It’s Oscar Night and, as promised, Baron Destructo and Cookie Monster have dropped by with their predictions for some of the major awards…
Cookie Monster: Ohboyohboyohboy. Me love dis time of year. Finally, after months where it off radar and get no attention at all, Hollywood finally put itself in spotlight and hold awards show to honor itself. Hey, if dey not going to do it, who will? De Hollywood foreign press? De people? Come on! Is nice to see dey finally get some recognition for all deir hard work. Is not easy to make people laugh, cry, and cough up twelve bucks for to see Eva Langoria “comedy”. And even if real best picture of last year, Ratatoowee, not in running, Cookie Monster not mind because dis night not about who win or who lose but about spectacle of always too long best director acceptance speech dat nobody care about, embarrassing cuts to celebrities asleep in seats, and how Nicole Kidman red carpet outfit remind everybody of time Bert go through cross-dressing faze.
Baron Destructo: Every year, a special awards ceremony is held to recognize the best and brightest in what is, without a doubt, the greatest industry in existence. I refer, of course, to the Villains of Excellence Galactic Awards for Notable Sinfulness. Yes, this year, the VEGANS will be held at the lovely Shrine Auditorium on Alpha-Twix Sub-Prime where none others than yours truly has been nominated for several awards including Best Earth Villain, Best Use of Time Dilation in a Nefarious Master Plan, Best Codpiece, and the coveted Best Theme Song (Celine will be doing the honors for the Baron‘s memorable “My Heart Will Go On But Yours Won‘t Because I‘m Going to Reach Into Your Chest and Pull it Out While It’s Still Warm and Beating. “). Incidentally, Baron Destructo’s Spork of Doom is in the running for Best Weapon of Mass Destruction, while his dimension-shifting spider monkeys have also been nominated in the category of Best Minions.
MATCH-UP: BEST ACTRESS IN A LEAD ROLE – Cate Blanchett vs. Julie Christie vs. Marion Cotillard vs. Laura Linney vs. Ellen Page.
(Julie Christie favored at 2/1)
Baron Destructo: In a very tough field, the Baron has to give the edge to Julie Christie who delivers a deeply moving performance in her role as a woman suffering from Alzheimer’s and dated Glaxnor the Miscreant for several months in the late 70’s. By the way, did I mention that the Baron is up for a record 8 VEGANS?!
Cookie Monster: Ooooh, so hard to pick. Is an honor just to be nominate and no one a loser tonight because dey all winners! Until someone get Best Actress award and den only one winner and de rest all losers. Cookie Monster like Ellen Page for dis. Not so much for Juno but because she tear it up in Hard Candy and not get award so dis make-up call. First down! And award to Ellen Page!
MATCH-UP: BEST ACTOR IN A LEAD ROLE – George Clooney vs. Daniel-Day Lewis vs. Johnny Depp vs. Tommy Lee Jones vs. Viggo Mortensen.
(Daniel-Day Lewis favored at 3/2)
Cookie Monster: Sure, me find George Clooney dreamy (Easy for monster to get lost in dose eyes.) but he up against shoe-in Daniel-Day Lewis. Not even triple team of Aragorn, Jack Sparrow, and Two-Face able to take him down. Winner: Daniel-Day Lewis!
Baron Destructo: The Baron has always believed that the key to great acting is an ability to thoroughly disassociate oneself from reality so as to wholly immerse oneself in a completely different persona. A great acting school is good, but full blown psychosis is even better. Which is why many of the world’s greatest actors make for spectacular super villains, and vice-versa. Remember the Soul Emancipator’s masterful turn opposite Scarlett Johansson in 2002’s steamy remake of Tennessee Williams’ Cat on a Hot Tin Roof? Or David Niven’s telepathic gorilla take-over of the then Federation of Rhodesia. Seriously. Did you simply assume that it was mere coincidence that Pauly Shore has yet to mount any serious threat to humankind (And, no, Bio-Dome doesn’t count)? Anyways, where was I? Oh, yes, best actor: Daniel-Day Lewis.
MATCH-UP: BEST DIRECTOR – Paul Thomas Anderson vs. Joel and Ethan Coen vs. Tony Gilroy vs. Jason Reitman vs. Julian Schnabel
(The Coen brothers favored at 2/1)
Baron Destructo: The Baron should also mention that he will be a special guest presenter at this year’s VEGANS, conferring the Phineas T. Armageddon Lifetime Achievement Award to my good friend and colleague Professor Alvarez Diablo for his unwavering commitment to intergalactic mayhem and contributions to shaping the future villains of tomorrow. What? Get on with it? How dare you! You shall all taste Baron Destructo’s wrath – which I tend to dole out in bite-sized homemade tarts that have been described as bitter-sweet and just a little spicy thanks to the addition of cinnamon and chili (my grandmother’s recipe). Best Director: For the ¾ of a movie I did enjoy, the Coen Brothers.
Cookie Monster: When me go to see There Will Be Blood, Cookie Monster totally lose self in movie. Could be because of great script. Could be because of great performances. Could be because me get up to go pee and take wrong turn because so dark in theather and instead of find lobby step out through emergency exit and into alley where guy who look like extra from Michael Jackson Beat It video steal Cookie Monster’s shoes and lucky Rolex. Or could be because of great directing. Me tink all of the above. But mostly de directing. And theater with exit sign dat not clearly marked. Winner – Paul Thomas Anderson.
MATCH-UP: BEST PICTURE – Atonement vs. There Will Be Blood vs. Juno vs. No Country for Old Men vs. Michael Clayton
(Atonement favored at 2/1)
Cookie Monster: Cookie Monster pick for best picture of last year be funny Crockett and Tubbs caricature sidewalk artist draw of me and Grover during last trip to Myrtle Beach. For best movie, me pick Dere Will Be Blood.
Baron Destructo: No Country for Old Men and There Will Be Blood struck the Baron as incomplete movies – expertly set-up and followed through up until their ultimately unsatisfying denouements. They reminded me of a certain someone’s failed plot to turn the Earth’s ozone layer into phosphorus jello. Cough. Cough. Commodore Chaos. Cough. Cough. Juno was sweet but, in the end, more after-school special than serious best picture contendor. As for Michael Clayton – while Baron Destructo salutes stories honoring perseverance in the face of adversity, he finds it difficult to muster much enthusiasm for a movie chronicling the professional career of a wide receiver for the NFL’s Tampa Bay Buccaneers. And so, by process of elimination, the Baron awards the Best Picture Oscar to Atonement.
Well, there you have it. Let’s see how they do. Hopefully better than their football picks.
Tomorrow, discussion begins on Neil Gaiman’s Smoke and Mirrors. And, time permitting, I’ll be getting around to that mailbag.