Calling dis movie “a comedy” be like calling orange soda “juice”. Blankman aktually offer less den 5% of de daily rekommended serving of laffs. It start promising enuf, den go downhill faster den a carob birtday cake delivery truck wit no brakes. Or a movie written by a ten year old – which me suspekt dis is.
Movie open wit great scene of two boyz trying to watch Batman. Recepshun bad so little genius create antenna using aloominum foil, string, and toilet (coinsidentally, dis also eqwipment Grover use to make his Blue Belly Crank ®All Rights Reserved, White Crunch Productions – a subsidiary of Grover Inc.). It work! Den toilet overflow. When grandma find out, she storm into room and we cut to opening creditz wit old-style Batman sound effekts – POW! BAM! – substitooting for grandma’s ass-whooping. Monster tink dis great stuff. Could it be dis movie get even higher rating den Rocketman and bring rath of angry blog reader Das down on Cookie?
Fast-forward. Kidz grown up. One, Kevin, a player with de ladies. De other, Daryl, a nerd. Damon Wayons play him wit all de skill and suttlety of aktor who flunk out of De Jerry Lewis Akademy for Performing Artz.
Daryl invent all sort of useless tings inkluding a green poshun dat make his clothes bulletproof. Monster don’t know how and don’t know why. And neither does writer of movie becuz he not bother to explain.
At dis point, movie turn surprizingly poignant, like dat time Andrew Dice Clay cry on Arsenio. Grandma killed by gangster. On way back from funeral, Daryl save woman from purse snatcher. He catch de bug. No, not taxoplasmosis dat mebbe explain his stoopid behavior (brain damage). Me talking about de “superhero bug”! Daryl sew hisself an outfit, attach some gadjets to his belt, and go off to fight crime!
He try to fight crime and get beat up, but saved by brother Kevin. Den trown in jail for akting crazy. Kevin bring him to visit psykiatrist but doktor tink Kevin de crazy one. Dis scene aktually work well and almost convince monster mebbe dis IS a comedy, but den rest of movie convince me otherwize.
Daryl get big brake when he help deliver baby in elevator. Suddenly, he a real superhero: Blankman! Everybody love him inkluding seksy reporter who Kevin in love wit. She go on date wit him, kiss him, and in movie’s biggest WTF scene, Daryl get his first erektion and dance around like he have poopy cramps. Ah, comedy gold! For some reazon, seksy reporter find dis adorable.
Everyting great for Daryl until mayor taken hostage in bank by gangster (same one who kill Daryl and Kevin’s grandma). Daryl goes into bank to save Mayor but place rigged wit ekspolsives and he have to leave. Bank blow up. Mayor die. For some reazon (aka de plot call for it) police and publik blame Blankman. Daryl decide to hang up his cape and give up on life. What he do? Become hermit? Worse. Kill hisself? Worse even! He get job at McDonaldz!
And tings get even worse for Daryl when fate (and demandz of lame script) intervene. Gangster kidnap reporter! Daryyl have to retire from fast food bizness and join Kevin to save de girl!
Dey save girl wit help of robot dat look like cyborg Cookie Monster. But gangster get away so we can stretch out dis painful movie even longer. Daryl and Kevin show up. Kevin dare bad guyz to shoot him. Dey do. He get shot. Den Daryl say to Kevin: “Forgot to tell you: only my clothez bulletproof.” Hohoho. Is funny because he not shot in face, crap his pantz, and scream like guy who cross Oscar de Grouch dat one time.
Daryl/Blankman use rocket bootz to catch gangster. Gangster arrested. Blankman a celebrity again. Kevin to lesser extent. Daryl worried dat reporter not love him for who he is but really only love Blankman. However, turn out everyting okay becuz he just love stoopid socially awkward guyz like most women monster don’t know. She kiss him and movie end wit extended poopy cramp dance as Daryl get another boner. Sure. Why not?
Verdikt: Rocketman dis aint. Heck, it not even Meteor Man.
Rating: 1 chocolate chippee cookie frontloaded in first five minutes of movie.
Letz refresh our palate wit Fantastic Four. Monster big Jessika Alba fan and really looking forward to…
Wait? What? Dis movie not have Jessica Alba? It earlier verzion? Mebbe still good though…
Nope. Mebbe not.
I didn’t watch the movie, Cookie. Sorry. 🙁 Just had to comment on your use of the term nerd. When I was with the kiddoes in the dentist’s office a little while ago, younger son says that nerd was the good term for someone who likes sci-fi while geek was the neutral term. I asked him what the bad term was, and he said he hadn’t thought of one yet. LOL I think he was responding to the shaking of older son’s head which meant he shouldn’t think of one. 🙂
Have a great night!!!!
I thought the Fantastic Four from the 90’s was never released and the studio burned all but a bootleg in a massive bonfire for the greater good of humanity…
I remember Stan Lee appearing at Chicago Comicon back when the movie was being filmed promising a “serious” treatment… Then reality set in and if I remember right the SFX was never even finished…
Hey, Cookie, I’m living proof that nerds get the girl or the guy in real life. If you’ll be in Vancouver next week, I’ll introduce you to my nerd of 30 years. I believe I mentioned Mr. M after you reviewed SUPERMAN (1980).
Gilder (Mrs. M)
Wow, early post and a review that makes me glad I didn’t waste my time on this one!
Um, where did you find Fantastic Four 1994, Joe? It doesn’t seem to be available anywhere. The trailer looks pretty bad, so even if it was, I probably wouldn’t watch it.
Oh Cookie, you were far kinder in your review of this movie than I felt about it. I feel stupider now, just having watched it.
Observations/Things I Found Annoying:
I’ll start off by saying I HATE movies that portray intelligent people (aka “nerds” or “geeks”, as the supposed psychologist in the movie called him) as either completely maladapted social incompetents or some kind of idiot savant, for the sole purpose of holding them up as an object of derision. Ugh. Is it any wonder that North America is getting stupider and stupider?
Anyway… How could continuous flushing cause a toilet to overflow? It should just not flush properly until the tank fills. Oh, and it starts with implied child abuse. Great.
Why did the robbers in the campaign HQ get all dressed up with masks, etc. only to have the guy with the machine gun come in to kill everyone? I mean, why bother? They’ll all be dead anyway.
Was the funeral scene with Daryl sniveling supposed to be funny or sad? It was sad, I suppose, but not for the reason they meant.
Is this really supposed to be a comedy? Painfully unfunny. Maybe viewing it as some kind of cautionary tale about what not to do in making a movie would make it more palatable. *ponders* I guess not.
Is his robot “J5” supposed to be a reference to Short Circuit’s “Johnny 5”? Heresy.
Daryl’s boner dance (and I’m presuming from his, um, “verbalizations” that it went through to its logical conclusion) was just embarrassing. And she thought that was charming? He’s the most wonderful man she’s ever met? Girl is a freak. Either that, or my lack of feigning auto-orgasmic convulsions is a possible reason for my current single status.
Was the head gangster’s arrival “in satin” supposed to be some kind of send up of over-the-top superhero movie villains? If so, it was so terribly executed that it just came off as stupid.
Blankman’s role at McDonald’s reminded me for some reason of the time I was at a Washington D.C. McDonald’s. While waiting in line, I observed one of the workers spill some ketchup on the counter in the kitchen, wipe it up with the top of a hamburger bun, and then pop the bun back on the burger for a customer. A redneck customer in line saw it and had a very public, very LOUD issue with it. I don’t know which was scarier, the lack of hygeine or the redneck guy’s reaction. My reaction? “I’ll just have a small fries, thanks.”
Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, this movie’s terminal suckage. Did you notice when J5 drilled the holes in the glass to let out the water in the drowning tank, it looked like the guys were peeing? Yeah, a real laugh riot.
I got the feeling as the movie got closer to the end and got more and more ridiculous that they were just making it up as they went along and had run out of ideas. At least, I hope that was it, and it wasn’t actually planned and written like this.
Things I Didn’t Find Annoying:
Midget Man. That could have been a much better movie.
@Sparrow_Hawk; There’s a full “version” of the ’94 Fantastic Four on YouTube. It’s a copy of of some version of the “movie” that got out in the wild. And yes, it was never officially released and was never intended to be.
Eh, I liked him as Handi-Man better. It was a skit they did on In Living Color a few times. Absolutely hilarious. This movie made me sad because I know Damon’s funnier than this movie makes him out to be.
That FF movie up next REALLY scares me! That “Almost” at the end there made me hope it was just a prank trailer and that nobody really sank money into this movie. But alas, it looks like I’m wrong!
-Mike A.
RIP Sanctuary, good fortune to all involved.
So sad about Sanctuary.
@Cookie:
Exactly! Great review Cookie! This was a worst case cross between “Junkyard Wars” and “In Living Color”…
Unfortunately, I saw this years before Cookie had even put this on his list of movie reviews…if he had reviewed it years ago, I could have saved myself ALL the painful memories. Also, I noticed that Sparrow_Hawk has avoided this one as well. Any bets on whether she conveniently avoids “Fantastic 4” too? Sorry Sparrow_Hawk, just noting that you’re not “sharing” the pain with the rest of us. 😉
@Baterista9:
Thanks for the link! I’m adding it to my list of possibilities. I can’t really choose anything until my itinerary is settled…maybe in a week or so.
On your friend with Trimble: it’s possible I’ve met him (I’ve met a number of people from Trimble), especially if he goes to any of the trade conferences such as the Institute of Navigation GNSS Conference. I’ve presented papers at the 2007 and 2009 conferences, so maybe he remembers me.
@Tam Dixon:
Great idea! (the handyman chores) But wouldn’t I be horning in on Ivon and Carl’s territory? Ivon looks fitter and younger than me and I’m not sure I could take him, and I make it a policy never to cross a mad german. 😉
@gforce:
Thanks for the list! Two recommendations for UBC? (second one was from Baterista9) I may have to check it out once my itinerary is settled. By the way, what area of technology are you involved in? If it’s security clearance related, I’ll understand if you don’t respond 😉
I am pretty sure I have enjoyed reading Cookie’s review and all the comments much more than if I would have actually watched the movie. You guys are pretty darn funny. I’m a little surprised since this movie had Damen Wayans in it, that it sucked so bad. He is a funny man – right? Suppose to be anyway. Seems more like some cookie crumbs were in order for this movie’s rating.
Ivon’s son? Jef survived another week on The Batchlorlette. But no way is this guy gonna get the girl in the end.
For the love of God Joe please let cookie review the latest fantastic 4
Thank you! I’d have been mad! I saw 10 (the time) earlier and put on the 10th. Then they changed the time and I still didn’t notice I had the wrong day. Mondays–
@Deni
@Debra: Correction: Saving Hope starts June 7th, not 10th on one calendar. PROBABLY would have seen the arrow I drew on my desk one, but now both are marked.
LOL I liked the original Fantastic Four cartoon, did not see the original movie. Blankman? Sorry I’d have to be stoned or paid.
That’s too bad about the cancellation of Sanctuary. There’s getting to be less and less reason to even watch TV.
@JeffW: I’m just in IT with the federal government. Not interesting at all, trust me. I do work with some great folks though.
I guess I’m not a super fan of all that is super hero. Seeing it once for those done awhile ago is all I can take. Nope…could not bring myself to see that one again. I was truly hoping I filed it far in the deep dark reaches of my memory so as not to have thoughts of it popping up every now and again.
I had successfully kept it there for all this time. Hmmm
Oh, no, not Sanctuary. The concept was so rich for stories. I loved Sanctuary.
——
So you’re saying Blankman was bad? The movie had just the one gag that went well – a grandma beating done comic book style? I was such a Wayans fan when I was twelve.
I was worried I wouldn’t be able to see Blankman as none of my usual sources had even heard of it! Not even The Pirate Bay had it! I was beginning to think that maybe this movie didn’t actually exist and it was all a figment of Cookie Monster’s imagination after one too many “Special” cookies.
Anyway, lo and behold, on Saturday someone uploaded it to The Pirate Bay and over 20 people were downloading it! I find it hard to believe that 20 people were just sitting around one Saturday thinking, “I know! I feel like watching Blankman. I wonder if I can download it?” so I can only attribute it to this blog.
Should I feel guilty about watching a pirated movie? Hell no! Damon Wayans should be paying me to watch that crap!
So, this guy gets pissed off about the amount of crime happening in his neighbourhood and decides to do something about it. Didn’t we see this movie last week?
The star of the movie also wrote and produced it. Are you sure we didn’t see this movie last week?
The funniest thing that happened in this movie was when J5 the robot started falling down the stairs. I actually laughed out loud at that.
Not even my inner 12 year old boy (the one who still likes playing with Lego) laughed at the lame jokes in this movie. The best they elicited were a few groans.
I was surprised by the plot a couple of times, though. First, I was surprised that they killed off the grandmother. That was a piece of brutality that I wasn’t expecting in this sort of film. Secondly, I was firmly of the belief that the mayor was actually in league with the mobster right up until he blew up. And even a little while after that I thought maybe he had just faked his own death for some reason. Anyway, if he had been in cahoots with the mobster then I would have dismissed it as predictable but as he wasn’t I have to say that they missed a good opportunity to have a bit of a twist at the end of the movie. Gee I’m hard to please!
What was the mobster doing at the TV station? He walked into the basement saying, “OK, you tracked me down.” to Jason Alexander in the wheelchair. Ummmmm, Jason tracked him down by sitting around in the office waiting for him to turn up? Huh?
At this stage Blankman had been humiliated and exiled to McDonalds and the cops were about to go on strike so the mobster had nothing to worry about. And then he just happens to go upstairs and overhears Kimberly talking to Blankman saying that she knew who killed his grandmother so the mobster takes her hostage and plans to blow up the whole TV studio? Why did he assume that he was the one who had killed Blankman’s grandmother? Huh? Why not just kill Kimberly there and then since she didn’t have a chance to tell anyone about her suspicions.
As for Kimberly herself . . . First she fancies Kevin but then catches him talking to his groin and decides he’s too weird for her. Then she fancies Blankman and thinks his crippling erections are cute. Huh? And then when she finds out that Blankman is geeky Darryl she still fancies him. HUH? I give this relationship about three days before she runs off with some football jock that she meets in the newsroom.
So, Damon, I do not feel guilty about pirating this movie. I question the sanity of the people who financed this project and morally it wouldn’t be right to reinforce their insane practices by giving them money.
Carob birtday cake? CAROB!? Oh, Cookie, I feel your pain.
@Sparrow_hawk
It’s on Youtube
Thanks, guys! Now I don’t have any excuse and I just have to decide whether I want to waste a couple of hours sitting at my computer watching a really bad superhero movie on YouTube …
Hello Joe!
I like to write an article (for Stargate Fusion, a French site) regarding the conduct for the production of an episode of Stargate. At the shoot more accurately.
If you had a little time to answer me, so that we can rediscover a little about your work.
I would just like you do me a brief summary from the beginning to the end of filming an episode basic (of sg1, sga or sgu, as you want), with anecdotes if you could! 🙂
Thanking you in advance
http://tvline.com/2012/05/21/syfy-sanctuary-cancelled-after-four-seasons/
Syfy hates sci-fi. 🙁