Love is in the air! My BaronDestructo account received an email from a Princess Rose (no kidding) promising me romance, devotion, and, oh yeah, 5 million dollars if I could help facilitate a little transaction. “I LIKE ANY PERSON WHO CAN BE CARING, LOVING AND HOME ORIENTED,”writes Princess Rose in all capitals to no doubt emphasize her earnestness. “I WILL LOVE TO HAVE A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU AND TO KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU. I WOULD LIKE TO BUILD UP A SOLID FOUNDATION WITH YOU IN TIME.” She goes on to explain that her father was “A KING, WHICH OUR TOWN CITIZENS TITLED HIM OVER SIXTEEN YEARS BEFORE HIS DEATH” and that she “WAS A PRINCESS TO HIM”. Furthermore, there is $25.5 million sitting in an Ougadougan bank account gathering dust and could I help her free up the funds in exchange for a cool 5 mill?
Baron Destructo wrote back:
“Dearest Princess Rose,
Your letter could not have found me at a better time as I am presently in the process of seeking out my soul mate, someone with whom I can share life’s high, its lows, and its inevitable little curveballs (like that time INTERPOL raided our offices in Amsterdam and we were forced to trigger the charges that collapsed the building and incinerated the records pertaining to Operation Santa Claws of Death). Could you be this person? The one who completes me? She who shares my love of world conquest, power unbridled, and Peanuts Holidays Specials? Before you answer “yes” there are some things I must know about you – and that you must know about me.
You write that your father was a King “which our town citizen titled him over sixteen years before his death”. All well and good but was he considered official nobility? Was his title registered with World Blue Bloods Inc.? The simple fact that the town’s citizens gave him the title does not necessarily make him so. While receiving my education in villainy alongside my fellow scoundrels, evil-doers, and miscreant mutants at the London School of Economics, I remember one chap the class would refer to as Duke Doofus. And yet even though we referred to him as such, he was not, in fact, a Duke (he was actually an Earl, and not a particularly notable one at that, but that is neither here nor there). Furthermore, you go on to write that you were “a princess to him”. But being a princess to your father does not necessarily make you one. I possess two hellhounds – one named Eviscerator who, yes, admittedly, is quite literally an eviscerator, but also one named Mooglypants who, it may surprise you to know, has never worn a pair of pants in his life. Do you see my point? While I applaud your efforts to strike out in a colorful vein, I must object to your unearned use of the title. That said, with $25.5 million in the bank, I’m sure you could find your way to purchasing a title. Perhaps a nice Countess or Viscountess or, if you feel like splurging, a Marchioness?
You also write that you “like any person who can be caring, loving and home oriented” which, quite frankly, makes you sound not all that choosy. If that’s all it takes to win your heart, then might I suggest you get a pet rabbit instead? If, on the other hand, you are seeking someone highly ambitious who refuses to be dissuaded by negativity, delays, or nuclear-tipped warheads, then I am your man. And you can be my (figurative) princess and share in what I have to offer: my robot chimp army, my satellite death ray, and my timeshare in Hawaii. Think of it, my dear. Just me, you, and your father’s $25.5 million dollars. And Eviscerator and Mooglypants. And the rest of the League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil who are like my extended family. And, oh yes, my extended family.
If this is something you’d like to pursue, let’s arrange a meeting. Perhaps a romantic dinner for two? Is this Friday night good for you? Since I’ll be away on intergalactic business, would it be possible to meet somewhere in between your place and my location? Say, Saturn? Let me know.
Diabolically yours,
Baron Destructo
Cc: Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.”
Today’s mailbag –
Quantaqua writes: “Have you ever eaten a “stroopwafel”?”
Answer: Not intentionally.
Cathie writes: “Do you see yourself writing for atlantis for another 5 years?”
Answer: I try to take things one year at a time.
ActingChick writes: “Can you recommend some good books. Anything with a tough, sexy female protagonist?”
Answer: Check out Nancy Traviss’ City of Pearl. Also Octavia E. Butler’s Parable of the Talents and Parable of the Sower for a protagonist who, while not exactly sexy, is tough as hell.
Sherwood Forest Maiden writes: “Do you know if Jason and Joe’s homes are in any danger of the latest Malibu fires??”
Answer: I don’t, but I spoke to Joe a couple of days ago and he didn’t mention it.
Anonymous #1 writes: “When you wrote the very touching, almost lover-like goodbye scene between Sam and Teal’c in Reunion did you take into account Sam and Teal’c intimate relationship from Unending which BTW Teal’c remembers?”
Answer: What intimate relationship?
Dovil writes: “ I never knew whether Wraith were meant to be stuck on an all human diet or whether they were capable of snacking on the entire animal kingdom menu.”
Answer: Even though they can feel on animals, they don’t provide the, uh, full nutritional value of a human being.
Erin Anderson writes: “ That being said, have you ever read Conquistador by SM Stirling?”
Answer: Haven’t read any Stirling but the covers of his books always catch my eye when I’m browsing at Chapters. Some day, I no doubt will check him out. Is Conquistador the book you recommend?
Annie writes: “Have you been game enough to try birdspittle soup?”
Answer: A.K.A. Bird’s Nest Soup? I have not.
Jenny Robin writes: “ Memphis Barbecue Review!”
Answer: No vanilla ice cream with your pe-CONN pie?
Anonymous #2 writes: “Ben Browder mentioned that he’d be going up to Vancouver in December for the premiere of Ark of Truth.”
Answer: It’s not a “premiere” but more an “advanced screening”. Yep, I’ll be going.
WingedPegasus writes: “What’s the little button thingy in the middle of the DHD called?”
Answer: The quiblax.
Charles Schneider writes: “Does Carl have any stories from the front lines so far?”
Answer: I’m not sure, but I believe he was almost run over by Calista Flockhart. The lucky bastard.
Joshua Meyers writes: “Has it been considered to take Rachel out, similarly to what happened to Michael Shanks, in season 6-?”
Answer: Why would we want to do that?
Ben writes: “Are there any writers on staff who are really into video games?”
Answer: One Martin Q. Gero.
Anonymous #3 writes: “ Please don’t let this be true after how poorly written the character was by Paul Mullie in Travelers.”
Answer: There’s a big difference between “poorly written” and “not how I would have written it”. In the case of Travelers, you’re saying the former but you actually mean the latter.
Philly writes: “Anywho, it occurred to me during my latest carbfest to ask where you stand on Indian food?”
Answer: I’m for it. Vij’s is one of my top five favorite restaurants in Vancouver.