This episode first aired March 15, 1992.
This is the only episode of Columbo in which he doesn’t investigate a murder or directly match wits with the killer.
This is the first time we actually meet one of Columbo’s relatives – in this case, his nephew Andy Parma. I look forward to meeting more of his relatives in future episodes, like his aunt Moderna and Uncle Provolone.
Peter Falk, as the sole Executive Producer on the show, made the decision to acquire the rights to a couple of detective novels by Ed McBain, despite the fact that they bore no resemblance in structure or tone to Columbo. This was the first to be adapted. The second would be adapted in 1994 as “Columbo: Undercover”.
Despite this one being universally hated by most Columbo fans, it actually proved the highest rated of these later Columbo episodes. Go figure.
My thoughts on this episode in chronological viewing order…
Was No Time to Die a Bond title?
What’s with the typed kairons?
Columbo allowing himself to go grey. I like it.
His grandmother injured herself trying to ride a skateboard? Hmmm.
Weird decision by older men who elect to grow out their eyebrows.
Dancing Columbo!
The bridge kisses the photographer on the lips. Wut?
Wow. This exchange between the bride and groom in their hotel room is uber awkward. And then the goofball sings throughout his shower.
This handkerchief smells of…chloroform! Or maybe spearmint. Nope! Chloroform!
The Mystery of the Missing Bride!
The fallen shoe in the stairwell? Really? This is either a clever misdirect or a clunky clue. [Spoiler alert: clunky clue.]
Columbo takes a break form his homicide detecting to investigate this kidnapping because…It’s personal!
Oooh, the atmospheric alley. Wait! We need to investigate that cat!
Should Bill, the yakky cleaner, be eating that leftover food?
The van pulled out at exactly 11:30! Wonder if it stopped in the dead of night to pick up some smoked salmon. [Call back to a previous episode. Never mind.]
Did we really need to see that flashback to her kidnapping?
“No sense in letting this stuff go to waste,”says Columbo as he helps himself to the coffee and donuts.
Why does Columbo note the framed family photo on the nightstand?
This does NOT feel like a Columbo episode.
Why are we hiding the kidnapper’s identity? Is it going to be some shocking reveal that it’s actually the photographer? [Nope. In hindsight, absolutely no reason to obscure the kidnapper’s face.]
“You have no marriage because your marriage has not been consummated.” Hey, I don’t make the rules. I just take advantage of them.
Oh, he’s just some random lonely obsessed creep. BOOOORING.
Ooof. This Jabba the Hut character that can’t be found because the steam in the sauna is so thick.
Quick! Check the wedding photos for strangers!
The minutae of this investigation is intolerable.
There is nothing worse than a solitary character talking to themselves like this kidnapped bride voicing her thoughts for the audience.
Where are the humor and charm we’ve grown to expect from Columbo?
Lots of hand held camera work and lots of people hurrying here and there in an attempt to inject some life into this dreary affair.
Why is Columbo still wearing his tux? How much time has passed?
Why is Columbo insinuating he spent the night with the photographer?
So many shots of people hurrying.
Why the hell didn’t she vinegar both hinges at the same time instead of doing one, waiting for it to take effect, using the olive oil, removing the bolt, and then moving onto the next?
Aha! We’ve ID’d the ring! What a stroke of bad writing!
Oh, man, this stalker is all sorts of cheesy. I bet the writer of this episode REALLY LOVED Silence of the Lambs.
It says it right here in his yearbook! “Voted most likely to stalk and kidnap”!
Boy, they are really milking these investigative beats.
Careful! Her may nick you with that baby scalpel!
Look how crazy he is! He’s putting on lipstick! There’s not telling what he may be capable of!
It’s a race against time to stop him before…they’re officially married?
Does Columbo really need to convince them to cut the sirens?
What’s with this ABC Primetime action sequence – bursting through the door, crashing through the window.
Well, the guy DID kidnap his bride so I guess Jimmy Parmesan is within his rights to shoot him dead.
Why the hell is Columbo carrying a gun. He hates guns!
“What time is it?” To cue the cheesy typed kairon.
What is with the circus music to end this episode?
WORST. EPISODE. EVER. I take back every critique of every episode I have ever made doing this Columbo marathon. Nothing comes close to the absolute lowly depths of “No Time to Die” that is not just atypical of the franchise, it’s simply NOT a Columbo episode. And Columbo isn’t Columbo in this episode. Also no amount of having characters walk quickly across parking lots is going to imbue this snoozy cheese fest with any sense of energy. My favorite scene is the one where two detectives I don’t know look through yearbooks at the school library. Riveting stuff!
Now I’ve heard terrible things about “Murder in Malibu” and “Columbo Likes the Nightlife”, but surely they can’t be anywhere as awful as “No Time to Die”. What do you think?
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Worst episode? Meh.
How did the kidnapper know they didn’t consummate the marriage? They could have had a quickie in the bathroom or at a dark place during the reception.
Who leaves their shoes on when they get undressed? I guess, she might have put the shoes back on after she took the wedding dress off but 🤷🏻♀️. Those gowns are expensive and you don’t want stains on the fabric.
How did the guy get into the room? He must have had a key but if that was explained, I missed it.
It looked like a nice wedding.
The humor was watching Columbo dance. Charming!
I didn’t mind the episode. It was just okay but my standards are lower than yours.
Those little surgical blades get dull very fast. He could get a few good cuts in but after that, he’d be sawing/jabbing.
Did you see the restaurant kitchen? 😬
Those eyebrows? I’ve noticed they didn’t start a lot of male hair landscaping in that era. The older actors all seem to have busy eyebrows and nose hair sticking out. Even their chests have hair and that’s not something you see a lot of these days. I think the old way makes the actors seem more relatable, like a normal person.
I skipped around a lot but that’s how my day is going. 👋🏻
Great review and you caught a few details I missed. I guess, my mind wondered through this episode.
Well, it is exactly what you said: NOT A COLUMBO EPISODE. A circus episode. But I’m still interested in the series because of your excellent reviews. And because it refers to simpler and more serene times.
I maintain that there are worse Columbo episodes, but I don’t truly even consider No Time to Die a Columbo episode. It’s like a Columbo fanfic and a really poor attempt at a generic thriller. I can’t disagree that this is the worst overall, but this one is such a nonentity that I consider it more of a disqualification. That said, one stupid thing about it that always bugged me was why did she spend all that time working on the hinges? Why not just punch a hole in what looks like regular drywall instead? The fork alone should be enough to get started on that and in less time than it took to painstakingly work the hinges. The guy left for work! It’s not like he’d have heard her punching holes in the walls. MacGyver she is not. But then… why did the hinges take so long too? How long was he really gone? Why am I even asking these questions? It’s all so stupid.
Now I’m curious to know which episodes you felt were worse.
Fair question. When I said I don’t consider it the worst Columbo I meant that it warrants its own category because it doesn’t even try to be Columbo. This isn’t even a matter of deliberately messing with the formula to subvert it; it was ignored entirely and instead we got a lousy TV movie adaptation of a book with a detective named Columbo thrown in that acts nothing like Columbo should. So it’s almost like an apples/oranges comparison. Of the ones you’ve reviewed so far my opinion is that Murder in Malibu is probably the worst actual attempt at Columbo, but there are a number of stinkers and it’s hard to pin it down to just one.
Oh, I’ve heard terrible things about Murder in Malibu. Still, I don’t consider it comparing apples and oranges because these aren’t different shows. This is a Columbo episode. Or, at least, it attempts to be.
I’m still way behind in my viewing. Now I’m tempted to skip the other episodes and watch this one just to see how bad it is!
Oh, it’s bad.
just testing…
My notes:
I like writing notes down. I feel like I’m grading the episode.
Nice wedding!! Expensive. Columbo is there. Mrs. in Chicago Mom broke hip.
Is Groom’s mom dying? She is so pretty but leaves to take a nap?
Columbo dances funny. He is groom’s uncle.
Bride & Groom go to their room. She disappears. Kidnapped?
He gets Columbo in his room. Columbo finds her shoe in stairwell. Sticks it in his pocket.
Talks to cleaning guy at nearby restaurant. Did that guy eat food off dirty plate? OMG!
Who came into room with chloroform? Did Columbo and Andy just smell the chloroform?
Who kidnapped her. He is obsessed. Keeping her in room.
Columbo working through the night. Interviewing people. Looking at wedding photos.
Kidnapper leaves. She tries to escape room.
Where did groom’s mother go??? Why a nap? Why couldn’t she stay?
Columbo has suspect just no name yet.
Bride gets out of room. Goes into another room and of course he catches her.
He stole an Ambulance?? He’s a doctor??
First Columbo I’ve seen where we find out along with him.
Make sure he’s dead!! Shoot him some more!!! Has Columbo ever shot his gun??
Very satisfying ending with kidnapper’s death.
Wonder if the actress who played the mom had vacation plans or something and could only film the one scene.
“Shoot him some more!!!” 😂