.H.’s plot not revealed until about the last 10 minutes of the movie? Is this supposed to sustain a sense of mystery? (*snort*) Who are all these people and their puffers helping him? Should we care?

    Black Scorpion even asks why would the villain announce his evil plan – why doesn’t he just do it. Yeah, good question. Of course, I also had that question about BANE, in that other movie whose title I forgot. Also when everyone, including the cops, where running down to B.R.E.A.T.H. headquarters for their gas masks, did they not consider actually raiding the place and arresting the Breathtaker? Idiots.

    Wait, why did Argyle give that long story about how Dr. Goddard almost died but didn’t quite and then say that Black Scorpion’s father killed him?

    Was the Breathtaker’s death scene some kind of of rip off of the Anakin death scene in Return of the Jedi? I’m probably giving them too much credit.

    Wait… what did I miss? Why did her partner lose his memory? At the end, he appeared to have no memory of the recent events in the movie. Lucky bastard.

    At best, two giant nipple sized cookies for this one.

  3. Thanks Cookie for reviewing Black Scorpion.
    I think Joan Severance is one of the many underappreciated actresses out there.

  4. I have liked Joan Severance ever since she was in the TV series Wiseguy playing Kevin Spacey’s sister. Freaky but very interesting siblings.

  5. @ Debra From The South – 😆 !!!! Love it!! And love Canadians all the more! 😀

    BTW, where the hell is everyone??! I’ve been out of commission with my back (incredible pain – doc says it’s a muscle spasm. RICE – rest, ice, compression and…Everclear!! 😀

    (I’ve had Everclear once – straight – it made my throat spasm and I nearly suffocated. Needless to say, I use it now only as a topical ointment. 😛 )


  6. I went parentheses crazy and didn’t finish my thought. Anyway – I’ve been out of commission with my back, so can’t sit here for long. This is a real pain because the weather is GORGEOUS – in the low 70s, dry, and sunny. I want to do yard work, but can hardly move. This happened once before – back in the winter, I believe – lasted 4 days and then suddenly I was fine. Hope this clears up just as quick!

    Hope all is well with you and your back, Joey. I promise to never make fun of your aches and pains ever again…today. 😀


  7. Non scorpion related post. Just finished Sunday without God and loved it. It had the right mix of hope and tragedy. Which was nice as you were never really quite sure we’re the series was going and how thing would play out. You should definitely add to your list. I’m finally caught up with attack on Titan and am sadly underwhelmed. It started off so smartly then turned left at random and headed off towards slowsville. Erin has turned from being the go getter to the dead weight slowing everyone down, it’s very odd.

  8. @Das: “BTW, where the hell is everyone??!” I’m here, just hiding from the newest virus running rampant in my house. Just got over a horrible cold (TWO WEEKS) and the grandson came up with a brand new one. But yeah, it does seem kinda quiet around here lately. 🙂 Feel better soon, kiddo!

    Hiya Joecito!

  9. Thanks for another save Cookie. I feel badly I keep not being able to watch these movies. But busy is good. This weekend I’ll be wall-to-wall dogs (and one cat) from 5:00 a.m. until 10:30 p.m. with maybe an hour in between morning and afternoon runs and afternoon and evening runs.

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